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Which Muppet Baby Are You, Under Penalty Of Perjury?

Illustration by Lauren Attinello

As long as you tell the truth, you have nothing to worry about.

  1. 1. Do you swear that the evidence that you are about to give shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
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    Please proceed.

  2. 2. State your favorite color.
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    Thank you for being so forthcoming.

  3. 3. And, for the record, which of the following are you most passionate about?
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    I see...

  4. 4. Are you sure about that?
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    Please keep in mind that even if you’re not actively obscuring the truth, providing a partial or inconsistent statement could result in your being charged with one felony count of perjury, punishable in this state by no less than one year in prison.

  5. 5. Do you solemnly affirm that, while engaged in playtime, you most commonly imagine yourself to be one of the following?
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    Indeed.

  6. 6. Are you sure there’s nothing you’d like to add to that statement?
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    Thank you.

  7. 7. What is your least attractive quality—and may I remind you that you are under oath?
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    No further questions.

  • Results for Which Muppet Baby Are You, Under Penalty Of Perjury?

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    The State Finds That You Are Kermit

    De facto leader of the gang, you try to keep a cool head, but it can be tough when you’re at the center of so much chaos. When it’s time to use your imagination, you see yourself as a movie-style hero, swinging in to save the day. If any part of your testimony is found to be inaccurate, and there is materiality to that claim, you may be charged and sentenced to one to five years in prison, plus fines and probation.
  • Results for Which Muppet Baby Are You, Under Penalty Of Perjury?

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    The State Finds That You Are Miss Piggy

    You’re the biggest personality in your group, but who can blame you for being fabulous? You’re a person ruled by your passions, whether that means showering your sweetheart with public displays of affection or unleashing your famously short temper. If the testimony given here today in any way impedes the pursuit of the truth, you may be found to be an accessory to any crime your testimony may have been intended to assist or conceal.
  • Results for Which Muppet Baby Are You, Under Penalty Of Perjury?

    Via Jim Henson Company

    The State Finds That You Are Fozzie

    The heart of your group, and a bit of a scaredy-cat, there’s nothing you love more than trying to make your friends laugh. Sure, you’re a little naive, and most of your jokes are groaners, but your friends love you for you—and isn’t that what matters? Even in instances where the witness has secured immunity from prosecution, any false testimony given after the granting of immunity may still be prosecuted as perjury.
  • Results for Which Muppet Baby Are You, Under Penalty Of Perjury?

    Via Jim Henson Company

    The State Finds That You Are Gonzo

    The wild card of the gang, you march to the beat of your own drum, whether that means becoming obsessed with chickens, or just being a general, unpredictable weirdo. You can be a little overbearing sometimes, but your heart is in the right place—and someday you’ll find yours. Bear in mind that false statements stemming from confusion, memory lapse, or genuine mistake, will not necessarily be seen as perjury, but could nonetheless place you under suspicion if justice is obstructed.
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