The Time Has Come. Do You Have What It Takes To Help The Swedish Chef Successfully Lose His Virginity?

The Swedish Chef is a strong, illiterate dipshit who only got to be on ‘The Muppet Show’ because Jim Henson is his dad. He just achieved sexual maturity last week, and now he is urgently in need of release. Do you have what it takes to help him lose his virginity?

  1. 1. Before we get started, let’s make something clear: If and when the Swedish Chef loses his virginity, it will be a total disaster. He will be yelling and crying and flapping his hands around in a profoundly unsexy manner, and it will take radical compassion on behalf of his partner to not immediately bail on him. So don’t delude yourself into thinking you can turn him into some kind of suave sex machine. Absolute best-case scenario is 10-20 seconds of injury-free utilitarian intercourse in which neither party suffers any emotional or physical trauma, but even that would be a small miracle. Got it?
  2. 2. Seriously, it’s going to take a very skilled and patient person to pull this off. As of now, the Swedish Chef has virtually zero knowledge of sex, he’s incredibly frightened by physical touch, and he struggles to follow even the most basic instructions. All he knows is that something very distressing is happening down near his groin and he desperately needs to do something about it. This won’t be easy.
  3. 3. Two sociopaths named Statler and Waldorf told the Swedish Chef that sex is when you go up to a mother pushing a stroller, lift the stroller up over your head, and run away with it into the woods, and the Swedish Chef readily believed them. He obviously needs a bit of reeducation, so how would you go about teaching him what sex actually is, keeping in mind that he is staggeringly dumb and can only follow very simple lines of thought?
  4. 4. One of the main impediments to the Swedish Chef losing his virginity is the fact that he does not have a penis, or at least not in the traditional sense—his is more of a vestigial slit. In order to achieve sexual release, he’ll need his partner to focus on stimulating his maraca-size prostate, which dangles tail-like from his lower back and is incredibly sensitive to touch. However, the Swedish Chef has historically been fiercely protective of his prostate, as he believes it is the hive where his dead mother’s soul lives. He’s maimed several Muppets who have tried to lay hands on it in the past, and there’s no question he would react similarly should his sexual partner try to get near it. Considering its crucial role in facilitating sexual release, how would you make the Swedish Chef comfortable with the idea of people touching his prostate?
  5. 5. It is not clear what, if any, preferences the Swedish Chef might have in terms of a sexual partner. Once, when previously asked about who he was attracted to, he held up a Jason Mraz CD and excitedly pointed at the cover, shouting, “Bork! Bork! Bork! Bork!” but then he smashed the CD with a meat tenderizer and started pointing and shouting at a microwave instead. He also has a habit of picking up dead birds he finds on the sidewalk and kissing them in a seemingly romantic fashion, but after kissing them he typically then eats the birds in a great rage. So while you may be able to make a case that he’s attracted to either Jason Mraz, microwaves, or dead birds, his sexual preferences are ultimately still a toss-up, and you’ll need to figure them out if you want to find a partner with whom he’ll feel comfortable losing his virginity. That said, how would you go about discovering the Swedish Chef’s sexual preferences?
  6. 6. The Swedish Chef is not by any metrics what you would call “sexually attractive.” His face basically just looks like a rotting cantaloupe with hair exploding out of it, there’s a basketball-size nest of untrimmed toenails consuming him below the knees, and perhaps most unsettlingly, it does not appear as if he has eyes. If you want any hope of finding him a sexual partner, you’ll need to give him a head-to-toe makeover to help smooth over some of his more physically repulsive traits. However, getting him to sit still for a full-body makeover will be a truly formidable task, as he is constantly flopping and flailing about like a toddler filled with demons, indiscriminately grabbing at any objects within reach and spiking them recklessly into his stock pot of boiling water. Worse, venture too close to him and he will gleefully spray you with his piss. Seeing that there are no salons that would tolerate these kinds of behaviors, how would you go about getting him to sit still and behave for a makeover?
  7. 7. Even though the Swedish Chef is a colossal moron who knows virtually nothing about how to have sex, he is surprisingly well-informed about consent. This is because he has taken the ABC new-employee sexual harassment seminar more than 800 times. During filming of The Muppet Show, the sociopaths Waldorf and Statler told him he was required to take it every single day in order to be allowed to drink from the studio water fountain, and since he didn’t have running water at his home due to a different Waldorf and Statler prank, he depended on the water fountain for survival. So if you were wondering whether he is capable of signaling consent, the answer is yes.
  8. 8. Oh, and another thing: The Swedish Chef ripped his tongue off in 1992 after sticking it in the dollar slot of a vending machine and panicking. As a result, he speaks in an alarmingly loud and incomprehensible manner that would likely be extremely off-putting in a romantic setting. You’d probably want to bring some earplugs or something to give to his partner if you don’t want them to freak out.
  9. 9. Last thing—and this one’s admittedly a big ask. If by some chance you are unable to find a partner for the Swedish Chef to lose his virginity to, would you theoretically be open to being the one who has sex with him? Hopefully it wouldn’t come to that, but, in a last-ditch, 11th-hour type of situation, would you be willing to take one for the team?
  • Results for The Time Has Come. Do You Have What It Takes To Help The Swedish Chef Successfully Lose His Virginity?

    The Swedish Chef Would Likely Die If You Tried To Help Him Lose His Virginity.

    You are a reckless and insensitive human being, and the Swedish Chef would be gravely endangered if left in your hands. You would stress him out so hard that he would likely rip off his own head or maim his sexual partner. It is very clear that you do not have what it takes to help him lose his virginity.
  • Results for The Time Has Come. Do You Have What It Takes To Help The Swedish Chef Successfully Lose His Virginity?

    You Probably Wouldn’t Be The Right Person To Help The Swedish Chef Lose His Virginity.

    Don’t take it personally. The Swedish Chef is a walking fiasco, and there are probably only two or three people on the planet with less sex appeal than he has. It would take nothing short of superhuman patience and skill to get the poor guy laid, and you shouldn’t knock yourself for falling short. Not many people are cut out for a job like this.
  • Results for The Time Has Come. Do You Have What It Takes To Help The Swedish Chef Successfully Lose His Virginity?

    Wow! You Have What It Takes To Help The Swedish Chef Lose His Virginity!

    You are a responsible and compassionate individual, and it’s hard to imagine a better candidate for helping the Swedish Chef lose his V card. With you there to help him navigate his sexuality and become comfortable with the idea of physical intimacy, chances are his first sexual experience would be a very positive and pleasurable experience. Way to go!

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