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Have You Tried The New Way Of Fucking?

There’s a new way of fucking in town, and it’s got everyone talking! Are you ready to unbuckle that belt and give it a shot?

  1. 1. Now, that old way to fuck, with all the gunk, flapping, and sprays—it’s really lost its zip, hasn’t it?
  2. 2. You’ve probably heard plenty of rumors about the new way of fucking, because everyone’s talking about it. So, what’s your impression of that all-new, all-American way to fuck?
  3. 3. Here’s a bit of history you may not know: The new way of fucking was developed by David, Genna, and Isaiah Crowder-Derby-Penk, a Vermont throuple with a dream: to find a frictionless, odorless, fully mobile form of fucking loud enough to knock a crane stone-dead out of the sky but gentle enough to fuck out some basic origami on the way. After a decade of trial and error, they found it by chance as their RV rolled down a sunlit Vermont hillside, throwing their bodies and bits together into configurations undreamed of. Are you ready to carry on their legacy with your crotch?
  4. 4. The new way of fucking has something for everyone, and we can prove it. What qualities do you most look for in a fuck method?

    Yup, it’s got that covered!

  5. 5. Of course, not just anyone’s going to be able to dive right into the new way of fucking. You and your partner will need a strong bond of trust, elbows that bend backward, and those plastic holes they drill into the sides of cows to research their stomachs. Think you can handle it?
  6. 6. One last thing you should know about the new way of fucking: In a few isolated cases, the new way of fucking has pushed the blood of everyone involved into one partner’s body, turning them into a sort of blood-bloated Kool-Aid Man and leaving everyone else dry and brittle like old wicker. In such instances, the swollen partner has totally lost their cool, sprinted out into the street, and been gunned down by the police and concerned neighbors in a postcoital geyser of stolen blood. It’s a bit of a PR issue, so we’ve got to ask, How do you think you’d handle that situation?
  • Results for Have You Tried The New Way Of Fucking?

    You’re Too Bitter About The Past To Try The New Way Of Fucking!

    Jesus Christ, give it up already! Your seething hatred for the old way of fucking blinds you, chokes you, drags you down into the mire of the past to see the incredible groin-dissolving possibilities right in front of you! The new way of fucking demands an open heart, an untroubled mind, and a neck that can withstand an elbow drop, and while you may have that last one, you definitely don’t have the first two. Come back when you’ve made peace with the past and are ready to open your holes to the future.
  • Results for Have You Tried The New Way Of Fucking?

    You’ve Already Tried The New Way Of Fucking!

    Well fiedel-dee-dee! Not only were you ready to try the new way of fucking, you plunged literally headfirst into it, and it sounds like you really took to it! You’re probably bothering your friends and neighbors by constantly radiating that sickly green post-new-way-of-fucking glow, or else talking their ears off about all the holes your shoulder’s been inside. Just as Christ declared Peter the rock on which he’d build his church, your jiggling flesh will form the foundation of a vast new kingdom of fucking, the likes of which this world has never seen! Thank you for helping to usher in Fucking Year Zero!
  • Results for Have You Tried The New Way Of Fucking?

    You’re Too Busy Getting Run Over By A Parade Float To Try The New Way Of Fucking!

    Credit where it’s due: You know what you like, and you’re willing to go after it. Unfortunately, with your spine all mangled under the tire of a Wells Fargo Salute To Queer Culture pride parade float, you’re just not the ideal candidate to try the new way of fucking. Maybe when your splintered bones heal and your sexual horizons expand beyond the narrowest possible criteria, you’ll be ready to give the new way of fucking a try. For now, though, you go ahead and ruin that second line parade with your wriggling body.
  • Results for Have You Tried The New Way Of Fucking?

    You’d Probably Kill Yourself If You Tried The New Way Of Fucking!

    Boy, you really just don’t know how to fuck at all, do you? It sounds like if you tried the new way of fucking, you’d end up tearing yourself apart and flinging your chunks across the room. For you, fucking might as well be trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube in a garbage disposal: a filthy, humiliating, and meaningless exercise that will mess your fingers up real bad. Maybe fucking in general is just not for you, and your time would be better spent lying motionless under your mattress. Try it!

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