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Do You Have What It Takes To Train Freddy Krueger To Be A Barista?

Freddy Krueger has never held down a real job before, but now he’d like to become a barista. Do you have what it takes to train him? Take this quiz to find out!

  1. 1. Before we get too deep into things, you should know that this won’t be an easy task. Freddy Krueger is a notoriously hot-headed serial killer whose insane lust for vengeance is the guiding light of his life, which means he’s not super open to learning anything that doesn’t help him murder more children in their dreams. You sure you’re up for this?
  2. 2. When Freddy meets new people, his first impulse is typically to invade their minds and murder them. Now, it’s already been made very clear to Freddy that he’s not allowed to murder any customers, but there’s still a good chance he might try to invade customers’ minds to figure out their drink orders. How would you make sure that Freddy doesn’t invade any customers’ minds to figure out their drink orders?
  3. 3. Baristas have to work long hours, and honestly, that will be tough for Freddy. While he’ll tell you that murdering kids is hard work, the reality is that it doesn’t really take that much time, effort, or discipline, and as a result, Freddy has never developed a strong work ethic. How would you keep Freddy focused and motivated over long shifts?
  4. 4. Between Freddy’s insane snarl, his grotesque facial scarring, and his weaponized hands, it’s inevitable that he’ll attract some stares. How would you make sure Freddy doesn’t feel self-conscious or embarrassed when customers stare at him?
  5. 5. Just so you know, Freddy is able to transform into different objects in dreams, and he’s been practicing morphing into a refrigerator a lot lately. So if you see him just standing there silently staring at the refrigerator for long stretches of time, he’s probably just studying up.
  6. 6. One thing that’s definitely gonna be an issue is Freddy’s claws. They’re very sharp, and chances are they will puncture customers’ drinks, damage store equipment, and harm his fellow employees. How would you deal with Freddy’s claws?
  7. 7. Freddy’s only friend in the world is the giant mute psychopath Jason Voorhees, who is constantly trying to murder him over an age-old dispute that neither of them remember the specifics of. During Freddy’s shifts, you can expect Jason to come crashing into the coffee shop at least once or twice in hopes of killing Freddy with a machete, which obviously would be bad for business. How would you keep Jason away from the coffee shop?
  8. 8. Just a heads-up, Freddy just found out about sex from Jason a few weeks ago and is pretty shook up about it. He’s been constantly muttering about needing to “get sex over with already,” which makes it seem like maybe Jason didn’t explain the facts correctly. It’s really been eating up a lot of Freddy’s attention, though, so how would you keep his mind off sex while he’s on the clock?
  9. 9. One last thing: Freddy hasn’t spent very much time around people in recent decades, and as a result, he’s really let his personal hygiene go to shit. Like, the guy straight-up smells like piss, and he will just clip his fingernails wherever the hell he wants, without bothering to clean up the nail trimmings. He coughs all the goddamn time and never covers his mouth, and there’s a skin tag the size of a Chapstick tube just dangling off his neck. He’s a gross guy. So if you could fix that, that’d be huge.
  • Results for Do You Have What It Takes To Train Freddy Krueger To Be A Barista?

    You Would Do A Great Job Training Freddy Krueger To Be A Barista!

    Your patience, compassion, and non-judgmental attitude make you uniquely qualified to explain the ins and outs of the coffee-making business, all while making sure that the coffee shop suffers as few casualties as humanly possible. You’re the perfect person for the job. Congratulations!
  • Results for Do You Have What It Takes To Train Freddy Krueger To Be A Barista?

    You Wouldn’t Do So Hot Training Freddy Krueger To Be A Barista

    Don’t be too hard on yourself. Freddy Krueger is a murderous, unstable monster who has never once demonstrated the capacity for civilized behavior. It’s honestly incredible that he can even figure out how to dress himself in the morning—all the guy seems to care about is murder. So don’t sweat it. Not many people are cut out for this gig.
  • Results for Do You Have What It Takes To Train Freddy Krueger To Be A Barista?

    Freddy Would Go On The Killing Spree Of His Lifetime If You Trained Him To Be A Barista

    There’s no easy way to put this, but under your irresponsible supervision, Freddy would be emboldened to murder more people than ever before. Your lack of sensitivity and compassion toward his fragile state of mind would only agitate him further and lead him to commit more violence. You’re a disgrace, and this is definitely not the job for you.

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