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Do You Have What It Takes To Teach Santa To Socialize With Other Adults?

For all the wonderful things that Santa has done in this world, he’s never learned how to interact socially with adults. If you had the chance to take him to a dinner party with other grown-ups, do you think you’d be able to teach him how it’s done?

  1. 1. Before we get started, you need to realize that movie and TV depictions of Santa really smooth out a lot of his rough edges. We’re dealing with a guy with a toddler-like level of social and emotional intelligence who lives in Arctic isolation with deer and a warehouse full of elf laborers. The only other adult he’s ever spent time around is his wife, who is basically a female version of himself. This dinner party will be an awkward, difficult, and perhaps even traumatizing experience for all involved.
  2. 2. Santa doesn’t know why he delivers presents to homes on Christmas; instead, like birds migrating for the winter, it’s more of an innate survival instinct that he unconsciously submits to once a year. He’s hardwired at a primal level to enter homes and then escape them immediately, and when you bring him into the house for the dinner party, every last cell in his body will be screaming at him to scramble toward the chimney. If you don’t let him flee, stress hormones will flood his brain and drive him to a state of unbearable agony and panic. What will you do to preempt this reaction and ensure that he doesn’t try to escape the house?
  3. 3. When you introduce Santa to people, he will almost certainly yell “Ho, ho, ho!” at them and force them to sit on his lap. What will you do to facilitate more civil first impressions?
  4. 4. Santa’s only real connection to the human world is a tattered issue of Time magazine from 1957 that he accidentally brought back to the North Pole on his sled nearly 60 Christmases ago. He has memorized every single word of it, and if people at the dinner party try to make conversation with him, he’ll likely want to talk about topics covered in the magazine, such as the “scholarly 28-year-old Negro Baptist minister” Martin Luther King Jr., the incendiary threats of East Germany Communist boss Walter Ulbricht, Marlon Brando’s performance in The Teahouse Of The August Moon, and the question of whether parents should spare the rod. His favorite quote from the magazine, which he doesn’t understand yet recites incessantly, is, “Prosperity, the Washington experts were finding out last week, is something like a wife. If you tell her she is beautiful, she glows. But if you tell her that she should pat here and retract there to keep her beauty enduring, she breaks into tears, convinced that she is sagging all over.” How will you make sure that Santa doesn’t talk about these things?
  5. 5. Just a heads-up: No one has ever explained the concept of death to Santa. Unless you really want to upset him, it’s probably best you do everything you can to keep him in the dark on this one.
  6. 6. Santa knows that he’s allowed to look at himself naked and knows that he’s allowed to look at Mrs. Claus naked, which means that he’s never met an adult that he wasn’t allowed to see naked. With zero knowledge of social norms, he very well may assume that he’s allowed to look at the other dinner guests naked and try to take their clothes off. What preventative measures will you put in place to safeguard against Santa taking strangers’ clothes off?
  7. 7. From centuries of eating cookies that children leave out for him, Santa assumes that any plate of food is his food. If his muscle memory kicks in at the dinner party, he will probably try to devour everybody else’s food and then beeline for the chimney. What is your plan for making sure that Santa doesn’t eat everybody else’s food?
  8. 8. At the North Pole, Santa urinates wherever he wants. He will sometimes even urinate on his elves to remind them who’s boss. How will you see to it that Santa doesn’t urinate on or near any of the other adults at the dinner party?
  9. 9. Santa considers naughty children his greatest enemies, and should he discover that any of the adults at the party are parents who are responsible for raising a child on the Naughty List, he might lose his temper and try to kill them. How will you make sure that Santa doesn’t kill anyone?
  10. 10. One last thing to be aware of: Santa has a pretty bad stutter. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it can be a bit distracting. So, you know, try to be sensitive to that.
  • Results for Do You Have What It Takes To Teach Santa To Socialize With Other Adults?

    You Have What It Takes To Teach Santa To Socialize With Other Adults.

    Wow, impressive. Seems like you’ve got what it takes to show Santa the ropes of adult social interaction. It didn’t seem possible, but with your patience and guidance, he might honestly be able to break from his centuries of hermetic living in the Arctic to ingratiate himself in the real world. And that’s the one gift Santa would never be able to give himself. So, bravo, and may all your Christmas wishes come true!
  • Results for Do You Have What It Takes To Teach Santa To Socialize With Other Adults?

    You Probably Wouldn’t Be Able To Teach Santa To Socialize With Other Adults.

    Don’t take it personally. Centuries of Arctic isolation have conditioned Santa into a very rigid and stunted lifestyle, and it would take nothing short of a Christmas miracle for him to adapt to modern society. Frankly, he’s beyond hope. Funny how someone who leads such a sad existence can bring so much joy to the world.
  • Results for Do You Have What It Takes To Teach Santa To Socialize With Other Adults?

    Santa Would Get Arrested Or Gravely Injured If Left In Your Care.

    Sorry, but you just don’t have what it takes to teach Santa to socialize with adults. And to be fully honest, you seem like an all-around terrible person. Why would you treat Santa so cruelly? He’s like a giant toddler. He needs lots of help. But definitely not from a sadistic creep like you. You deserve way worse than coal in your stocking. Monster.
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