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Can You Match The Shakespeare Quote With The English Teacher Who Insists On Explaining Why It’s Sexual?

Everyone agrees that Shakespeare was a master wordsmith, but some people really seem to want to go further than that. Can you match the immortal words of The Bard with the English teacher who insists on detailing how it’s sexual?

  1. 1. “Screw your courage to the sticking place, and we’ll not fail.”

    Nope! When this vaguely phallic line rolls around, Mr. Bradford is the one who really hams it up by asking incredulously if Lady Macbeth could really be talking about what he thinks she’s talking about, clearly under the impression that finding out that Shakespeare was aware of sex is the key to getting high schoolers interested in the material.

    Correct! When this vaguely phallic line rolls around, Mr. Bradford really hams it up by asking incredulously if Lady Macbeth could really be talking about what he thinks she’s talking about, clearly under the impression that finding out that Shakespeare was aware of sex is the key to getting high schoolers interested in the material.

    Sorry! That’s Mr. Ciotta, who’s almost definitely sleeping with Ms. Givens, the guidance counselor, but keeps things pretty dry and boring in class.

    Nope! When this vaguely phallic line rolls around, Mr. Bradford is the one who really hams it up by asking incredulously if Lady Macbeth could really be talking about what he thinks she’s talking about, clearly under the impression that finding out that Shakespeare was aware of sex is the key to getting high schoolers interested in the material.

  2. 2. “The ample proposition that hope makes
    In all designs begun on earth below
    Fails in the promis’d largeness: checks and disasters
    Grow in the veins of actions highest rear’d.”

    Nope! That’s Mr. Gelson, who refuses to acknowledge sex at all and goes out of his way to speed past passages that even vaguely reference it, only ever referring to it as “the act” and only when cornered.

    Sorry! Mr. Reid is the one who spent, like, 10 minutes sitting on Robin Li’s desk making the class guess what’s an “ample proposition” and has “veins” and “promis’d largeness,” taking his wedding ring on and off the whole time. He’s really fixated on all the sex parts since his wife had the baby, and this was no exception!

    Correct! Mr. Reid spent, like, 10 minutes sitting on Robin Li’s desk making the class guess what’s an “ample proposition” and has “veins” and “promis’d largeness,” taking his wedding ring on and off the whole time. He’s really fixated on all the sex parts since his wife had the baby, and this was no exception!

    Sorry! Mr. Reid is the one who spent, like, 10 minutes sitting on Robin Li’s desk making the class guess what’s an “ample proposition” and has “veins” and “promis’d largeness,” taking his wedding ring on and off the whole time. He’s really fixated on all the sex parts since his wife had the baby, and this was no exception!

  3. 3. “Come, thick night,
    And pall thee in the dunnest smoke of Hell,
    That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
    Nor Heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
    To cry ‘Hold, hold!’”

    Correct! Ms. Alexey’s big into having students act out the Shakespeare she teaches, and she always directs whoever’s playing Macbeth to really FEEL the raw, masculine sexuality of these lines while sweeping her arms around, making all the metal bits on her shawls clink together. There’s a rumor she used to sleep with Sting, and based on her whole vibe, there’s really no reason not to believe it.

    Sorry! Ms. Alexey’s the one who’s big into having students act out the Shakespeare she teaches, and she always directs whoever’s playing Macbeth to really FEEL the raw, masculine sexuality of these lines while sweeping her arms around, making all the metal bits on her shawls clink together. There’s a rumor she used to sleep with Sting, and based on her whole vibe, there’s really no reason not to believe it.

    Nope! That’s Mr. Scavone, who just takes any opportunity to play the class a Tool song that has even a passing relationship to the material he’s teaching, which gets him a little cult following of boys who bring lighters to school.

    Sorry! Ms. Alexey’s the one who’s big into having students act out the Shakespeare she teaches, and she always directs whoever’s playing Macbeth to really FEEL the raw, masculine sexuality of these lines while sweeping her arms around, making all the metal bits on her shawls clink together. There’s a rumor she used to sleep with Sting, and based on her whole vibe, there’s really no reason not to believe it.

  4. 4. “I will live in thy heart, die in thy lap, and be buried in thy eyes.”

    Nope! That’s Mrs. Pedrosa, who started Election over from the blow-job scene at the beginning of class on Friday even though the class watched, like, 10 minutes past it on Thursday because she believes even unhealthy depictions of sexuality expand young minds to their bodies’ possibilities.

    Sorry! When he’s not leaving his motorcycle helmet out on his desk conspicuously, Mr. Ivers is the one who takes the whole “young teacher” thing way too far by acting like it’s some big secret they don’t want you to know that Shakespeare made sex puns, and only he’s badass enough to let the class in on it. It’s truly gross how many kids have crushes on him, since he practically sweats Drakkar Noir.

    Sorry! When he’s not leaving his motorcycle helmet out on his desk conspicuously, Mr. Ivers is the one who takes the whole “young teacher” thing way too far by acting like it’s some big secret they don’t want you to know that Shakespeare made sex puns, and only he’s badass enough to let the class in on it. It’s truly gross how many kids have crushes on him, since he practically sweats Drakkar Noir.

    Correct! When he’s not leaving his motorcycle helmet out on his desk conspicuously, Mr. Ivers takes the whole “young teacher” thing way too far by acting like it’s some big secret they don’t want you to know that Shakespeare made sex puns, and only he’s badass enough to let the class in on it. It’s truly gross how many kids have crushes on him, since he practically sweats Drakkar Noir.

  5. 5. “She would hang on him,
    As if an increase of appetite had grown
    By what it fed on.”

    Correct! Mrs. O’Hare takes great pains to make sure everyone in class understands that Hamlet is talking about his mother having sex with his uncle, but with her memory going, she just hammers it home over and over to the same few students. It’s unclear whether how profoundly old she is makes it better or worse!

    Nope! That’s Mr. Gunnar, who got fired for telling Miles Bashir’s friends he hoped they’d drive drunk after they egged his car in the parking lot, so he’s not teaching English anymore!

    Sorry! Mrs. O’Hare is the one who takes great pains to make sure everyone in class understands that Hamlet is talking about his mother having sex with his uncle, but with her memory going, she just hammers it home over and over to the same few students. It’s unclear whether how profoundly old she is makes it better or worse!

    Sorry! Mrs. O’Hare is the one who takes great pains to make sure everyone in class understands that Hamlet is talking about his mother having sex with his uncle, but with her memory going, she just hammers it home over and over to the same few students. It’s unclear whether how profoundly old she is makes it better or worse!

  6. 6. “Why art thou yet so fair? Shall I believe
    That unsubstantial Death is amorous;
    And that the lean abhorrèd monster keeps
    Thee here in dark to be his paramour?”

    Sorry! It’s actually Mr. Williams who embarrasses himself by summarizing all of Romeo And Juliet in an original rap complete with a shitty homemade backing track, citing these lines in the last verse and following them up with a truly awful pun on “boning.” For Christ’s sake, he’s 40.

    Sorry! It’s actually Mr. Williams who embarrasses himself by summarizing all of Romeo And Juliet in an original rap complete with a shitty homemade backing track, citing these lines in the last verse and following them up with a truly awful pun on “boning.” For Christ’s sake, he’s 40.

    Nope! That’s Ms. Tyson, who makes every class a silent reading session so she can spend the whole period hissing out a hushed, furious phone call with her divorce lawyer.

    Correct! Mr. Williams annually embarrasses himself by summarizing all of Romeo And Juliet in an original rap complete with a shitty homemade backing track, citing these lines in the last verse and following them up with a truly awful pun on “boning.” For Christ’s sake, he’s 40.

  • Results for Can You Match The Shakespeare Quote With The English Teacher Who Insists On Explaining Why It’s Sexual?

    You're A Disaster At This!

    Wow. Did you ever actually go to school? Or were you raised in the woods, by treefolk? Clearly, you have no idea how to spot an English teacher who really, really likes to make Shakespeare sexy. Check yourself into the public school system and try again.
  • Results for Can You Match The Shakespeare Quote With The English Teacher Who Insists On Explaining Why It’s Sexual?

    You're Okay At This!

    You're no savant, but you've got a little sense of which teachers truly see the sensuality of The Bard. Still, there's a ton of room for improvement. Do yourself a favor and shadow some high school classes, and drop into a teacher's lounge now and then to see who the other teachers tend to move away from. Then, take this quiz again!
  • Results for Can You Match The Shakespeare Quote With The English Teacher Who Insists On Explaining Why It’s Sexual?

    You're A Master At This!

    Wow, wow, wow! You've got a sixth sense for knowing which teachers take it upon themselves to explore the carnal undertones of their material! You must be some kind of principal, or even a superintendent! If you're not already on a school board, you better get yourself appointed to one ASAP! Now go get some rest on those laurels, champ!
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