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Are You Impartial Enough About Salad To Be A Juror On A Case That Heavily Involves Salad?

Federal law guarantees the accused the right to a fair and impartial trial. To ensure that you are fit to serve on the jury of the present case, which directly concerns salad, we ask that you answer the following questions assessing your impartiality regarding salad.

  1. 1. Please describe what is in this picture:

  2. 2. Viewing media containing information that prejudices you for or against salad may be grounds for disqualification from the jury. Please indicate which of the following news stories you have read most recently:
  3. 3. If you were told that in the present case, a man was discovered dead in a room along with only a large, half-eaten bowl of salad, what would be your first assessment of the situation?
  4. 4. Rate how strongly you agree or disagree with this statement: Ingredients deserve to be kept in separate bowls in separate rooms. Anything else would be an abomination.
  5. 5. Rate how strongly you agree or disagree with this statement: When the dentist emails me to say she is coming over to punish my child for ruining his mouth, I feel safe knowing I can cover my child in lettuce to disguise him as a salad so that the dentist will not be able to find him.
  6. 6. Lastly, as a formality, please answer truthfully: Do you love yourself a salad at any time of the day or night?
  • Results for Are You Impartial Enough About Salad To Be A Juror On A Case That Heavily Involves Salad?

    You Qualify To Serve As A Juror On A Case That Heavily Involves Salad.

    Congratulations. You have shown yourself to be an eminent scholar of salad whose enlightened, nuanced views on the subject stand as a shining example to your peers and the world. You are perfectly suited to the task of objectively assessing the central role salad plays in the present case. And if, when you are finished serving on this jury, you should decide to pursue a serious academic career in the study of salad, we urge you to consider it. Any university would surely be glad to take you.
  • Results for Are You Impartial Enough About Salad To Be A Juror On A Case That Heavily Involves Salad?

    You Are Disqualified Due To Indecent Saladlust.

    We regret to inform you that your responses have revealed beyond a doubt that you are deep in the thrall of overwhelming saladlust. When you see a forest, you yearn for a chef to arrive and shred it so that it may become a beautiful salad, which is all you have ever craved. Unfortunately, you are a fool for salad with a passion so severe that you must never be allowed to marry, drive a car, or serve on this jury.
  • Results for Are You Impartial Enough About Salad To Be A Juror On A Case That Heavily Involves Salad?

    You Qualify To Serve As A Juror On A Case That Heavily Involves Salad.

    Based on your responses, it's clear that you know astonishingly little about salad. At times, it seems you have never even heard of salad. At others, you appear to believe that everything is salad. Either way, your total absence of salad knowledge ensures that you harbor no biases for or against the dish on which the present case turns, making you an ideal juror. Welcome to the jury.
  • Results for Are You Impartial Enough About Salad To Be A Juror On A Case That Heavily Involves Salad?

    You Are Disqualified Due To An Evident Anti-Salad Bias.

    Your responses suggest that you harbor extreme, bigoted views about salad that would compromise your ability to objectively assess the central role of salad in the present case. You do not qualify to serve as a juror. Furthermore, we suggest you consider seeking professional counseling to help address some of your issues with salad and work toward a healthier relationship with the dish.

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