ClickHole

You’re At The Zoo! Can You Touch A Camel?

You’re sitting alone in your apartment minding your own business when, out of nowhere, someone bursts through your front door.

It’s your landlord, Chester, and he wants to have a word with you.

“Look, let’s cut the bullshit,” he says. “Your life ain’t nothing but a big frown, and it’s a goddamn shame that you happened. But you’re here, and there’s nothing nobody can do about it, so you might as well get out of this junk-ass funeral apartment and try to be happy.”

Chester pauses to spit on your carpet.

“So what’s it gonna be, eh? What’s something that would make a toilet-faced clown like you happy?”

“Goddamn, that’s a stupid idea. You’re a moron! A tragedy! An ass of a tenant! But if touching a camel will make you happy, then let’s get you to a fucking zoo.”

“Welp, here we are. It’s the goddamn zoo,” says Chester. “There’s probably a camel in there you can touch. Maybe it will make you happy, but probably not. Life owes losers like you no favors.”

Chester pauses to spit on your shoes.

“Anyway, I’m gonna leave you here and go do some winner shit. You’re on your own now, asshole. Good luck.”

You go into the zoo just like your landlord, Chester, told you to. Chester is very successful and well-respected, and you’re thrilled that he took the time out of his busy schedule to help you become a better person.

Hopefully, you can touch a camel today. You like camels because they are horses that God made while he was having a seizure, sort of like how you are a human that God made while having a seizure. You think that touching a camel would make you happy, and maybe if you were happy you could become a winner like Chester.

According to the helpful map, the Camel Savannah exhibit is at the back of the zoo.

Oh no. Looks like the camel exhibit is closed today. What a disaster.

“Hello, why can’t I go to the camels?” you ask a passing maintenance worker.

“The exhibit’s closed for construction. The ceilings were only 4 feet high, and the camels had to roll around on the floor if they wanted to get anywhere. So now we’re making the ceilings 5 feet high to make it easier for them.”

“Yes, good idea,” you say. “Where are the camels staying while you fix their house?”

“We loaded them up in a backhoe and dumped them off somewhere else in the zoo. I’d tell you where, but you look like a huge loser.”

Everyone is mean to you all the time and you don’t know why.

“Fuck off,” the man says, throwing the watch into the trash can. “Losers don’t get to know about camels.”

The camels could be anywhere in the zoo. Where would you like to go look for them?

“Hello, welcome to the Rascal Flatts Memorial Petting Zoo,” says a man. “You can touch animals with your hands here.”

The first animal you see is a quiet horn animal.

The horn animal likes it when you pat its face, and it screams with ecstasy. Other horn animals take notice, and a smaller one comes over and holds its face up so that you will pet it too.

You pat the smaller horn animal’s face, and it screams even louder than the first one. The screaming is so loud that, suddenly, a ton more horn animals rush over in hopes that you will pat their faces.

You try patting all of the horn animals’ faces, but whenever they make a pleasure scream, dozens more of them show up. You don’t know where they’re coming from, but thousands of the horn animals crowd into the petting zoo, and they won’t let you go anywhere—not even to the bathroom. You only have time to pat maybe half of them before the sun starts setting and an employee informs you that the zoo is closing. It’s time to go.

What the heck? Looks like you won’t be touching a camel after all.

Well, look what we have here! It’s a husky boy rabbit. When you were little, you had 70 rabbits just like this one that would sleep in your bed and play baseball with you and chase you to church. They were your best friends, but wreckage from the Challenger explosion fell from the sky and landed on them, killing them instantly. A lot of kids from your school saw it happen, and they still josh you about it to this day.

The rabbit lets out a loud sigh.

Eek, frog! No thanks!

You happen upon a big, soft hog, and you’re offended to see that he is sleeping. You believe very strongly that the hog should be awake, as the only purpose and job that petting zoo animals have in life is to interact with humans and make them feel special. Some ways they can do this are by eating pellets out of your hand, making sounds at you, or letting children hit them without retaliating.

When you buy a zoo ticket, you’re paying to become the animals’ master for the day. And while you might be a nobody in the real world, here you are a big deal—a ruler of beasts. Understanding this incredible power that you have, you decide that it’s your responsibility to wake up this big, soft hog and show him that you are its boss.

How do you want to wake him up?

The rude hog doesn’t wake up. He is not obeying.

You can’t let him disrespect you. Try harder to wake him up.

Hearing the incredibly scary pig cartoon makes the hog wake up right away, but he’s so terrified that he sprints out of his pen and runs far away. Now that you think about it, that was a pretty mean thing you did to the hog. You hope he will forgive you and come back later.

You pick up the hog and shake him around and yell in his face. It wakes him up right away, but it scares him so much that he sprints out of his pen and runs far away. Now that you think about it, that was a pretty mean thing you did to the hog. You hope he will forgive you and come back later.

You wander out of the hog pen and see something so amazing that your heart literally stops beating and all your blood pools in your hands, making your hands swell up like veiny couch cushions. It’s a goddamn camel, the beautiful, lumpy animal that you love so much.

Yes!

So dang cool!

And because the camel is in the petting zoo, you’re allowed to touch it, meaning your dream of touching a camel is finally going to come true. Christ, what a special treat you’re about to enjoy!

Oh shit!

Just as you go to touch the magnificent camel, an enraged hog the size of your landlord Chester’s Dodge Durango jumps in front of you and roars as loud as your landlord Chester’s Dodge Durango. It’s growling and baring its teeth in a way that makes it clear that it wants to eat you to death. Out of the corner of your eye, you can see the hog that you were mean to earlier also growling, and you figure that the giant murder hog must be the hog from earlier’s dad or mayor or something. Whoever he is, he’s here to teach you a lesson.

The huge hog kicks at the dirt, opens up its big, dangerous mouth, and lunges right for your head.

You close your eyes and wait to die. And then you keep waiting...and keep waiting....

For some reason, the hog is not eating you.

It’s the camel!

He saw that you were in trouble and smashed the hog out of midair with one swing of his powerful head. Wow! YOU FUCKING LOVE CAMELS SO FUCKING MUCH!!!

Unfortunately, the hog isn’t ready to quit yet. He charges at the camel and tackles him to the ground, where he batters him over and over with his giant, keg-size hooves. The camel moans in pain, and it seems like he’s about to give up. But just as the hog readies to deliver one final blow, the camel springs his head up and bites off the hog’s huge, meaty ballsack. The hog roars, then scampers away in agony.

Though the camel still has enough strength to eat both of the hog’s testicles, he’s badly beaten and unable to get up. He looks over at you and makes a noise that sounds like an out-of-tune accordion getting slowly crushed in a sunroof. Your buddy is hurt.

You figure that now is probably a good time to do what you set out to do. It’s time to touch a camel.

You touch the camel. You pet him with your hand in a nice and gentle way because he is all fucked up from the hog.

“Thank you for saving my life, camel,” you tell him in your best camel voice, hoping he’ll understand. “I’ll never be able to fully express my gratitude, but here’s five dollars as a small thank-you.”

You tenderly shove a $5 bill into his ear. The camel seems moved by the gesture. Then, suddenly, he gets up and gallops away. He doesn’t limp or anything; apparently, he’s fine.

Anyway, so that’s that. You did the thing you set out to do. You touched a camel. Way to go.

You do the beginner’s foot sweep as hard as you can, but the hog counters by snatching you in his mouth and swallowing you whole. You have been eaten as food.

You luck out big time, though, in that the hog does not chew you up. You’re sort of just sitting in his mouth, 100 percent alive.

You start singing the awesome rock ’n’ roll song, but you’re almost immediately cut off. The big ol’ hog spits you out at the zoo exit and points his hoof toward the parking lot as if to say, “Leave!” Looks like it’s time to go.

You’re glad that you’re not dead, but you wish you could’ve touched a camel. Oh well.

You start kicking, but it doesn’t really matter. The big ol’ hog spits you out at the zoo exit and points his hoof toward the parking lot as if to say “Leave!” Looks like it’s time to go.

You’re glad that you’re not dead, but you wish you could’ve touched a camel. Oh well.

Where would you like to go look for the camels now?

The horn animal takes your hand in its mouth and sucks hard until your saltiness is depleted. Afterwards, it stands on its back legs in the manner of a human boy and bows its head in gratitude. Then it toddles forward to you and holds its paws out to you, inviting you to do a romantic slow dance.

“Nope. Don’t even think about it. She has a husband.”

“The Rascal Flatts approached the zoo and asked if we could name anything after them. They’d written a song called ‘We Are Pleased To Announce That A Zoo Has Named Something After Us,’ and they were certain that the song would win a Grammy, but they couldn’t legally release it until a zoo actually did name something after them, otherwise they might get arrested for lying. We told them that we don’t normally name things after people unless they die or make a large contribution to the zoo’s conservation fund. They asked how large of a contribution they would need to make, and we said $100, and they immediately decided that they would rather die. Before we could persuade them otherwise, they wrapped themselves in flank steak and jumped into the zebra exhibit, where they were promptly eaten alive.”

“Even though they died, we decided that we still wouldn’t name anything after them; we felt that some of the zoo’s other benefactors were more deserving. However, two years after their death, one of our zebras vomited out a pair of blue jeans. The blue jeans belonged to Rascal Flatts’ lead vocalist, Gary LeVox, and in the front pocket there was a $100 bill. The zoo’s conservation fund accepted the money as a donation, and to honor Gary for his generous support, we decided to change the name of our petting zoo from Feces-Scented Enclosure For Livestock To Bite Children’s Hands to The Rascal Flatts Memorial Petting Zoo.”

You find the place where the bad birds are. You can tell the birds are going to be really bad because people keep walking out and throwing up on their hands.

The first bird you see is a disaster. It breathes smoke out of its face and quietly mutters curse words in Spanish. It only has, like, eight feathers total, and the rest of its skin is basically scabs.

Oh no. It’s a monster. The feeling you get when you look at this bird is the same feeling you had when the Costa Concordia sank. (Your mom was on the Costa Concordia when it capsized; she refused to evacuate because she still had three minutes on the massage chair and didn’t want to waste a dollar. In retrospect, you are happy she’s no longer alive so she doesn’t have to suffer from seeing this bad bird.)

You try to keep a positive attitude at all times, but looking at this war crime makes you so pissed off that you need to punch yourself in the groin over and over to calm down. The thought of a majestic camel possibly having to share a space with this rotten duck is almost more than you can bear.

The placard for this monster says that its eggs come out looking like “dented Diet Pepsi cans covered in blistered skin.” Because you have learned this fact, you no longer believe in heaven.

You don’t have much more patience for these bad birds. If there are any camels here, they better show themselves soon.

Oh no. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to you. Someone please call 911 on this gross mutant bird. Oh God. You’re going to throw up. The barf is bubbling up into your neck, and there are, like, 10 gallons of it. You need to throw up right now.

You get to the Vomiting Station and throw up for half an hour. When you’re all done, you stand up, wipe off your mouth, and notice a man and his tiny husband pointing and laughing at something nearby.

“Can’t you see we’re having a moment here?” the larger husband snarls.

“Seriously, leave us alone, dumbfuck,” the smaller, wiser husband spits. “The thing we’re looking at is too awesome for a dickless loser like you. Fuck off.”

Holy cow! It’s a goddamn camel! Just wandering around the zoo completely unattended! The special beast of your dreams!

You’re trying to play it cool, but you’re suddenly more nervous than you’ve ever been in your life. The camel looks so fucking cool.

Okay. Calm down. You gotta touch it. Don’t goof this up...don’t goof this up...don’t goof this up....

You walk very slowly and carefully toward the camel. You’re getting close, but just when the camel is within petting distance, the zoo train tour chugs by in front of you, blocking your path to the camel. By the time the train passes, the camel is gone.

“Why the long face, cockmaestro?” a little boy yells from the train’s caboose as it pulls away. “Were you hoping to pet that camel’s dick? Too bad, loser!”

You try running after the mean little boy to give him a spanking, but the train is too fast. You have missed your chance to spank the boy, and you’ve missed your chance to touch the camel.

You start sprinting wildly toward the camel, screaming as loud as you can. Unfortunately, you don’t notice the banana peel in your path until it’s too late.

You step on the banana peel and it gets stuck to your shoe. The camel sees the rubbery, limb-like flaps of the banana peel dangling off your shoe and mistakes it for his greatest natural enemy: the octopus. He gets scared and sprints away at top speed (70 mph).

Worse yet, when you step on the banana peel, its aroma gushes into the air and attracts a scary gorilla. The gorilla is staring at you from atop a fence and breathing really loud. He smells banana and thinks that you’re hiding food from him. He keeps puffing out and retracting his penis to intimidate you.

The gorilla is shocked to see your middle finger. He leaps down from his perch and begins slamming his fists against the ground in sadness. He then waddles over to a nearby duck pond and tries to drown himself.

You feel relieved that the gorilla didn’t murder you, but sad that you weren’t able to pet a camel when you had the chance.

Unfortunately, you failed to realize that this gorilla is one of those gorillas who knows sign language, and in sign language the gesture you made at him means “Me and the boys down at the planetarium have been sharing rude rumors about your mama’s stalactite titties.”

This hurts the gorilla’s feelings, and he pounces on you and rips your arms off. Luckily, he quickly loses interest and wanders away, sparing your life.

The bad news is that without your arms, you can’t pet a camel. And if you can’t do that, then there’s really no reason to be at the zoo. Your day is ruined.

Okay. Where do you want to go look for camels now?

You throw up for a long time. Seeing the bad birds made you want to die.

Where do you want to go look for camels now?

Even though everyone is super mean to you now, you know deep down in your heart that you’ll be the coolest guy in town once you have seen and touched a camel.

Where do you want to go look for camels now?

Here is the house where the good birds live. You hope that the camels are in there and that the good birds are laying lots of eggs for them to eat as snacks.

Ah, look! It’s a friendly child blood-hawk gathering flower meat to feed to its ornery, engorged mother. How delightful!

Oooo! It’s an elegant jungle piper. According to the placard, its species is highly endangered, as monkeys chase them through the jungle all day long trying to smash their skulls with coconuts so they can steal their feathers and use them to wipe their asses.

You look around and are pleased to see that there are no monkeys here right now. Unfortunately, you don’t see any camels either. But maybe they could be hiding.

Ha! It’s a swarm of wet gentlemen. According to the placard, these charming little guys are responsible for 98 percent of the world’s baby carrots. In the wild, they spend their days filing down normal-size carrots with their beaks so that they can collect the pulpy orange shavings and use them to embalm their dead.

You don’t know what this bird is, but it looks extremely friendly.

You feed the bird an expired gift card, and it loves the taste of the plastic. After it finishes eating its food, it opens its mouth, demanding that you feed it another gift card. You don’t have another expired gift card, though—just a LensCrafters gift card with $6 on it that you were saving for a rainy day. You’d really hate to part with it, but you also don’t want to disappoint the friendly bird.

The bird brings its face right up to yours and sticks its tongue out. It really wants you to feed it another gift card.

The friendly bird suddenly does not look friendly. It takes one of its long toenails and drags it across its throat in the way that means “I am going to slit your throat.”

The bird is very scary, and you should leave now.

Oh no. The bird chokes to death on your LensCrafters gift card. Its neck is too small for the food.

You cause a huge commotion by killing the bird and get kicked out of the zoo. Looks like you won’t get to touch a camel.

Those birds were nice, but not as nice as camels. Where would you like to look for camels now?

Wow, that was the closest you have ever come to being murdered by a friendly bird.

Where would you like to look for camels now?

You get to the Bug Amphitheater, but you don’t see any bugs. You don’t see any camels, either.

“You gotta get up close to see them, jackass,” a mean yet very helpful woman tells you. “They’re bugs. They’re small as fuck. You’re in the back fucking row right now. Frankly, you are a huge moron when it comes to how to go about looking at bugs.”

The woman smells like expensive flowers. You have never been on a date.

You quietly wait for three hours, but the bugs do not show up.

You wait for three more hours, but the bugs do not show up. You’re thinking that maybe they’re running late.

You wait for another three hours, but the bugs do not come. From the moon in the sky, you can tell that it is nighttime now.

There goes a plane!

Good morning, Mr. Sun! Welcome to daytime.

You have been waiting for 17 hours for the bugs to show up, but still no luck.

You keep waiting and waiting and waiting for the bugs. You wait so long that it becomes the future.

Now that you think about it, you should probably just ask an employee if the bugs are ever going to show up.

“Excuse me, lady,” you ask the employee from the future. “Are the bugs ever going to show up?”

“CALCULATING RESPONSE!” the employee screams. Her head retracts into her torso, and then she writhes around on the ground for 10 minutes. At one point, she catches on fire. Then she gets back up, and her head pops out again.

“RESPONSE CALCULATED!” she screams. “THE BUGS HAVE BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME. THEY ARE JUST TINY, AND YOU ARE SITTING TOO FAR FROM THE STAGE TO SEE THEM. YOU ARE A DIPSHIT WHO DID NOT REALIZE THAT YOU NEED TO BE UP CLOSE TO SEE BUGS.”

The employee then explodes.

Huh. Apparently, the bugs have been here all along. You just need to get up close to see them.

Ah, yep, there they are. Bugs.

Digging around, you do not find any camels, but you do find this huge bug.

“Give me sexxxxxxx,” it wheezes.

You gather that the huge bug is a pervert.

You have vanquished the pervert.

As you leave to go look somewhere else for the camels, you hear someone shouting at you.

“What the hell did you just do?!?” the man yells, his face doing an anger frown. “You just killed the last surviving Hungarian lecher beetle in the world! And just before its dazzling testicles were about to blossom! You fucking moron. That damn beetle was the star attraction of our beetle collection.”

You try to say sorry for killing the rare pervert animal, but the man is not having it. He bans you from the zoo forever, meaning you will never get to touch a camel for as long as you live.

This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to you.

You are glad to not be at the bug place anymore. Where would you like to look for camels now?

You go to the Rock ’N’ Roll Elephant Experience. A zookeeper introduces the “rock stars” (code word for elephants) one by one while awesome rock ’n’ roll music plays from the speakers.

“Let’s get this concert started by bringing out our first rock star!” the zookeeper shouts. “On lead guitar, give it up for Eric Clap-tusk!”

Eric Clap-tusk wags his trunk up and down in the manner of a guitar man playing a powerful guitar song, and guitar music happens from the speakers. You smile very hard when you realize his name has an elephant word in it (“tusk”).

“Next up onstage is the grooviest pachyderm in all the land. You can take a little piece of her heart...just don’t touch her peanuts! Give it up for Janis Trunk-lin!”

Janis Trunk-lin toddles back and forth a little in the manner of a groovy hippie dance. You play her name back in your head three times to see if there are any funny elephant words in it, but it seems to be just a normal name.

“This next lad joins us all the way from Liverpool...Liverpool, Africa, that is! On the drums, please put your hands together for Dumbo Starr!”

Dumbo Starr flops his trunk around as if to pretend like he’s playing drums. He looks very tired at first, but then a zookeeper comes over and gives him a shot that makes him go insane with energy.

“Yes,” he growls, handing you a slobber-drenched piece of paper.

“Look out, ladies, because when this crooner shakes his hips, you can’t help but swoon! Give a warm welcome to the king of rock ’n’ roll, Elephis Presley!”

Elephis Presley just lies there and makes toilet all over his legs. In your opinion, he’s not a very good rock star or elephant.

While you wait for the next elephant to come out, you look around the enclosure for any signs of camels. Doesn’t seem like there are any.

“It would take a lot more than an airplane crash to take this ‘big’ fella down. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the Big-Ear Bopper!”

The Big-Ear Bopper comes out and sprays dust out of his trunk to the rhythm of the rock ’n’ roll song playing over the speaker. You hardly pay attention to him, however, because you notice something peculiar popping up from the fence behind him. You see two tan-colored humps, and they look exactly like the humps that camels have. Holy shit! That’s gotta be a camel!

You’re so excited to see the camel that you don’t even bother climbing the fence—you just run straight through it. Unfortunately, when you get to the other side, you are disgusted to see that you were not looking at a camel at all, but rather two filthy old-timers in hideous fashion hats.

“Hey, Edith, get a load of this goddamn skunk ape that escaped from the zoo,” one of the old-timers says to the other, laughing at your idiot-like appearance. “Quick, someone euthanize him before he rapes a car.”

You try to think of a mean thing to say back to them, but are interrupted by a loud roaring sound.

It is Elephis Presley the elephant! He must have escaped through the hole you made in the fence. A delighted crowd gathers around him as he makes his funny guitar motion with his trunk and cries.

Before you can do anything with Elephis Presley, a lawman shows up.

“It was very dumb of you to let that elephant out of the zoo,” the lawman says. “Elephants are large and swollen with violence, and if they escape into the public, you gotta kill ’em with a grenade to make sure they don’t punt anyone with their fat hooves.”

“And, truth is, I don’t wanna have to be the guy who blows this elephant up with a grenade; I’ve done enough of that in my career to know that it ain’t no fun. So how ’bout this: I won’t arrest you for letting the elephant out of the zoo if you’ll blow it up with a grenade for me. ”

The lawman gives you a grenade and you throw it at Elephis Presley. The beast senses danger and immediately grabs the grenade with his trunk and stuffs it inside a homeless man’s shopping cart, where it safely detonates. Elephis Presley then realizes that you tried to do a mean thing to him, and he starts running at you as fast as he can. He takes his big, dumb elephant hoof and punts you into the back of a garbage truck. The garbage truck’s crusher thing drops down on your private genitals and grinds them up real good.

“Whoops, didn’t realize there was a sexless moron back there,” the man driving the garbage truck says.

He leans out the driver’s-side window and laughs at you, and you realize that it’s your successful landlord, Chester, who now has a garbage truck for some reason.

Chester drives the garbage truck to the hospital and dumps you out at the front door along with all the other garbage. After the doctors dig you out of the suffocating pile of trash, they take one look at you and give you their diagnosis: You have been paralyzed from the waist up. This means that only your legs work and your top half just sort of flops around everywhere.

You’re discharged from the hospital without any further medical care, and you spend the rest of your days blindly running around on your still-working legs, smashing into stuff because you can’t see anything. Sadly, you never end up getting to touch a camel.

“If that’s the case, then I’m going to have to place you under arres—”

The lawman is cut off mid-sentence by Elephis Presley, who punts him 20 yards in the air with his huge, fat elephant hoof.

“Yes! Thank you, elephant!” you say.

Unfortunately, Elephis Presley is on a blind rampage and doesn’t realize that you’re a friend who refused to explode him with a grenade. He takes his big, dumb elephant hoof and punts you into the back of a garbage truck. The garbage truck’s crusher thing drops down on your private genitals and grinds them up real good.

“Whoops, didn’t realize there was a sexless moron back there,” the man driving the garbage truck says.

He leans out the driver’s-side window and laughs at you, and you realize that it’s your successful landlord, Chester, who now has a garbage truck for some reason.

Chester drives the garbage truck to the hospital and dumps you out at the front door along with all the other garbage. After the doctors dig you out of the suffocating pile of trash, they take one look at you and give you their diagnosis: You have been paralyzed from the waist up. This means that only your legs work and your top half just sort of flops around everywhere.

You’re immediately discharged from the hospital, and you spend the rest of your days blindly running around on your still-working legs, smashing into stuff because you can’t see anything. Sadly, you never end up getting to touch a camel.

The camels could be anywhere in the zoo. Where would you like to go look for them?

You go into the Goblin Cage exhibit. It’s really dark, but you can see the goblin’s green devil eyes looking right at you. You’re afraid of the dark because one time, your landlord, Chester, turned off your electricity for two years as a prank, and every night for 100 weeks it would be pitch-black in your apartment, and Chester would sneak in and hide your dead Grandma Mary’s skeleton in a place where he knew you would accidentally touch it, and so now whenever it’s dark you have a painful fear in your belly that you’ll accidentally touch your sweet Grandma Mary, who went to hell (according to Chester).

You turn the lights on and see that the goblin is an old goblin.

“I’m not a fucking goblin,” the goblin says. “I’m the former first lady of the United States, and the zoo kidnapped me and brought me here against my will.”

“I told you, dipshit, I’m not a goddamn goblin,” the goblin says. She yells something else at you, but you don’t hear because you’re distracted by the shape of her ancient goblin face.

The goblin’s eyes narrow mischievously. You worry that she may be summoning a charm. If she tries to show you her dark magic, you’re mentally prepared to rip out her Life Stone with your bare hands.

“So you want to know if there are camels here, eh?” she asks, her voice hoarse and labored from thousands of years of screaming at the moon.

“Okay, well, how about this: If you let me out of this cage, I’ll tell you if there are camels here.”

You may not be very smart, but you know that goblins are deceivers. While her deal is tempting, there’s a chance she might just be tricking you into letting her out so she can steal your belt and feed it to her blood nymphs.

But on the other hand, if she’s telling the truth, then she might be able to show you where the camels are.

The goblin wasn’t helpful. Where should you go now to look for camels?

You grab a pair of headphones for the self-guided audio tour and enter the exhibit.

“Here is a deer from the woods,” explains the audio guide. “It’s not special in any way, and you have probably hit one with your car.”

“Here is a raccoon, which, as you know, is basically a bad, sick dog. We don’t have to feed this junk animal because it just eats the garbage that blows into its pen.”

“Here is a gross opossum. Opossums are often found in rusted-out washing machines in the woods, where they eat things like lead and their own babies. It’s not clear why you would come look at this nasty animal when there are elephants not too far from here.”

You’ve been looking hard, but so far, you haven’t seen any camels in the junk animals’ habitat.

“Welp. It’s a skunk. The animal that ruins everything. You should really leave this part of the zoo now.”

You are having such a bad time looking at these boring animals, and it doesn’t seem like any camels are here.

Oh no. What have you done? You just wanted to startle the skunk a little, but looks like you’ve killed him. Oh God, this is awful. What a terrible and mean thing you did to that boring skunk. Also, two people saw.

Oh no, you only made it worse. You forgot to take into account that skunks are smaller than humans, and you did the CPR compressions too hard, sending the poor fella’s guts flying everywhere.

Phew, that’s better.

Oh good, it worked. The skunk is not dead anymore.

Seeing the terrible junk animals only made you want to see the camels more. Where would you like to look for them next?

You feel so sad about what you did to that skunk. The only thing that could make you feel better now is petting a camel. Where do you want to go look for one?

You unlock the goblin’s cage, and as soon as you do, she bursts through the door and rips your belt off, causing your trousers to drop to your feet.

“Thanks a lot, dumbass!” the goblin cackles as she scrambles up the wall and flees through a ceiling vent. ”I’d rather die than tell you where the camels are!”

You try pulling your pants up too hard and rip them clean off your body, leaving you even more naked than before. Right after this happens, a group of children on a field trip wander into the exhibit and see your wacky disgrace. You know that this is illegal, so you immediately call the police to explain that you were only naked unto the children because you tried to get a goblin to show you some camels but she stole your belt and fed it to her blood nymphs instead. The police understand completely and assure you that you won’t get in trouble. But while you’ve got them on the line, you decide to also confess that you accidentally ran over a turtle with your car in 2006 and couldn’t stop smiling for a week. The police are outraged to hear this, and they come to the zoo and arrest you.

Now, you’re being taken to a maximum-security jail. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like you will be able to touch a camel.

You go to the Cowards Of The Deep exhibit, and your heart is full of hope that you will find the wonderful camels that you love. You take a pair of headphones for the self-guided audio tour and begin exploring the attraction.

“Here is a dumb octopus camouflaging himself against the aquarium floor like the world’s biggest coward,” the audio guide explains. “He’s afraid of the bright coral reef on the other side of the tank even though it can’t bite him or hit him or anything. Oh my God, what a pussy.”

“Coward alert! Get a load of this wide-eyed flounder who is pretending he is sand so that no one will eat him. A member of the Bothus podas genus, this idiot clearly doesn’t realize how stupid he looks. The zoo paid $700 for him—does he honestly think we’d risk that investment by putting something in there that would eat him?”

“You’d be hard-pressed to find a bigger coward in all the world’s subtropical marine ecosystems than this shitty stingray whimpering here on the aquarium floor. Why the hell is he hiding from us? Doesn’t he know that his butt is a weapon? He could easily kill a guy if he wanted, but he’s too much of a pussy to try.”

You’ve been looking very hard, but you haven’t seen any camels yet. If there are some here, you fear they might be drowned—they are probably too deformed to swim.

“Hahahahaha! Look at this fucking farce of a bear! Indigenous to the frigid archipelagos of the Arctic Circle, this bullshit polar bear often swims deep underwater to take refuge from the loud yet harmless things that scare him on land, like airplanes flying overhead or the zoo’s tram conductor clanging his bell as he drives past.”

“Well, look what we have here: another enormous coward. You may be wondering why this dickless twerp is camouflaging his scales to blend into his surroundings. While some might argue that he’s merely employing an evolutionary defense instinct to give himself a survival advantage against large predators, the most likely answer is that he’s simply the world’s biggest pussy.”

You’re having a nice time looking at the pussy fish, but you’re really starting to doubt that the nice camels are here. You want so badly in your heart to pet a camel that you feel like you might throw up in your lap and on your shirt. You probably need to go look for the camels somewhere else.

There are so many exhibits where the camels could be hiding. Where do you want to look now?

You get to the Snake Wad, but of course there is a huge crowd. Kids love the Snake Wad more than all the pop stars and cartoon characters in the world combined, and you’ll probably have to wait for hours in line to see it. You know that the camels might be up there, though, and it would really make you sad to miss them.

After waiting in line for 11 hours, it’s finally your turn to see the Snake Wad. You smell sour because there were no bathrooms and you made piss on yourself two times.

The guard will now escort you through the security gate.

Here is the beautiful Snake Wad. You don’t see any camels.

You try to climb into the Snake Wad, but a security guard stops you.

“Sorry, pal. I know it’s tempting, but not even employees get to climb in.”

The man is asleep from your hands, and now you are inside the warm Wad.

You’re digging and digging with your fingernails, and the snakes are all moaning because of the good way it feels.

You stick your arm down real deep, and after squishing around for a couple of minutes, you think you feel something. You’re not 100 percent sure, but you’re pretty convinced it’s a camel.

Well, this stinks. Looks like it was a gun that you felt instead of a camel, and when you yanked on it, you exploded your head with a bullet. Dang it. You’re not gonna get to touch a camel now.

Yep, no camels.

You feel so disappointed that piss comes out again.

Where would you like to look for the nice camels now?

“No. That’s what nerds and cowards do. Choose something else.”

“No. That’s stupid, and you would look like a pussy. Choose something else.”

“No. Terrible idea. You’re an imbecile. Choose something else.”

“No. That’s not for you. Mutants should be alone. Choose something else.”


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