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Pleasure This Fern

This is a fern.

For millions of years, the fern has called the Earth its home…

Throughout its storied history on our planet, the fern has borne witness to some of humanity’s greatest triumphs…

And its greatest failures…

But through it all, it has remained our noble friend and ally.

It is magnificent.

It is glorious.

It is ancient.

It is green.

It grows outside.

But it can also be in a house.

It is a fern.

Now it is time to show our gratitude.

Pleasure this fern.

Well, all right.

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How would you like to pleasure this fern?

Oh nice. Seems like that actually worked. You pleasured the fern! Well done!

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Smart. Taking the fern to a strip club is a surefire way to pleasure it. Good thinking! You pick it up and walk up to the front door of the strip club.

But you are immediately stopped by the bouncer.

“Sorry, pal. But you can’t come in here.”

“Yeah, no, the fern can come inside. But you can’t. You’re not on the list.”

“Well, fern, it looks like you have to go into the strip club without me,” you explain to the fern. “I’ll be waiting out here, so just come find me when you’re done, all right? Have a good time!”

The bouncer picks up the fern and goes inside the smoky club.

You walk the city streets to pass the time while the fern is in the strip club.

You check your watch. Wow. The fern sure has been in there a while.

“What?” says a nearby man.

You wait so long that you eventually fall asleep.

You finally awake to the sound of a fern. It’s the fern! It finally left the strip club!

The fern doesn’t respond. It just sits there.

You notice that the fern doesn’t look different at all. It seems to have barely even realized that it was at a strip club for what must have ended up being at least 10 hours.

“Goddammit, fern,” you sigh. “I waited all that time for you to get pleasure in the strip club and you didn’t even get pleasure in it? Well, I suppose it’s back to the drawing board. Come on, fern. Let’s go. There’s gotta be some other way to pleasure you.”

You use your lips to blow some of the hot air that’s stuck inside of you onto the fern.

You blow on it some more.

You do it more.

You keep blowing on it.

You breathe on the fern more.

You keep at it.

You put some more of your breath on the fern via your mouth.

Oh, cool. Looks like all that breathing paid off. You pleasured the fern!

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Yeah, that didn’t do anything.

Well, that didn’t seem to do much. It’s definitely more lubed up than it was before. But other than that, it’s pretty unclear if it pleasured the fern. Good job?

Great idea. It is common knowledge that ferns love it when someone sings a song to them. Which of the world’s finest singers are you going to get to sing a song to the fern?

This is the famous singer known as Schwepppppppppps. He is famous for the distinct sound of his teeth and lips. His most popular songs are “May I Cool My Warm Scalp In Your Sink?” and “My Scalp Is Medically Hot.”

Great. Which song do you want Schwepppppppppps to sing for the fern?

Great. Which song do you want One Thousand Dollars to sing for the fern?

Great. Which song do you want Computer Virus to sing for the fern?

Schwepppppppppps steps up to the microphone and sings a song for the fern:

🎵Three cheers for the Danny Aiello of plants!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵

🎵Three cheers for the plant whose poise is only rivaled by actor Danny Aiello!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵

🎵Three cheers for the fern, as well as Danny Aiello!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵

🎵Amen.🎵

One Thousand Dollars steps up to the microphone and sings a song for the fern:

🎵Three cheers for the Danny Aiello of plants!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵

🎵Three cheers for the plant whose poise is only rivaled by actor Danny Aiello!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵

🎵Three cheers for the fern, as well as Danny Aiello!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵

🎵Amen.🎵

Computer Virus steps up to the microphone and sings a song for the fern:

🎵Three cheers for the Danny Aiello of plants!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵

🎵Three cheers for the plant whose poise is only rivaled by actor Danny Aiello!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵

🎵Three cheers for the fern, as well as Danny Aiello!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵
🎵Yah!🎵

🎵Amen.🎵

Schwepppppppppps steps up to the microphone and sings a song for the fern:

🎵Licking…🎵
🎵Licking…🎵
🎵I am licking a fern…🎵
🎵I am licking it all over…🎵
🎵I am licking the leaves of a fern…🎵
🎵The whole fern, it’s…I am licking it…🎵

🎵But I am not🎵
🎵I am not🎵
🎵No, I am not eating it🎵

One Thousand Dollars steps up to the microphone and sings a song for the fern:

🎵Licking…🎵
🎵Licking…🎵
🎵I am licking a fern…🎵
🎵I am licking it all over…🎵
🎵I am licking the leaves of a fern…🎵
🎵The whole fern, it’s…I am licking it…🎵

🎵But I am not🎵
🎵I am not🎵
🎵No, I am not eating it🎵

Computer Virus steps up to the microphone and sings a song for the fern:

🎵Licking…🎵
🎵Licking…🎵
🎵I am licking a fern…🎵
🎵I am licking it all over…🎵
🎵I am licking the leaves of a fern…🎵
🎵The whole fern, it’s…I am licking it…🎵

🎵But I am not🎵
🎵I am not🎵
🎵No, I am not eating it🎵

Schwepppppppppps steps up to the microphone and sings a song for the fern:

🎵There’s a place where I know🎵
🎵All the fellas love to go🎵
🎵It’s a shady little spot🎵
🎵And when the weather’s hot🎵
🎵I grab my towel and go there🎵
🎵To tell a plant my sins🎵

🎵O, sweet fern,🎵
🎵My darling little honey priest🎵
🎵My sweet clergy baby doll,🎵
🎵My leafy green religious guide🎵

🎵I...🎵You’re...🎵 Amen, my little🎵 sweetie pie baby friend, goodnight🎵

Ah, yes. It is clear from just looking at it. You have pleasured the fern by treating it to this stirring performance. Well done.

One Thousand Dollars steps up to the microphone and sings a song for the fern:

🎵There’s a place where I know🎵
🎵All the fellas love to go🎵
🎵It’s a shady little spot🎵
🎵And when the weather’s hot🎵
🎵I grab my towel and go there🎵
🎵To tell a plant my sins🎵

🎵O, sweet fern,🎵
🎵My darling little honey priest🎵
🎵My sweet clergy baby doll,🎵
🎵My leafy green religious guide🎵

🎵I...🎵You’re...🎵 Amen, my little🎵 sweetie pie baby friend, goodnight🎵

Computer Virus steps up to the microphone and sings a song for the fern:

🎵There’s a place where I know🎵
🎵All the fellas love to go🎵
🎵It’s a shady little spot🎵
🎵And when the weather’s hot🎵
🎵I grab my towel and go there🎵
🎵To tell a plant my sins🎵

🎵O, sweet fern,🎵
🎵My darling little honey priest🎵
🎵My sweet clergy baby doll,🎵
🎵My leafy green religious guide🎵

🎵I...🎵You’re...🎵 Amen, my little🎵 sweetie pie baby friend, goodnight🎵

This is the world-famous singer named One Thousand Dollars. He is famous for the distinctive way he splashes in hot tub water while singing. His most popular songs are “God Has Fingernails” and “God Has Toenails.”

This is the world-famous singer named Computer Virus. She is famous for the distinctive way in which no one has ever seen or heard her before. Her most popular songs are “Monday And Tuesday And Thursday” and “Saturday And Sunday And Wednesday And Friday.”

So you want to give a man to the fern. That’s great. But first you have to find a man.

You immediately encounter this boy. He is way too young to be a man.

“I want to belong to the fern. Please allow me to become its possession.”

Here’s a house that could have a man in it. Want to break into this house?

Ah, yes. This house seems promising. You can already hear the sounds of men screaming inside from all the way out here. What do you think?

Okay, this is the last house on the block. Want to break in?

You take out your trusty crowbar and begin to bust open the door.

Darn. Looks like this house just has some sort of animal in it. Not a man in sight.

“Give me to the fern,” says the animal. “All I want is to belong to the fern.”

The dog yawns from sadness.

“This is terrible. My life is ruined. Have a nice day.”

You take out your trusty crowbar and begin to bust open the door.

But once you’re inside, there are no men to be seen. Just these two pregnant ladies.

“Hello, and thank you for breaking into our house,” says the pregnant lady whose name is secretly Martha.

“Can we help you with something?” says the pregnant lady whose name is secretly also Martha.

“Oh, that was just the two men who are growing inside of us,” says Martha.

“Yes,” says Martha as well. “The small and young men that are growing inside of us are always yelling at each other. Just listen!”

“Fuck you!” screams Martha’s stomach at the other Martha’s stomach.

“No, fuck you!” screams the other Martha’s stomach at the other Martha’s stomach.

“No, fuck you!” screams Martha’s stomach at the other Martha’s stomach.

“Fuck that. Fuck you!” screams the other Martha’s stomach at the other Martha’s stomach.

“Well, fuck you!” screams Martha’s stomach at the other Martha’s stomach.

“Oh-oh-oh fuck-fuck you-you-you-you, fuck! I fucking hate you!” screams the other Martha’s stomach at the other Martha’s stomach.

“Fuck! Fuck you! Fuck you! Wow! Fuck you!” screams Martha’s stomach at the other Martha’s stomach.

“No, fuck you!” screams the other Martha’s stomach at the other Martha’s stomach.

“No, fuck you!” screams Martha’s stomach at the other Martha’s stomach

“Sorry!” says Martha. “No men here yet.”

“Good luck finding a man to give to that fern!” says the other Martha.

“Fuck you!” scream Martha and the other Martha’s stomachs to each other.

You take out your trusty crowbar and begin to bust open the door.

Yes! At long last! A man.

You did it. You gave the fern a man and the fern is indeed feeling pleasure. Well done!

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Goddammit. You jiggled the wrong way and triggered the alarm. Now the cops are on their way.

“That’s correct,” says the responding officer. “The real tragedy of this situation is that there’s a fern out there that didn’t get to get pleasured. Shame on you.”

You get arrested and thrown in jail. Who’s going to pleasure the fern now, you idiot?

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“Wrong,” says the responding officer. “The real tragedy of this situation is that there’s a fern out there that didn’t get to get pleasured. Shame on you.”

You get arrested and thrown in jail. Who’s going to pleasure the fern now, you idiot?

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The fern doesn’t care about money. Are you fucking stupid? You’re dealing with the most noble and genuine species on the planet. And you offer it money? And not even that much money. Just like a few fucking coins? Like that’s going to bring the fern pleasure? Holy fucking shit. This is pathetic. Shame on you. Shame on you, dude!

You jump in the car, buckle up the fern, and hit the road. Where to? More like where not to! You and the fern can go anywhere you want. Just turn on the radio and hit the gas!

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Wow! It’s such a nice day! The wind runs through the fern’s green stems like a beautiful woman’s long and luxurious hair. You can hear a faint purring coming from the fern. This is how you know the fern is feeling pleasure. Right on!

Wow. It really is beautiful out here.

You put your arm around the fern and caress it gently.

“You know what would make this even better?” you say to the plant that is sitting next to you. “Rolling the top down.”

So good.

A man pulls up alongside you.

“Hey there! I couldn’t help but notice that you’re pleasuring that fern by taking it out for a drive, and I think that’s just great. I’ve been considering getting a fern myself! My wife was just executed for throwing quicksand at the president. So long!”

Yep. This day is going great.

No doubt about it. This sure is fun.

Who knew you could have so much fun in a single day? Incredible!

Yup. Life is good.

So fun.

What a great day.

Just a really stellar day spent pleasuring a fern. You’ve got to love it.

Fantastic.

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The fern shivers with pleasure.

The fern is positively trembling with pleasure.

The fern is vibrating with pleasure.

Oh no, you pleasured the fern too much. It’s dead now. Oh God, the fern is dead. This is awful. Oh God. Holy shit. What have you done? What the fuck have you done?

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You plop your big ass down on the fern and nothing happens. But then, slowly, you begin to sense a faint rumbling. You inspect the soil, but there’s nothing there. Suddenly, you hear a knocking at your asshole.

“Hello!” shouts a tiny voice. “May I please enter your asshole!”

“Thank you!” shouts the high-voiced thing that is now wriggling its way into your asshole, through your intestine, and up into your throat. A moment later, you can feel it arrive at the back of your mouth.

“Hello!” says a very tiny man who has emerged from your mouth. “I’m the little man that lives in the fern! I make sure the fern is in tip-top shape and keep it safe from harm!”

“To check you for weapons, of course,” says the tiny little man. “I don’t take any chances when it comes to the fern’s safety. For all I know, you could have been sent here to kill the fern.”

“I can’t pretend to know why man kills, why one being could slay another being. This is not for me to answer. I’m just the tiny man that lives in the fern. All I know is that someone could conceivably want to kill a fern, and my job is to stop that from happening. That’s why I crawled up your asshole.”

“What the fucking hell!” screams the tiny little man standing in your mouth. “Why would you do that? That’s so fucked up. I mean, that is really fucking sick. Shame on you. I’m going to crawl down into your throat and kick the shit out of your tonsils.”

So you set out to pleasure the fern and ended up setting it on fire and getting kicked in the tonsils by a tiny man. Maybe you could’ve made some better decisions. Oh well.

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“Oh! Why didn’t you say so! Well, I’ll let you get back to that. So long!”

And with that, the tiny man hops out of your mouth and into the fern.

You hold what appears to be a very tiny man in between your fingers.

“Hello!” says the very tiny man. “I’m the tiny man that lives in the fern! I make sure the fern is in tip-top shape and keep it safe from harm!”

“To check you for weapons, of course,” says the tiny little man. “I don’t take any chances when it comes to the fern’s safety. For all I know, you could have been sent here to kill the fern.”

“I can’t pretend to know why man kills,” says the tiny man. “Why one being could slay another being. This is not for me to answer. I’m just the tiny man that lives in the fern. All I know is that someone could conceivably want to kill the fern, and my job is to stop that from happening.”

“Oh! Why didn’t you say so! Well, I’ll let you get back to that. So long!”

And with that, the tiny man hops out of your mouth and into the fern.


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