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Need To Get Right With The Lord? Go To Church!

“Been a while since you went to church? Not a problem. It’s never too late to save your soul! Welcome, friend!”

The Lord Hath Smote Thee

“And I will execute great vengeance upon them with furious rebukes; and they shall know that I am the Lord, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them.” Ezekiel 25:17

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Here’s a nice seat toward the back.

Congratulations! You found a seat in church! So far so good. Now, what do you want to do?

“Welcome to church. First things first: God is a skinless warrior from the beginning of time. He’s my big bad buddy in the sky, and he’s always sad because everyone looks so stupid all the time in their really bad clothing...”

“...We are very embarrassing for God because we are always looking so ugly in our horrible clothes. God hates all the clothes that we wear. They are not his taste at all. When God watches us from on high, he is always freaking out about how ugly everyone’s fashion is. He is always totally losing his shit. This is the way of the Lord...”

“...Here are some guesses at what God sounds like when he talks: a loud trombone. A high-pitched squeal. A bubbly slurp. A sonic boom. The fact is, we don’t know what God sounds like. But that doesn’t mean we can’t guess every now and then just for fun...”

“...To return to my earlier point, God is truly great and thinks we all look nasty as hell. Amen...”

Looks like there’s a Bible and a church program. What do you want to look at?

These are the words of the Bible. The Scripture of the Lord. What do you wish to do with them?

You turn to talk to your neighbors and see this little kid.

“Hey! My name’s Ryan,” he says. “Good church, huh? Hey, listen: Do you believe in God?”

“Yeah, I don’t know. I believe in God some days, but other days I believe in other stuff.”

“Yeah. Like bad stuff...”

“Excuse me, but we’re passing around the church donation basket. Do you have anything to give?”

“Oh, that’s quite all right. We give what we can. Perhaps another time. Happy Sunday to you!”

“How kind of you. Every dollar counts! Thank you so much. Have a blessed day.”

“Wow. That’s a lot of money! You are definitely going to get on God’s good side with that donation! Nice!”

You zone out for a while as the pastor drones on and on. Time passes, but you’re not really aware of it. Your mind drifts to other things. Errands you still have to run. Emails you have to respond to. Did you remember to DVR that show? Finally, you sense that someone is standing near you. In front of you, in fact.

“Want to try some of God?” asks the pastor.

“This is the salty body of Christ. The crispy body of the salty savior. When you eat it, God burps even though it’s you who is eating it. That is the power of Christ the snack. Here it comes, into your mouth, the son of God, our crunchy cookie man on high, yum yum yum.”

“But it is good.”

“Now let us pray.”

What do you want to pray about?

“Amen. Now, God has heard our prayers and soon they will be coming true. I don’t know about you, but I am very excited for God to make my prayers come true. This concludes church. Now, go forth and make good guesses about God.”

Oh, no! That kid turned out to be a demon, and now he wants to eat your soul!

What’s your next move?

The Lord Has Saved Your Soul!

Suddenly, a figure descends from on high. Yes, it is indeed the Lord. In the face of this heavenly splendor, the demon has retreated, and you are left to bask in the glory of divine light. Rejoice, for your soul has been saved!

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The Demon Ate Your Soul

What a disastrous trip to church. You came to save your soul, and ended up giving it away like an idiot. God is ashamed that he invented you.

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“In the beginning,” you read. Wow. Such powerful words. How great is the Lord? How mighty and true? You are in awe of the glory of God. Suddenly, a tap on your shoulder disturbs your deep reflection.

You read the words of God aloud to your neighbors, and they love it a lot.

“Thank you for reading God’s words to us,” says the woman to your left. “Those are the great words of the Almighty God, and we love hearing them again and again! Have you ever thought of becoming a preacher?”

Before you can reply, someone taps you on the shoulder.

You make a mental note that God is great. Good call! Now, you will remember that God is great later on.

Suddenly, someone taps you on the shoulder.

You worship the Lord several times. It feels great. You are filled with the light of God. Amen.

Nice. You’ve worshipped the Lord a ton of times. Well done.

You really can’t worship too much. Nice work.

“...We are very embarrassing for God because we are always looking so ugly in our horrible clothes. God hates all the clothes that we wear. They are not his taste at all. When God watches us from on high, he is always freaking out about how ugly everyone’s fashion is. He is always totally losing his shit. This is the way of the Lord...”

“...Here are some guesses at what God sounds like when he talks: a loud trombone. A high-pitched squeal. A bubbly slurp. A sonic boom. The fact is, we don’t know what God sounds like. But that doesn’t mean we can’t guess every now and then just for fun...”

The church is alive with the music of the Lord. How do you want to sing?

“The Lord...is so freaking good.... Gotta love that God.... What a solid Lord,” you sort of mumble along.

“Well, I know a God who’s the best around / He’s the coolest God in the whole darn town / Oh, my Lord, what a good old Lord / I said ‘Thank you, Lord, for being the Lord,’” you sing loudly and well. People turn to you when they hear your voice and they are impressed. Nice!

“Lift me up, oh Lord, then put me down,” you sing poorly but with such passion that everyone around you cannot help but be inspired.


“Hello, there! I hope you had a great time at church.”

“I’m so glad! Hey, would you like to sneak a peek at God?”

“Pretty good? That’s not so bad. Hey, want to sneak a peek at God?”

“God is real. Come see!”

The pastor takes you behind the altar into a room with velvet curtains. You try to ask him what’s going on, but he shushes you.

“God will come out when the time is right.”

There’s God!

Wow. You sneaked a peek at God. If you weren’t before, truly you are a believer now. Nice! Savor this blessing, and live a life of devotion to the best Lord in the whole world! Amen!

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Go In Peace

“Suit yourself. Go in peace, my child. For you are a child of the number-one Lord. Amen.”

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You Went To Church!

“Come again sometime!” says the pastor who greeted you at the door when you first arrived. “Yeah, maybe I will,” you think to yourself as you leave. You had a good time at church. Nice!

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