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It’s Time To Marry Rob

This is Rob. You are in love with Rob.

Rob is your No. 1 boyfriend extraordinaire. He knows all the romance moves. He once bought you a rose, but a dog ate it.

Rob travels the country selling cups of freezing-cold vinegar out of the trunk of his minivan. You met him five years ago when he knocked on your door to sell you a cup of vinegar that had a bug in it for $75. When Rob saw how beautiful you were, he put a second bug in the cup, which he said was usually an honor reserved for the President of the United States. You fell in love with him immediately, and he has been your wonderful boyfriend ever since.

You’re goddamn right you love Rob. He is the only slab of beefcake that your libido can understand.

Rob travels the country selling cups of freezing-cold vinegar out of the trunk of his minivan. You met him five years ago when he knocked on your door to sell you a cup of vinegar that had a bug in it for $75. When Rob saw how beautiful you were, he put a second bug in the cup, which he said was usually an honor reserved for the President of the United States. You fell in love with him immediately, and he has been your wonderful boyfriend ever since.

One special night, Rob took you on a date to a restaurant so romantic that it only served lobsters that were in love with the chefs who boiled them alive. It was called Kiss Restaurant. It was the most romantic restaurant in the whole county.

You went to Kiss Restaurant with Rob. The lobster tasted sour and brave. You could hear the ghost of the lobster laughing in heaven as you eat his meat. It was the best lobster you had ever had. Three hours into the meal, Rob looked into your eyes and said, “Watch at this, amigo.” He snapped his fingers and three strippers dressed as sexy police officers dragged your car into the restaurant and blew it up with fireworks. It was the most romantic thing you had ever seen, and your heart shrieked and burped for Rob.

Then a truly magical thing happened: Rob had his friend Edgard climb out of the wreckage of your blown-up car holding a beautiful engagement ring. “Rob wants to marry you,” said Edgard, and he held the engagement ring really close to your eyes. It smelled like vinegar. “I dipped the ring in vinegar,” Rob announced to the whole restaurant, and everyone applauded.

Do you remember what happened after that?

Okay, let’s try again. It has all happened again: Rob took you to the love restaurant; he blew up your car; Edgard showed you the ring and told you that Rob wanted to marry you. The ring smelled like vinegar.

What did you say?

Yes! You agreed to marry Rob! “That’s great news, raw dog,” said Rob. “We’ll get married in exactly 10 years. Do not speak to me until then.” And then Rob left the restaurant.

That was 10 years ago today, and now…it’s finally time to marry Rob! Your wedding is in 10 minutes at OfficeMax. Before you go, you will have to pick out something to wear to your wedding. What would you like to wear?

Beautiful. Here is a picture of you wearing your Gender-Neutral Wedding Suit. You look ready for love.

Here you are at the only OfficeMax in the city. There used to be a second OfficeMax, but it got shut down for selling paper, which is one of the main ingredients in pornography.

You are inside OfficeMax and it smells wonderful. You’ve always heard that OfficeMax smells like a flower, and now you know that the rumors are true.

All your friends and family are here to celebrate your joyous wedding to Rob.

The first thing you’ll need to do is go to your Wife Nest, which is a special dressing room for the bride, to get ready for the wedding.

On your way to your Wife Nest, you run into Rob’s best man, Morris. Morris also sells ice-cold vinegar out of his car door-to-door and he met Rob at the International Vinegar Salesmen Shirtless Bible Study, which is where the millions of vinegar salesmen from all over the world get together at Stonehenge to take off their shirts and read the Bible to each other.

“I have a confession to make to you,” says Morris. “I am in love with you. I have been in love with you since the day that Rob whispered a description of what you looked like to me during International Vinegar Salesmen Shirtless Bible Study.”

“Please listen! Why don’t you leave Rob and marry me instead? I will make you so happy. I will take you to a cave that has a leather jacket in it.”

You decide to leave Rob and give your heart to Morris. He takes you to the mouth of a cave. “Hey, is there a leather jacket in there?” Morris screams into the cave.

“Yeah! There’s a leather jacket in here! I’m standing on it!” a man’s voice calls out from deep inside the cave.

Wow! You got to see a cave that had a leather jacket inside of it! You didn’t marry Rob, but you did get to marry Morris, who is worse.

The End

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You retreat to your Wife Nest. This is where the person who is waiting to marry Rob gets ready for the ceremony and waits for the wedding to start. The first thing that you will have to do is meet your maid of honor. The maid of honor is a fanatical priestess who devotes her life to making sure the bride does not get eaten by animals during the wedding.

Okay, you have declined your legal right to a maid of honor.

Looks like there’s nothing left to do but go out and marry Rob!

The second you step out of the Wife Nest you are eaten by many animals. Normally, a maid of honor could have made sure that you didn’t get eaten by animals, but since you don’t have one, there’s gorgeous wildlife from all over the world just chowing down on your meat and your hair. In your final moments, you call 911 and tell them that you’re getting eaten by animals. “Thanks so much for calling 911,” says the police dispatcher as a zebra slurps one of your legs into his mouth like spaghetti. “It really means a lot that you would think of us during your emergency.”

The animals devour you, and you don’t get to marry Rob.

The End

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Here is your maid of honor. Her name is Denna Lumbarguss. She is your best friend that you have ever seen, and so now she is the main priestess on your wedding day.

“This is such a special day for you. You must be so excited to marry Rob!”

“Well, I just want you to know that I’m going to make sure that no animals eat you during the wedding. I’m going to make it so that years from now, when you look back on your wedding day, the main thing you’ll remember about it is not getting eaten by an animal.”

“You’ll have to excuse me now,” says Denna Lumbarguss. “I need to go into the OfficeMax and kill all the animals in it before you walk down the aisle.” She leaves the Wife Nest.

All right, you’ve met the maid of honor. It is almost time for the wedding to begin. The last thing that you need to do before the wedding can begin is to call up the mayor of your city in order to let him know that you are about to get married. If the mayor does not know about your wedding in advance, then the wedding will be illegal.

You pick up the phone and call the mayor. “This is the mayor’s office,” says the mayor. “If you are calling to register your wedding with the government, please say ‘yes.’ If you are calling to make fun of how my hands are always visibly soaking wet, please wait for me to put you on speakerphone so that my wife and children can hear your insults and laugh at me too.”

All right. We will try to call the mayor again, and perhaps this time you won’t end up in jail:

You pick up the phone and call the mayor. “This is the mayor’s office,” says the mayor. “If you are calling to register your wedding with the government, please say ‘yes.’ If you are calling to make fun of how my hands are always visibly soaking wet, please wait for me to put you on speakerphone so that my wife and children can hear your insults and laugh at me too.”

“Okay, great. Let me put you on speakerphone and get my wife and kids in here so they can laugh at how wet my hands are also,” says the mayor. “Please hold on for one second.”

The mayor blows a whistle that says “FAMILY” on it, and his wife and children enter the Oval Office, which is where the mayor does all his city business. “My family,” says the mayor, “I have someone on speakerphone who is going to make fun of my wet hands now.”

“Oh, we love to make fun of your wet hands, Papa!” shrieks Arnold the Shrew, one of the mayor’s most loyal sons. The mayor’s wife and children all applaud in agreement.

“Okay, let’s get started,” says the mayor. “Let’s make fun of my wet hands.”

The mayor’s wife and children shriek with delight. “It’s true! His wet hands are ridiculous!” the mayor’s wife, Josephine Birthdaysuit, screeches with wild eyes.

“More insults! There must be more insults for my father’s wet hands!” bellows the mayor’s most honest son, Lumbers T. Gordon.

“Stop it. Stop letting me have it. Stop going no-holds-barred against my wet hands. I command it!”

The mayor’s wife and children are losing their entire brains with insane glee. “What is being said about my husband’s damp-as-the-deep hands is so true and humiliating! This is the best day of my life!” crows the wife of the mayor. She fires a revolver into the ceiling as she screams with delight. She loves when people call up and make fun of how her husband’s hands are very wet.

“Stop making fun of my wet hands,” says the mayor. “If you make fun of my oceanic mitten-stuffers one more time, I’m going to hang up this phone and banish you to a worse city.”

“Don’t listen to him,” yell the mayor’s wife and children. “Just totally fry him alive for his wet hands!”

“HOORAY!” scream all of the mayor’s wives and children in unison. They start high-fiving each other and blowing kisses at the man watching them through the window and giving them a thumbs up. “YOU ROASTED THE MAYOR! YOU ROASTED HIM TO TOAST!”

“That’s it,” says the mayor. “I’ve put up with this long enough. It’s not my fault that my hands are so wet. I hit a Water Priest with my bicycle by accident, and he told me that my hands had to be his wives forever. As soon as he said that, my hands became as wet as the ocean! So stop making fun of my wet, cursed hands! I’m hanging up on you. I never want to talk to you on the phone again. Goodbye.”

The mayor hangs up on you because you roasted him so bad. You didn’t get to register your wedding to Rob with the government, but you will probably be okay. You will probably not get arrested for having an unregistered wedding. The mayor is too busy recovering from getting fully roasted to do anything.

“All right. First of all, congratulations on your marriage happening today. I just have a few quick legal questions. Are you marrying Louis, or are you marrying Rob?”

“Oh, well that’s a relief. You were really roasting the hell out of my wet hands. All right. First of all, congratulations on your marriage happening today. I just have a few quick legal questions. Are you marrying Louis, or are you marrying Rob?”

“All right, so you’re marrying Louis. That’s very exciting for you,” says the mayor. “Your marriage to Louis is now officially registered with the government. In order to legally record your upcoming nuptials, a statue of you kissing Louis will now be dropped on top of me, which will kill me. In this way, everyone will know that you are married to Louis. Goodbye.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t listen to you right now,” says the mayor. “I need to go get crushed to death by a statue of you kissing Louis. Congratulations on your wedding to Louis. I’m going to hang up on you now.”

The mayor hangs up. For some reason you told him you were marrying Louis instead of Rob. This was incorrect, and it’s unclear why you did that.

Suddenly you hear someone knocking on the door of your Wife Nest.

You open the door. It’s Louis.

“The government sent me here to marry you,” says Louis.

You marry Louis by government mandate. At the wedding, Louis reads his own vows. Here is a transcript of what he says to you as you stand at the altar in front of your friends and family on the day that the two of you wed:

“Konnichiwa, buckaroo. I don’t know who you are. I am Louis. I love you. I will love you forever. However, if you ever turned into a giant bug like in that ass-backwards book from olden times, I would have no choice but to kill you big time.”

It’s the most beautiful speech you’ve ever heard and you decide that Louis is probably fine, even though he isn’t Rob. You get married and spend the rest of your lives together, which is about six days because during your honeymoon to the Korean Demilitarized Zone, the sound of an exploding land mine causes you both to panic and run shrieking into the ocean. You never resurface.

The End

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“Sorry, buckaroo,” says Louis, “but as it says here on this official government mandate, we are legally required to wed. So, I guess you’ve got to marry me.”

Well, you refused to marry Louis, and so now you have to go to jail for disobeying a government mandate. Your cellmate is a man who is in prison because the government told him to marry a sponge.

“It was a good sponge,” he says to you as you rot away in your prison cell together. “I just wasn’t in LOVE with it, you know?” You nod. You understand what it is like to think a sponge is a good sponge without necessarily wanting to marry the sponge and spend the rest of your life having sex with it. Love is complicated.

You are sentenced to 90 billion years in prison, and when you get out, you have nothing to do because everyone died when the sun exploded. You die of boredom, and you didn’t get to marry Rob.

The End

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“Okay, I understand that you’re marrying Rob. My next question is, after you marry Rob, are you going to SMELL him or are you going to KILL him?”

“Ah, I understand,” says the mayor. “It sounds like you are going to MARRY Rob and then KILL Rob. This is very good. Was it not Shakespeare himself who wrote,

‘It’s wonderful to kill your husband, because then you can swing his dead body around and bang it loudly on the hood of your neighbor’s car in the middle of the night so that your neighbor can never go to sleep. This will cause your neighbor to become insane, and when he runs screaming into the woods, you can go inside his house and watch his TV’.”

“Okay, very good,” says the mayor. “It sounds like you are going to MARRY Rob and then SMELL Rob. That sounds romantic. Was it not Shakespeare himself who wrote,

‘It’s good to smell your husband every day, because then you will become familiar with his smell, and if your husband gets lost at the Gap, you can tell the lady at the Gap, “He smells like mice and salad,” and the lady at the Gap can say, “Everyone sniff around for mice and salad,” and everyone will start smelling around the Gap for your husband, waving their noses around desperately, and they will find your husband, based on your description of his smell, tangled among the types of button-down shirts that boys buy the day before their cousin’s wedding because they realized at the last second that they don’t have any nice shirts.’”

“Wonderful,” says the mayor. “I hereby approve your marriage to Rob. In order to officially register this with the government, a gigantic boulder that says you married Rob on it will now be dropped on top of me, which will kill me. In this way, everyone will know that you are married to Rob.”

An official government boulder recording your marriage to Rob falls from the sky and lands on the mayor. He is now dead.

The mayor dies and then hangs up the phone. Your marriage to Rob is now legal, and so now you won’t go to jail if you see him naked.

Suddenly, the door to your Wife Nest opens and Rob’s parents walk in.

“We’ve come to tell you that it’s time to walk down the aisle to marry our wonderful son: the one you do not deserve,” says Rob’s mom.

“Rob has a time-share in North Carolina. It’s not near the ocean. It’s near the airport. You are not a good enough person to enjoy our son’s time-share. Now get out there and marry him against our wishes.”

In order to impress Rob’s parents, you open the window of the OfficeMax, find an endangered elephant walking around in the parking lot, and shoot it with your musket.

“I’m done for!” cries the elephant as the bullet lodges itself in his endangered liver. The elephant sinks to the ground. “Tell…my wife…I’m huge…” the elephant gasps. It utters a Mortality Burp and then dies.

“This is very unimpressive,” says Rob’s mom. “So you killed one animal. Big deal. Killing animals is extremely easy. I’ve bitten the heads off of 200 mice since I walked in here.”

“Not bad, but you’re still not good enough for our son,” says Rob’s dad. “But you know what would be really impressive? Is if you got that elephant’s tusks and let me have them for my face.”

You pull the tusks off of the elephant you just killed and attach them to Rob’s dad using surgery. “Yes. I am finally beautiful,” says Rob’s dad. “I can’t wait to get home and rub sunscreen all over my brand-new tusks.”

Before Rob’s dad can answer, he is spotted by the OfficeMax Wilderness Death Brigade, the ruthless band of poachers who drive in circles around the OfficeMax parking lot looking for ivory. They see the beautiful tusks jutting out of his head and they start cheering about it. “There is the ivory we crave!” yell the poachers. They all point their harpoon guns at Rob’s dad.

“No! Do not kill me! I need to stay alive so that I can rub sunscreen on my tusks!”

“We don’t care! We love ivory too much!” yell the members of the OfficeMax Wilderness Death Brigade. They shoot Rob’s dad with 10 harpoons and then blow him up with dynamite. Then they harvest his tusks.

Since Rob’s dad is dead now, your wedding is canceled so that Rob can be buried alive with his father’s corpse, which is the polite thing to do. You didn’t get to marry Rob, but at least you got to see a real harpoon gun up close, which is pretty cool.

The End

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“Thank you! We won these harpoons in an Ivory Loving contest. We loved ivory the most, so the EPA gave us these harpoons to go poach animals with tusks!” yell the members of the OfficeMax Wilderness Death Brigade. They shoot Rob’s dad with 10 harpoons and then blow him up with dynamite. Then they harvest his tusks.

Since Rob’s dad is dead now, your wedding is canceled so that Rob can be buried alive with his father’s corpse, which is the polite thing to do. You didn’t get to marry Rob, but at least you got to see a real harpoon gun up close, which is pretty cool.

The End

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You step out of your Wife Nest and into the Marital Kingdom of OfficeMax. All of your wedding guests turn to look at you.

The wedding band starts playing the beautiful song “The Unstoppable March Of The Bride.” This is the traditional song for when the wife enters during a wedding ceremony.

The orchestra is playing a beautiful rendition of “The Unstoppable March Of The Bride.” As the musicians play, they scream the words of the song over the sound of their instruments:

“The Bride is on the loose!
She’s marching toward the groom!
No weapons can kill her!
No gods can destroy her!
Hide all of your groceries!
Lock your groceries in a safe,
Because if the Bride finds your groceries
As she marches toward her groom,
She will grab your groceries and dump them all over the floor
Just to ruin your life!
The Bride is on the loose!
No groceries are safe
As she marches toward her groom!
Her approach is as horrifying and inevitable
As Death!”

You begin your march down the aisle. As you walk past the wedding guests, they will reach into your pockets and ruffle around for mints and batteries, as is tradition.

Incredible. You have gone against tradition. Instead of filling your pockets with mints and batteries, you have filled them with the exact opposite: crickets and dominoes.

Your pockets are bulging. The crickets are definitely trying to kiss the dominoes. It is now time to march down the aisle to marry Rob.

You begin walking down the aisle. As you walk by all your guests, they stick their hands into your pockets and begin ruffling around. “Now let’s get our hands on those mints and batteries that we so dearly crave,” the guests say as they reach into your bridal pockets. “I need to have mints and batteries,” says your childhood dentist as she reaches into your pockets.

“Ah, at last…surrender the bounty of your pockets to me,” says your mom as she shoves both her hands into your pockets. “I’m going to sell these mints and batteries on Craigslist for $60.”

Every guest is eagerly rooting around in your pockets as you walk past, looking for the traditional mints and batteries so that they can have them or sell them for a profit on Craigslist. This is one of the oldest and most sacred wedding traditions in the world.

“Wait a minute…it’s all crickets and dominoes!” screams one of your aunts.

“I didn’t want this! I wanted mints and batteries! This is HORRIBLE!” shrieks your grandfather, who bravely switched sides 30 times during the Battle of Stalingrad. He dies of a broken heart right there in his seat.

“The crickets are kissing the dominoes, which I LOVE, but I’m eating the crickets and they don’t taste like mints, which I HATE!” bellows your cousin, Smooth Rojas, who is a professor of Bitter Flavors at MIT.

All of your wedding guests are furious. Everyone starts booing you as you walk down the aisle. They pelt you with the mints and batteries they brought from home because you didn’t have any mints and batteries in your pockets for them to steal.

Suddenly, in the midst of all the yelling and screaming, the lights in the OfficeMax go out and a puff of red smoke appears in the middle of the room. There is a clap of thunder and the sound of a bat laughing like a zombie (frightening noise).

A sinister figure steps out of the puff of red smoke.

It’s the Devil! Satan from the Bible!

“Hello,” says the Devil. “I was watching your wedding to Rob from Hell, the Realm of the Damned, and I saw you put crickets and dominoes in your pockets instead of mints and batteries. This is the most fucked-up, evil deed that anyone has ever done. Your sin is so wildly messed up that I would like to make you the King of Hell.”

“Too bad!” yells the Devil. “If you didn’t want to be the King of Hell, you shouldn’t have stuffed your pockets with crickets and dominoes. That’s just common sense.”

He runs toward you with his evil claws outstretched.

You try to run away, but the Devil is too fast for you. He catches you and stuffs you into a cardboard box. The Devil borrows a pen from Rob and uses it to write “CONTAINS KING OF HELL. PLEASE DO NOT SHOOT INTO SPACE” on the box. Then he mails the box to Hell.

The postman delivers you to Hell, where you eventually claw your way out of the cardboard box and become the King of the Damned. Even though you didn’t want to be the King of Hell at first, you actually end up having a good time. You torment the damned by slapping them with wet towels and telling them that they look tired all the time. You also whisper the curse word “shit” into the Devil’s ear, which is the most sinister thing you can possibly do.

When you die, you go to Heaven for doing such a good job as the King of Hell.

You failed to marry Rob.

The End

Because of your evil Pocket Trick, the Devil makes you the King of Hell. You spend the rest of your life torturing damned souls and whispering swear words to the Devil, which is the most sinister thing you can possibly do.

When you die, you go to Heaven for doing such a good job as the King of Hell.

You failed to marry Rob.

The End

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As tradition dictates, you fill your pockets with mints and batteries. As you walk down the aisle, all your guests will rifle through your pockets and find these bad boys waiting for them. They’re going to love it!

You begin walking down the aisle. As you walk by all your guests, they stick their hands into your pockets and begin ruffling around. “Now let’s get our hands on those mints and batteries that we so dearly crave,” the guests say as they reach into your bridal pockets. “I need to have mints and batteries,” says your childhood dentist as she reaches into your pockets.

“Ah, at last…surrender the bounty of your pockets to me,” says your mom as she shoves both her hands into your pockets. “I’m going to sell these mints and batteries on Craigslist for $60.”

Every guest is eagerly rooting around in your pockets as you walk past, looking for the traditional mints and batteries so that they can have them or sell them for a profit on Craigslist. This is one of the oldest and most sacred wedding traditions in the world.

As you walk down the aisle, you pass your childhood dentist, Mouth the Dentist. “I’m so proud that you’re finally getting married!” says Mouth the Dentist. ”I remember when you were just a little small child and you would come into my office and you would pay me $90,000 to glue birdseed to your teeth so that pigeons would come live in your mouth. The pigeons turned your mouth into a medical horror show and now your teeth twist around each other like ivory licorice, but it was very cute at the time.”

Mouth the Dentist sticks her hands into your bridal pockets.

“And now I will get my hands on your mints and batteries,” she says. She pulls out a fistful of mints mixed with batteries.

“Wonderful,” says Mouth the Dentist. “I have got the sweet bounty. I am going to put these mints and batteries into a basket and then flip off the basket using my incredible middle finger.”

You continue marching down the aisle, smiling as everyone reaches into your pockets and pulls out the batteries and mints they crave. You walk past your grandfather, who fought in World War II and bravely switched sides 30 times during the Battle of Stalingrad.

“I am so happy that I lived to see you marry Rob,” says your grandfather. “Many times, I would go to the doctor and he would put his stethoscope on my head and he would say, ‘Well, old man, it seems that it is time for your brain to turn into oatmeal,’ and I would say, ‘No. My brain cannot turn into oatmeal yet. I need to live to see my grandchild marry Rob.’ And then the doctor would say, ‘Okay, but as soon as that happens, promise me that your brain will turn into oatmeal.’ And I promised him. So the second the clock strikes midnight, my brain needs to turn into major-league porridge.”

“And now, let me get my hands on the treasure of mints and batteries,” says your grandfather. He reaches into your pockets.

“Ah! How glamorous!” says your grandpa, as he pulls out a fistful of mints and batteries all just mixed up together. “I’m going to pay a scientist $600 to bring these mints and batteries to life so that they can fight each other, and kill each other!”

You continue marching down the aisle. The music swells. Your friends and family steal mints and batteries from your pockets. You are the Bride on the Horrible March. You are the Wife on Parade. Several wild animals, including an endangered Bengal tiger and a python, try to devour you, but your made of honor, Denna Lumbarguss, kills them by driving into the wedding in a glamorous stretch limousine and running them over.

You make your way down the aisle until, finally, you arrive at Rob.

Finally, you make it all the way down the aisle and arrive at the altar, where Rob is waiting to marry you. “Aloha, raw dog,” Rob says to you.

You smile at Rob. He points at your teeth.

“It’s your teeth,” says Rob.

“Please do not wink at me, raw dog,” says Rob. “When I cannot see both of your eyes, I am worried that the eye I cannot see is going to sneak up on me from behind and steal my necklace.”

As a sign of your everlasting love, you give Rob a dollar.

“Sweet deal, raw dog!” says Rob as he takes the dollar. “This is the perfect gift because the vending machine at the airport sells bottles of seltzer for exactly $1.”

“In most vending machines, bottles of seltzer are at least $1.50,” Rob says, “but in the vending machine at the airport, they’re just a dollar. It’s amazing. I’m going to go get one now.”

Rob puts the dollar in his pocket, walks down the aisle, and exits the OfficeMax, leaving you stranded at the altar.

Rob leaves your wedding and walks all the way to the airport, where he uses the dollar you gave him to buy a bottle of seltzer from the vending machine. He drinks the seltzer without stopping to breathe and then walks onto an airplane whose destination says “Singles Cruise” on it. The airplane lands on a boat in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, where Rob meets plenty of hot single people who want to hear all about the cheap seltzer he drank at the airport. He never returns to dry land.

You failed to marry Rob.

The End

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A hush falls over the crowd, and the priest takes his place at the altar. He speaks:

“Hello, everyone. I am the priest. I was built out of metal by an ancient race of rat-like space travelers who briefly stopped on Earth 900 million years ago as a pit stop on their journey to send a spaceship containing their entire civilization into the sun. Today is a celebration of love. We are here to witness the wedding between Rob and his unworthy wife.”

“I understand that Rob has written his own vows,” says the priest. “Rob, please read your vows.”

Rob clears his throat and begins to read his vows:

“Konnichiwa, raw dog. I love you, and I promise that I will never tie you to the train tracks and twirl my mustache maniacally while a train runs you over. On the way here I saw two foxes doing it in a moving car. The foxes were in the driver’s seat, and there was nobody else in the car. I believe the foxes were propelling the car through the sheer power of their beastly lovemaking. Amen.”

Rob’s vows are completed. Everyone in OfficeMax erupts into emotional cheers.

“Nobody is good enough for my son!” yells Rob’s mom.

“I deserve to surrender my lungs to a jellyfish because I’m not related to Rob!” yells your entire family in unison.

“In my 900 million years of life, I have never heard anything more beautiful,” says the priest. He turns to you. “If you are ready to continue, please say, ‘I am ready to continue.’”

“Okay,” says the priest. “It seems that Rob’s bride is not ready to continue the ceremony. We will wait until I receive confirmation that it is time to continue.”

“Rob’s less-than-stellar bride is continuing to hold things up,” the priest announces to the wedding guests.

“Rob would never make us wait for ANYTHING!” shouts your brother.

“Why can’t you be more like Rob?” asks Rob.

“One time, after I had been abandoned by my ancient, rat-faced creators, I wandered into a cave where I waited for 60 million years for the ice age to end,” says the priest. “These past few minutes feel longer than those countless eons I spent in the cave doing nothing.”

“Enough of this,” says the priest. “By my authority as an ancient, deathless automaton and God’s representative on Earth, I hereby cancel this wedding. Who here wants to spend eternity with me floating through space with no destination and no hope of rescue?”

Everyone in the OfficeMax stands up and cheers.

You stalled for too long and everyone at your wedding got bored. They all climb into a spaceship with your deathless metal priest and drift aimlessly through outer space until the end of time.

With nothing else to do, Rob walks out of OfficeMax and goes to sleep outside on the sidewalk. He is arrested for loitering and sent to jail for life. You never see him again.

You got so close, but in the end, you failed to marry Rob.

The End

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The priest turns to you. “It seems that Rob’s bride could not be bothered to write vows, so we will use the pre-written vows from the Bible. Let’s begin:

“Do you solemnly swear to love Rob all of the time, and to never go to sleep?”

“And do you swear that if Rob ever begins squirting sweet red juice out of his mouth into a jar and wakes you up in the middle of the night and shows you the jar and says, ‘This is my nectar,’ you will immediately smile at Rob’s nectar and protect Rob’s nectar from warthogs?”

“And do you swear that if Rob finally drinks his own nectar and dies, you will cover Rob’s body with napkins so that the warthogs can’t find him and drag his corpse into the pond for the fish to lay their eggs inside of?”

“The vows are now complete,” says the priest. “It is my great honor to now pronounce you Bride and Rob. You may kiss Rob on the wrist now.”

You kiss Rob on the wrist. Rob kisses you on the wrist. “You are now married,” says the priest. “My function is completed.” The priest self-destructs.

For your honeymoon, you and Rob go to Raleigh-Durham International Airport. You use a Wi-Fi hotspot to look up the difference between white eggs and brown eggs, and then you go home. It’s voted “Most Romantic Honeymoon” in that month’s issue of Marriage Digest. You spend a happy, loving life with Rob until you both die 12 weeks later when the Earth abruptly blinks out of existence.

Congratulations! You married Rob!

The End

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Everyone in OfficeMax gasps. “Well, it’s your loss, raw dog,” says Rob. He shrugs and walks out of the OfficeMax.

Rob leaves the OfficeMax, and you follow him. He walks all the way to the harbor. He steps into the ocean until he is entirely submerged. Suddenly, the seawater begins to bubble furiously…

Rob quietly and politely erupts out of the ocean. He is now enormous. He is the size of a skyscraper’s cousin. He blocks out the sun. “Since I’m now single again, I’ve decided to focus on my main passion: becoming extremely big, standing in the ocean, and blocking out the sun.” Rob says. “You see, raw dog, becoming extremely big, standing in the ocean, and blocking out the sun was always my first love, but I gave it up so that I could marry you. Now that our wedding is kaput, I’m going back to perfecting my craft.”

Rob stands in the ocean in a huge kind of way. You realize, too late, that you love him more now than you ever did. But you can never have him back. He belongs to the ocean now.

The End

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“Wait! I love you! Marry me instead of Rob!” calls Morris as you walk past him. You are too focused on getting ready to marry Rob to listen to Morris right now.

You retreat to your Wife Nest. This is where the person who is waiting to marry Rob gets ready for the ceremony and waits for the wedding to start. The first thing that you will have to do is meet your maid of honor. The maid of honor is a fanatical priestess who devotes her life to making sure the bride does not get eaten by animals during the wedding.

You‘ve made the wise choice not to see Rob before the wedding. You take a deep whiff of the OfficeMax. OfficeMax smells like honey and seltzer mixed together, and it is making your throat dance with joy.

It is now time for you to go to your Wife Nest, which is a dressing room for the bride, to get ready for the wedding.

Whoa! Watch out! It’s considered very bad luck to look at the groom before a wedding. There’s an old wedding rhyme that goes like this:

“If you gaze upon your groom
Before the nuptial hour has arrived
Then you will suffer a curse
Where a soldier with very small eyes
Will appear in your doorway
And your groom will marry the soldier with the tiny eyes
Instead of you,
And you’re going to look like an idiot.”

This is a very famous rhyme. Are you sure you want to proceed?

“You blew it, raw dog,” says Rob when you enter his Bachelor’s Nest to lay your eyes on his majesty. “Don’t you know the old rhyme about looking at the groom before the wedding? Now a soldier with tiny eyes is going to come and marry me.”

Suddenly, there is a knock at the door, and a soldier with tiny eyes enters Rob’s Bachelor Nest. “I fought in World War II and the Iraq War,” says the soldier with tiny eyes. “My eyes are the size of raisins, and that’s good.”

“You see?” says Rob. “Now I have to fall in love with the soldier with tiny eyes. I love him because his eyes are very small and he smells like a new car. His eyes look like someone used a safety pin to poke two very tiny holes in God’s bathing suit to reveal a very small glimpse of the cosmic beauty that God hides in His crotch. I’m going to marry this small-peepered killing machine and then spend the rest of my life kissing him in the husband kind of way.”

Rob and the soldier with tiny eyes get married, just like the famous rhyme warned you they would.

You return to your home, alone and without Rob. You looked at him too early, and so he had to be wildly in love with the soldier with tiny eyes instead of you. You spend the rest of your noisy life all alone, thinking about what could have been. Many years go by. One day, you hear a knock at the door.

“Hello, I am the biological son of Rob and the soldier with tiny eyes,” says the man on your porch when you open the door. “I just wanted to stop by your house and tell you that my parents have loud, passionate sex many times every single day. They just completely dive into each other over and over again. They are so in love, even after many years of marriage. Anyway, goodbye.”

The son of Rob and the soldier with tiny eyes walks into the street, where he is run over and killed by a pickup truck carrying Rob and the soldier with tiny eyes having sex with each other. “The truck has run over our son,” says the soldier with tiny eyes as he continues to make love to Rob. “I thought I told you never to tell me any news unless it was about video games,” Rob says angrily as he continues to make love to his small-eyed husband.

The pickup truck speeds away and you are left alone and forlorn. You almost married Rob, but instead you messed up and spent your life jealous and alone.

The End

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You put on the Woman’s Wedding Suit that has been in your family for generations. Your mother wore it when she got divorced from your father and married a cricket she found in a box of Special K. Now you are wearing it for your very own wedding day. You are a blushing bride.

You put on your Man’s Wedding Suit. It has been in your family for generations. Your father got married to his father in it, and your father’s father got married to his father in it. Now you will wear it to marry Rob.

Oh no! You said no to Rob’s proposal! “Your loss, raw dog,” Rob said to you, and he walked out of the restaurant.

Rob disappeared and you never saw him again. You went home and sat on your couch forever. You tried to become in love with other people, but Rob had made the rest of the human race appear repulsive by comparison.

Many years later, you hear a knock on your door.

You open the door. It’s Rob’s parents.

“We just wanted to let you know our son, Rob, is doing fine without you,” they say. “The day after you dumped him, he married a beautiful thing called an All-Terrain Vehicle, or ATV. They had sex and Rob got pregnant. Their children are lizards and they ate Rob. The ATV died of old age and it got to be buried in the Great Pyramid of Giza, with the big fat pharaohs. It was a wonderful life of love and happiness, and it could have been yours. You just completely blew it with our son, Rob. Have a nice, horrible life until you die.”

Rob’s parents leave and you spend the rest of your life feeling bad. Then you die. You should have married Rob!

The End

Please, you love Rob. You have Rob fever.

Believe it. Rob is the King of Your Heart. When Rob walks into a room, your heart turns into an angel’s eyeball and your groin does a poem.


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