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It’s Halloween! Can You Trick-Or-Treat Your Way To A Massive Candy Haul?

It’s a crisp autumn night, with only the slightest hint of chill in the air. Perfect weather for your favorite thing in the world: trick-or-treating!

That’s right! Today is October 31, which means it’s time to celebrate Halloween and go out hunting for the mouth pleasures known as candy. Are you ready to hit the streets and load up your bucket?

This is what it’s all about. The crystallized fantasies known as candy, those sugary catastrophes that your tongue lusts for. Normally, your parents don’t let you eat too much candy, but on Halloween you can swallow all the sweet filth you want!

However, to go trick-or-treating, you’re going to need a costume. What do you want to dress up as?

You threw together a last-minute costume using whatever you could find in your closet, and now you’re a garbage vampire. The plastic fangs look totally fake, and for some reason there’s a knife in your head. Also, apparently Dracula has black eyes now. Every second you wear this awful costume you’re continually pissing on Bram Stoker’s grave.

However, it’s technically a Halloween costume and will be good enough for trick-or-treating.

You dress up as a sexy half-naked worm vixen, ready to writhe seductively and bare your taut skin in the frigid air.

This is hardly even a costume. It’s more like a stripper outfit. You’re way too young to dress up in something this erotic, and everyone will feel weird and uncomfortable looking at you.

You dress up as the man who shook his fist at the sky and as punishment was cursed to forever hold up Earth. The businessman suit looks completely convincing, and the papier-mâché globe and deity hand you built look amazing. Everyone will be terrified when they see this spooktacular costume!

You dress up as the terrifying Woman With Personal Problems, who tries her best but has challenges in her life with no easy answers. She doesn’t know what to do and feels trapped. This spine-chilling costume will creep everyone out!

To go trick-or-treating, you’re going to need a costume. What do you want to dress up as?

“Not so fast, champ,” says your dad. “Before you go out trick-or-treating, we have to tell you some Halloween safety rules. Taking candy from strangers is a great idea, and we encourage it, but not all strangers can be trusted.”

Your mom nods in agreement.

“That’s right,” she says. “Halloween is a fun holiday, but there are bad folks out there who want to spoil your fun.”

Your dad sighs. “Well, it’s a bit complicated, kiddo. Some people are just broken inside, and they feel pain all the time because of it. They lash out at the world so that other people will also hurt and understand what they’re going through.”

Your parents stand up and begin shouting in unison.

THE RULES OF HALLOWEEN:

Rule 1: Do not eat unwrapped candy out of a man’s hand, for he has surely poisoned it.

Rule 2: Beware the razor blade, the face knife that is not candy. If someone tries to feed you a razor blade, ask for candy instead.

Rule 3: The most important rule. Candy is essential, and you must do whatever it takes to obtain it. Should a homeowner refuse your request for candy, employ the foul stratagem known as a ‘trick.’ Do whatever mischief is required to get the creamy pastes and brittle crystals your tongue lusts for.”

“Also, you’re too young to go trick-or-treating by yourself. Ask your big sister to go with you.”

“Forget it, twerp,” says your big sister. “Trick-or-treating is for babies. I’m not going trick-or-treating with you.”

“Hey, sport, I notice you’re sneaking out the front door to trick-or-treat alone and disobeying our direct order,” says your dad. “This is a wonderful Halloween trick, and we’re very proud of you.”

“Yes, ignoring your parents is a classic trick,” says your mom. “Have fun out there, and fill your bucket with a candy apocalypse!”

You walk down the street until you find a house, a type of building used to hold candy. The usual Halloween protocol is to knock on the door and then chant the Trick-or-Treater’s Threat.

A man answers the door.

“How cute, a costumed young person!” he says. “Unfortunately, I do not have any candy to give you. I truly wish that I had delicious candy in my pantry that I could share with you, but alas, I do not. I suppose you should probably go try another house.”

You’re not going to let him get away with not giving you candy. What trick do you want to pull?

The man grabs some candy out of his pocket and presents it to you.

“Okay, I was lying about not having candy! Take these colorful disasters and leave me in peace!”

Well done! You’ve scored your first candy of the night. It’s not much, but it’s a good start.

The next house down the block has some gourds outside, a very promising sign. Gourds are the official Halloween fruit people carve scowls into to show that they are on board with the holiday. Whoever lives here must be nuts about Halloween and probably has tons of candy to give out.

The door swings open, and you’re greeted by a crowd of people who like Halloween too much. They have transformed their entire house into a wreck of fake cobwebs and eerie fog.

“You are our first trick-or-treater,” they tell you. “We have lots of candy for you, but first you have to brave our spooky surprises!”

“That is wonderful Halloween news! We love being tricked and having bad things happen to us. Please do your worst trick.”

You aren’t sure if tricks work against people who enjoy tricks. Maybe looking at their spooky surprises would give you a better chance of getting candy.

You use the famous trick of throwing paper onto a tree. The Halloween fans applaud and cheer while you ruin their yard with your mischievous bathroom product.

You douse the structure with gasoline, strike a match, and use the famous trick of setting fire to their house. The Halloween fans clap and cheer as you reduce everything they own to ashes.

“Thank you for unleashing that horrible trick on us! You have caused us intense problems. This is the best Halloween ever!”

Oh no, they don’t seem scared at all. They’re happy you played a trick on them!

“No. We are Halloween purists and believe very strongly in the principle of trick-OR-treat, not trick-AND-treat. Now that you’ve tricked us, you can’t have candy.”

“Please leave.”

Damn it, looks like you screwed up. There’s nothing else to do but go to another house and start fresh. It’s the last house on your block, so try not to mess it up this time.

You bravely walk into the October night, empty bucket clutched in your hand. Where do you want to go trick-or-treating?

You decide to go trick-or-treating at a candy store in hopes that they have candy there. It looks like your bet paid off big time: There are heaps of confectioner’s madness everywhere you look. Chewballs! Choco-funk! Red mush! They have all your favorites!

“Hold your horses there, young fella,” says the owner of the candy store. “Before you eat any candy, you have to purchase it with money.”

“Sorry, I can’t just give away candy. But tell ya what, how about you drop out of school and come work for me in my shop, and I’ll pay you in candy? You can have all the sweets you can eat!”

You spend the next 15 years as an employee of the candy shop, ringing up customers and restocking shelves. It’s hard work, but it’s satisfying when you help a shopper find the perfect treat to eat or to give as a gift. True to his word, the candy store owner lets you snack on as much candy as you want, and you always feel sick and happy.

Then, one day, the candy store owner calls you over and asks you to sit down. He seems to have something troubling him.

“Bad news: I’m dying,” he says gravely. “I’m old and it’s my time to go. Thank you for your loyal service all these years. As a token of my gratitude, I’m leaving you the candy store in my will.”

He wipes away a tear.

“I know you’re just the child I paid candy to work in my store, but I’ve come to think of you as my own child.”

After the funeral, you return to the shop feeling sad but hopeful. This is your store now, your dream come true. You get to be surrounded by candy all day, every day. What more could you ask for?

The bell on the front door jangles to alert you to a new customer entering the shop. You compose yourself and put a friendly smile on your face. It’s hard to act happy right now, but it’s what the candy store owner would have wanted.

“This is the police,” says the policeman. “We have received reports that this store hired an underage child and also only paid them in candy, both of which are very illegal. I have a warrant to arrest the owner of this shop. You are under arrest.”

You are now doomed to spend the rest of your life in jail, a place with very little candy! At least you managed to eat lots of candy before your arrest, but it probably would have made more sense to just go trick-or-treating.

You take out an egg and show it to the man, who flinches in terror.

“Please, don’t crush the egg,” he pleads. “Eggs belong as foods, not tricks. I swear that I have no candy to give you!”

You crush the egg in your fist, sending goopy yellow yolk running down your arm and splattering all over your costume. The man screams until he runs out of breath and then grovels at your feet begging for mercy.

You take out a photo of a sunburn and show it to the man, who flinches in terror.

“Please, don’t bring that photo any closer,” he pleads. “Sunburns are not my favorite. I swear that I have no candy to give you!”

You bring the photo really close to show off how grisly and ghoulish the sunburn is. The man screams until he runs out of breath and then grovels at your feet begging for mercy.

“I think I’m just broken inside,” says the man glumly. “I wanted to deny you happiness because I have trouble feeling happy.”

“Thank you, that means a lot,” he says. “It’s good knowing I have a friend.”

Great job! You not only got some candy, you made a new friend!

“Oh yeah?” Your sister gets a devilish gleam in her eye. “I bet you wouldn’t even want to go out trick-or-treating tonight if you knew the story of Innocent Steve.”

“One hundred years ago, on this very night, our town executed Innocent Steve for having committed suspiciously few crimes,” says your sister.

“He was an extremely polite man, and he also built this town’s sanitation system, and, eerily, he never hurt anyone. The townsfolk became afraid of how innocent he was and hanged him alive and also burnt him at the stake.”

“With his dying breath, Innocent Steve vowed revenge against the town,” your sister cackles evilly. “He swore to come back from the grave in exactly 100 years, which happens to be today, and claim the souls of the town’s children!”

“Now do you still want to go trick-or-treating even though Innocent Steve might be out there?”

“Do whatever you want, but leave me out of it,” she says. “I’ve got plans tonight with other cool teens to go drink coffee at the cemetery. That’s how adults celebrate Halloween.”

Wow, what a waste of a Halloween. Instead of going out to get candy, you spend all night hiding in your bed reading books. Just pathetic.

You decide to go trick-or-treating at some dude’s van, which is parked in the forest near the highway.

The van’s door slides open and some dude climbs out.

“Hello! Welcome to my van, which is my home,” he says. He then glances at your costume and nods thoughtfully. “Is it Halloween already? I noticed the trees were changing color, and that usually happens around Halloween.”

“I did some bad things because I’m just broken inside,” explains the man. “As punishment, the government said I can’t live inside towns anymore.”

“Why of course! I have some candy triangles right here, unwrapped for your convenience,” says the man eagerly. “Eat all the triangles you want! Eat!”

You greedily gobble down handfuls of triangles, savoring the succulent waxen flavor.

“I have some bad news for you,” says the man.

“I poisoned the candy you just ate,” he says. “You’ve been poisoned.”

You run home while sobbing miserably, blubbering about all the poison you ate. This is the worst Halloween ever!

Your parents notice you walk in and call you over.

“Looks like you’ve been poisoned,” says your dad. “You didn’t listen to us, and now you’re full of poison.”

Your mom nods. “We’re very disappointed in you.”

On Monday, you go back to school, where the other kids talk about all the fun they had on Halloween. You keep silent, upset that everyone else had a great time while you just got poisoned.

Suddenly, you feel someone tapping on your shoulder.

It’s the girl who sits behind you. “Hey, just thought you should know that everyone thinks it’s super uncool to get poisoned. Nobody likes you anymore.”

You spend the rest of your childhood being called the Poisoned Kid and become a friendless loser. Nobody at school even bullies you. They just don’t care about you at all.

You decide to go trick-or-treating at the old abandoned mine. It was shut down after all those workers vanished mysteriously and nobody has been here in decades. It must have candy hidden somewhere.

Hello? Anyone here? I am looking for candy,” echoes back out of the mine.

No candy over here.

No candy here either. This is starting to seem like a waste of time.

Well, this turned out to be a huge bust. You didn’t find a single scrap of candy anywhere in the mine. It almost feels as though all the skulls and corpses are laughing at you.

You bravely walk into the October night, empty bucket clutched in your hand. Where do you want to go trick-or-treating?

You return to the old abandoned mine. It was shut down after all those workers vanished mysteriously and nobody besides you has been here in decades. It must have candy hidden somewhere.

Enter,” echoes back out of the mine.

The mine has been transformed into a fearsome cavern of jagged rock and spouting flame. Standing in the center of the inferno is a horned creature with leathery red skin.

You have done well in finding me,” says the creature. “I am Satan, God’s worst baby. Ask for your greatest desire, and it will be granted at the mere cost of your soul.”

Granted,” says Satan. The cavern seems to spin as you grow dizzy, and then you black out. You awake in your bed at home, your room filled with every type of candy you could possibly want. When you eat it all, trucks immediately deliver more glittering sweets free of charge, and keep doing so for the rest of your life. You never need to go trick-or-treating again.

Congratulations, you have obtained infinite candy and had a Halloween to remember!

It was cool to meet you too,” says Satan, and he shakes your hand. “I hope you have a very happy Halloween.”

“Here are human eyeballs, ripped from the heads of dozens of people. Touch them. Feel their wetness.”

“This is Jeff, a very tired werewolf. Lucky for us, he’s in human form right now.”

“Stay back! It is the dreaded Pinch Fish, the clawed monstrosity of the deep.”

“It’s the infamous Cannibal Tree!”

“The Gourd That Dislikes Basketball. According to legend, when he finishes swallowing his ball, every NBA player will turn to stone!”

“Finally, we have the Grand Deceiver. Do not be fooled by her shapely legs! Those who follow her only encounter misfortune.”

“You were so brave! You definitely deserve a reward for looking at all those spooky surprises.”

“Take this invigorating rectangleyou’ve earned it!” they say as they hand you a brown paste.

You can barely believe your eyes. It’s a full, regal rectangle, not the usual “fun size” refuse. This is the happiest moment of your life.

You already have a decent amount of candy, but Halloween isn’t over yet. There’s one more house left on your block, and if you play your cards right, you could score the ultimate haul.

The last house on your block definitely seems in the Halloween spirit. The owners put up a spooky spinning pole outside, and there are severed mannequin heads wearing wigs in the window. Hopefully, they have good candy too.

You enter the house and find a man dressed as a mad scientist. He welcomes you and gestures for you to sit down in a blood-red chair. “How would you like your hair cut?” he asks.

“Sure, I have candy,” he says. “Here you go. This is candy.”

“Sorry about that, my mistake,” he says. “Here, this is definitely candy.”

“I apologize,” he says. “I’m just broken inside and sometimes say things are candy that are not candy. How about this? Is this candy?”

You hungrily pop the razor in your mouth and start chewing, and, sure enough, you cut up your mouth real bad. What did you expect?

You stuff the candy in your bucket and leave. At this point, you have a decent haul of candy and could call it a night. It’s getting close to your bedtime anyway.

Then again, Halloween only comes once a year. Seems a shame to stop celebrating when there are still more scary adventures to be had. You heard that some teens are hanging out in the cemetery tonight, and maybe they’d let you join them.

This is the cemetery, where dead people move after they stop being alive. Even though it looks like a nice park, it’s kind of scary being here. You’ve seen horror movies where dead people just pop out of the ground on their own, and you hope that doesn’t happen in real life.

Rowdy noises are coming from further in the cemetery. Those must be the cool teens you’re looking for.

Whoa, these are some pretty cool teens. You might be out of your league.

“Hey, who let a little kid come here?” asks a girl dressed up as bagpipes.

“Ease off,” says your big sister. “My younger sibling is pretty cool and should be allowed to hang with us.”

“We’re brewing coffee, the sour black liquid that adults go crazy for,” says a cute teen boy. “Dare you to try a cup.”

“Come on, don’t be chicken. Everyone cool likes coffee.”

The coffee tastes bitter and hot, the exact opposite of candy. You immediately feel sick after drinking it. Let’s hope you’re not addicted.

“This kid doesn’t like coffee!” They all laugh at you and make faces mocking what you look like when you aren’t drinking fluids. Maybe coming here was a bad idea.

“Now that we drank coffee, we’re going to tell spooky ghost stories,” they say. “Do you know the tale of Innocent Steve? One hundred years ago, our town put him to death for the crime of nothing. Innocent Steve vowed revenge and swore he’d come back on Halloween night to claim the souls of children.”

“This kid really likes coffee! Nice!” The cool teens all applaud you.

“Now that we drank coffee, we’re going to tell spooky ghost stories,” they say. “Do you know the tale of Innocent Steve? One hundred years ago, our town put him to death for the crime of nothing. Innocent Steve vowed revenge and swore he’d come back on Halloween night to claim the souls of children.”

“Guess what? You just drank coffee on Innocent Steve’s grave.”

There’s a rustling in the brush, and Innocent Steve lunges out. “Hello. I’m Innocent Steve, the nice man who promised murder.” All the teens start screaming in terror.

“Okay, time to get murdering!” shouts Innocent Steve as he begins slowly lumbering toward you. “Revenge is on the agenda.”

You don’t have much time to escape. What do you want to rescue: your candy or your sister?

You grab your sister and try to drag her to safety. Innocent Steve stops chasing you and takes off his mask. Underneath is a cool teen who is laughing uproariously at the prank he played on you.

“Guys, you should have seen your faces!” He bends over chortling, trying to regain his breath. “You were so scared of me holding a knife that I made bloody by stabbing a squirrel. I can’t believe you actually thought Innocent Steve was real!”

You grab your candy bucket and abandon your sister. Innocent Steve stops chasing you and takes off his mask. Underneath is a cool teen who is laughing uproariously at the prank he played on you.

“Guys, you should have seen your faces!” He bends over chortling, trying to regain his breath. “You were so scared of me holding a knife that I made bloody by stabbing a squirrel. I can’t believe you actually thought Innocent Steve was real!”

“Hey, I know that was all fake, but thanks for trying to save me,” says your big sister. You see a newfound respect in her eyes.

“Wow, I can’t believe you abandoned me for candy,” says your big sister. “You are truly an awful person. Like, really awful.”

Congratulations! You managed to trick-or-treat your way to a massive candy haul, but even better, you got on good terms with your sister. Candy comes and goes, but family is forever.

Congratulations! You managed to trick-or-treat your way to a massive candy haul, but unfortunately drove a permanent wedge between you and your sister in the process. She’ll never forgive you for this, and you’ve caused irreparable damage to your relationship forever. Happy Halloween!

Really? You’re just going to head on home? You’re probably too scared to visit the cemetery.

You are a wimp. You go home and hide for the rest of the night, because you are a coward afraid of cemeteries.

All right, it’s not Halloween. It’s Arbor Day. Happy Arbor Day!

“Come on, let’s head home,” says your sister. “You have a lot of candy to eat!”

“Come on, let’s head home,” says your sister. “I want to go to sleep and forget that we’re related.”

Your parents are in the middle of dinner when you get home. They invite you to sit down and dump your loot on the table.

“Welcome home, candy goblin,” says your dad. “Looks like you scored a huge pile!”

“Did you have a nice Halloween?” asks your mom.

Your parents are in the middle of dinner when you get home. They invite you to sit down and dump your loot on the table.

“Welcome home, candy goblin,” says your dad. “Looks like you scored a huge pile!”

“Did you have a nice Halloween?” asks your mom.


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