ClickHole

Hello, You Are The Monkey Detective. Can You Figure Out Which Monkey Stole Your Wine?

Your job is that you have to find the monkeys that do crimes and put them in jail or send them Donkey Heaven, which is hell for monkeys.

A fun bit of trivia about you is that your brain is in your foot. You had doctors put your brain in your foot so that you could get shot in the head without dying.

You have arrested many monkeys for doing crimes. This a villainous monkey named Mr. Slippers. Mr. Slippers committed insider trading on Wall Street, so you tracked him down and threw him in jail for 10,000 monkey years, which is equivalent to 86 billion human years.

This disgusting old pervert is named Mittens Supreme. In 1994 she was convicted of selling a 250-pound cube of cocaine to a human toddler. You used your skills as the Monkey Detective to track her down and put her behind bars for three ape hours, which is equivalent to 90,000 human years.

And this psychotic geezer is named Linus Pucker. Linus Pucker committed two crimes. The first crime was illegally impersonating a cowboy. The second crime was assassinating the Austrian Archduke Franz Ferdinand, which started World War I. You tracked him down by following the clues, and you put him in prison for 45 ape seconds, which is equivalent to three human minutes.

These are just a few of the monkey crimes you have solved during your career as the Monkey Detective. Now it is time to celebrate your success with a big glass of wine.

You keep your wine in the trunk of this car. The car belongs to your neighbor, but he said you could store all your wine in there. He lets you do that because he is in love with you and he thinks that if he lets you hide your wine in his car, you will marry him.

Here is your neighbor’s house. Your neighbor has been in love with you ever since he saw you naked on the cover of Endlessly Naked Detective Magazine. He is sitting on the floor of his house right now, waiting to marry you.

You knock on the door of the house, and your neighbor comes out to greet you. Your neighbor’s name is Sir Laundry Tomorrow-Always, and he is a Knight of the Realm. You hear him being in love with you deep inside of his suit of armor. “Hello. Please have sex with my big honkin’ crotch for 1,000 days and nights,” says Sir Laundry Tomorrow-Always.

“Would you be in love with me if I gave you an extremely old computer?”

“Here is my old computer. It is from 1997.”

You decide to get married to your neighbor. You go down to the lake to see the Love Wizard. “What do you want?” the Love Wizard screams at you.

“Sure, whatever!” the Love Wizard shrieks. “You are married now. Thank you for coming to my lake, and remember my motto: ‘There’s no maximum to the number of people you can be married to!’”

Okay, you’re married to your neighbor now. Better go drink your wine now.

You and your neighbor are married now, but neither of you care about it at all. You return to your neighbor’s car.

Oh no.

Oh shit and hell…

WHERE IS YOUR WINE?

Holy fuck of piss! Some criminal has stolen your wine! Where is your incredible wine? Your hot nectar of juice? YOUR WINE??? YOUR BOILING-HOT SYRUP OF SAP??? WHERE HAS GONE TO YOUR WINE OF?????



WHERE’S THE WINE, ASSHOLE???? IT GOT STOLEN!!!!! THE WINE DID!!!! SOME TYPE OF CRIME-THIEF STOLE UP ALL THE WINE!!!!!!

No! This is no time to be loud with a tantrum! You are a detective, and this is a crime scene. You need to search the crime scene for clues.

You look around the crime scene, and you see something familiar…something…yellow…

Just as you thought! Bananas! This is the famous yellow vegetable that gets eaten by monkeys! This means that the criminal who stole your wine was a monkey! And there’s only one person with the skills and expertise necessary to figure out which monkey stole your wine…

WHAT THE HELL OF SHIT??? WHERE HAS BECOME OF GONE AS OF YOUR WINE IS??? HOW COULD IT BE THIS FUCKED??? THE WINE IS JUNKED UP AND STOLEN AND MISSING, AND CRIMINALS THIEVED IT INTO OBLIVION!!! FUCK AND HECK!!! HOW DID IT BECOME GONE IN THIS MANNER???

“Ah, shit. Then I guess I’m doomed to pine after you from a distance until the end of the world. It’s every knight’s worst nightmare,” says Sir Laundry Tomorrow-Always. “In the meantime, please feel free to continue storing your wine in the trunk of my car.” He closes the door, and you can hear him crying while he blasts the album Salad-Flavored Frown, Ranch-Flavored Tears by the legendary band The Gloomy Scoundrels. This is the album that Knights of the Realm are required by law to play when they have had their hearts broken.

You! The Monkey Detective! You must go find out which monkey stole your wine and either put them into jail or send them to Donkey Heaven, which is hell for monkeys!

It’s time to start investigating The Case of the Monkey Who Stole Your Wine!

It’s time to begin your investigation. To catch the nasty monkey that did thief stuff to your gorgeous wine, you’re going to need to go to the type of forest where monkeys live: the jungle.

Good choice. Tons of monkeys live in the jungle. It’s one of the places where they like to hang out and be gross with each other. You are about to enter the jungle when all of a sudden you hear someone yell, “Wait! Don’t go in there, Monkey Detective!”

You turn around and find yourself face to face with Natural Simon, the world’s most famous nature documentarian. Natural Simon has a show on the BBC called Skittles Safari, where Natural Simon finds the most exotic and beautiful animals in the world and feeds them Skittles to teach the world about which animals die when you feed them Skittles.

“Hello, Monkey Detective,” says Natural Simon. “I just want you to know that you better not interfere with too much nature in this big jungle right here that we’re both looking at. I’m going to be filming an episode of Skittles Safari, and I need you to stay away from all the animals so that I can feed Skittles to them in a natural way.”

“You would know the answer to this if you watched my hourlong Christmas special, “Skittles Feasts On The American Plains.” I fed a buffalo a big bucket of Skittles, and the buffalo burped and then died. From this scientific experiment, we can conclude that when a buffalo eats a bucket of Skittles, it burps and then it dies. That is the magic of nature.”

“Okay, whatever. I don’t care,” says Natural Simon. “Just make sure you don’t disturb nature too much.”

“Please do not kiss me,” says Natural Simon. “When I became the host of my nature show, I had to swear a vow of celibacy to the BBC.”

“In 1985, the legendary David Attenborough was shooting an episode of his popular nature documentary, Animals! Animals! Animals!” Natural Simon explains to you, “and he went up to a zebra and whispered, ‘My wife and I have sex all the time. Even on weekends.’ Listening to David Attenborough talk about his sex life made the zebra very upset, and so the zebra had no choice but to scream and run off a cliff and die. In order to avoid a similar disaster, the BBC has made everyone who appears on their channel take a vow of celibacy so that they can never make zebras commit frantic suicide by telling them how much sex they have.”

You leave Natural Simon behind for the time being and enter the jungle.

The first person you meet in the jungle is Dennis the Lion. “Hello, Monkey Detective,” says Dennis the Lion.

You thank Natural Simon for the wonderful story about David Attenborough driving a zebra insane with his erotic tales, and you enter the jungle.

The first person you meet in the jungle is Dennis the Lion. “Hello, Monkey Detective,” says Dennis the Lion.

“I’m doing fine, Monkey Detective,” says Dennis the Lion. “I just spent all afternoon watching a wasp lay its eggs in a caterpillar’s brain, and now I am waiting to die.”

“Yes, it’s great. I cannot wait for my nest of eggs to hatch. How are you doing, Monkey Detective?”

“That’s terrible. Your mind must be insane with #WinePanic,” says Dennis the Lion.

“As a matter of fact, I have seen a suspicious thing involving a monkey,” says Dennis the Lion. “One thing I saw is a famous monkey named Pervert-Pervert Gumbo walking into the jungle carrying a plastic bag of some kind. I couldn’t tell what was in the bag, but it smelled like it was stolen.”

“It just so happens that I know where Pervert-Pervert Gumbo’s secret #ApeLocation is, but why should I just tell you? Shouldn’t you do something nice for me before I tell you?”

“Oh, okay. Well, he lives in the River of Nasty Ideas. It’s just to the north of here.”

You travel north through the jungle’s nosy branches and thick old vines, and soon you arrive at the River of Nasty Ideas. This is where the monkey Pervert-Pervert Gumbo lives. He’s standing there with the grossest horrible smile plastered across his head. It is the grin of someone who has become happy because of something disgusting. He is terrible to know about.

“Monkeys and bugs can be…more than just friends,” says Pervert-Pervert Gumbo. He stares at you with his disgusting grin and splashes some river water around with his hands.

“Wine is the romance syrup,” says Pervert-Pervert Gumbo. “I have seen it…in my night’s dreams.”

“That depends…what does your wine look like?”

“Hm…I don’t remember seeing anything bottle-shaped recently,” says Pervert-Pervert Gumbo.

“I do remember something! One time my brother got sick, so I ate his legs and so I also got sick. I was barfing everywhere, and I got to stay home from driving school.”

“Oh…no, I haven’t seen anything involving your wine recently,” says Pervert-Pervert Gumbo.

“Oh, this thing?” asks Pervert-Pervert Gumbo as he waves a plastic bag around over his head. “This is my Garbage Pouch! I found it in the trash, and now I wave it around over my head a lot to let people know that I’m the kind of monkey that loves garbage.”

“Oh, well, Dennis the Lion must have seen me carrying around my fish,” says Pervert-Pervert Gumbo. You see, every month I fill up my Garbage Pouch with a bunch of fish, and I carry the pouch around with me until the fish go rotten. When the fish go rotten, I celebrate by going to the bathroom. Then I dump the rotten fish off at a local elementary school so that the children can learn about how death makes everything smell bad. Then I fill up my Garbage Pouch with more fish, and the beautiful cycle begins anew.”

“Thank you.”

“I am an innocent angel,” says the disgusting monkey. “I am like Cupid, but even more naked and even more in a river. But I know about a nasty-bad monkey who maybe stole your wine!”

“Her name is Princess Neil Armstrong, and she is one of the most nasty-bad monkeys in the whole of the monkey world. I bet she’s the one who stole your wine! She lives in the jungle castle called Goose Manor.”

You leave behind the River of Nasty Ideas and venture into the jungle to find Goose Manor. As you’re leaving, you hear Pervert-Pervert Gumbo shout behind you, “Wait, Monkey Detective! I have one more very important thing to tell you!”

You ignore Pervert-Pervert Gumbo and continue walking deeper into the jungle. “Please! Monkey Detective! Please listen to me! This is extremely important!”

You keep ignoring Pervert-Pervert Gumbo and keep walking deeper into the jungle. “Monkey Detective, the information I have is vital for you!” cries Pervert-Pervert Gumbo. “You’ll die without it! Please just listen to what I have to say!”

“Please! Monkey Detective! You need to listen to me! You need to turn around and hear what I have to say! The fate of your life hangs in the balance! The fate of the world hangs in the balance! Please listen to me!”

“Sometimes, monkeys and bugs start out as good friends, but then the monkeys and bugs start to feel things…beautiful romantic things…and the friendship between the monkeys and the bugs becomes…something more…and the monkeys and the bugs kiss each other and…they have sex with each other (a.k.a. fuck each other). The monkeys have sex with the cockroaches and the beetles and the mosquitos and the many other types of bugs that they used to be friends with, and sometimes a monkey’s driving teacher sees him having sex with the bugs (a.k.a. doing Bug-Fuck onto the bugs) and the driving teacher says, “There’s the monkey whom I teach how to drive a car. I thought he was just friends with the bugs, but now that I’m seeing the monkey doing Bug-Fuck onto the bugs (a.k.a. having Insect-Nudity in the bugs), I understand that the monkey and the bugs are so much more than just friends.”

You leave Pervert-Pervert Gumbo behind and travel to Goose Manor. Goose Manor is a jungle castle, and it lies deep within the secret trees, by the banks of a jungle river. This is the home of Princess Neil Armstrong, the monkey who may have stolen your wine.

You stand around shouting things like, “Princess Neil Armstrong, get out here!” and, “Princess Neil Armstrong! Show yourself!” The sound of your yelling makes a jungle ruckus, and the sound of the jungle ruckus makes Princess Neil Armstrong crawl out of Goose Manor and stand on top of the castle walls.

“Who is yelling for me?” cries Princess Neil Armstrong. “Who dares disturb Princess Neil Armstrong when she is in the middle of studying for driving school?”

“Monkey Detective! What do you want?”

“How dare you accuse me of such a hideous crime!” Princess Neil Armstrong screams. “I did not ever even touch your wine! I was too busy being disgusting and horrible in the monkey kind of way to even have time to steal your wine!”

“Jesus Christ, Monkey Detective! You have allowed your mind to be swallowed by #WinePanic!” Princess Neil Armstrong screams. “You need to calm down! I did not ever even touch your wine! I was too busy being disgusting and horrible in the monkey kind of way to even have time to steal your wine!”

“He probably only said that because of the many crimes I commit,” says Princess Neil Armstrong. “I definitely like to be a criminal who does crimes, like mail batteries to people who don’t need any more batteries or pretend to be a cowboy even though it is forbidden for monkeys to pretend to be cowboys, but I never stole your wine, Monkey Detective.”

“Be my guest,” says Princess Neil Armstrong. She claps her hands, and the doors to Goose Manor open. “I don’t think you’ll find anything…suspicious.”

You are now inside the jungle castle of Goose Manor. The entire castle is made out of polished goose bones, which is one of the two reasons that it’s called Goose Manor.

You venture deeper into the halls of Goose Manor. You arrive in the Royal Frowning Chamber, which is the room in the castle that lords and ladies of the court come to frown in private. In the royal court, frowning is a sign that the devil is trying to pull your mouth into hell, so all the royal people come to the Royal Frowning Chamber in order to do their sad-mouth business. There is a duchess in here, and she is frowning.

“What do you want?” asks the duchess. “Can’t you see I’m in the middle of frowning?”

“Oh my heavens, that has never happened! I didn’t even know wine could be stolen!” says the duchess. “I’ve been sitting in this room frowning because of my 600-year-old maze-hating husband for the past three decades, so I’m pretty sure I would have noticed if a monkey came through here carrying stolen wine.”

“I suppose there was one unusual thing I saw today,” says the duchess.

“I saw Princess Neil Armstrong carrying a plastic bag, and the bag was filled with things,” says the duchess. “And Princess Neil Armstrong was saying things like, ‘At last I have gotten my hands on a stolen treasure,’ and, ‘If someone found out what I’ve got in this plastic bag, I would certainly go to jail.’”

You use your Monkey Detective skills to deduce that this story sounds suspicious.

You enter the throne room of Goose Manor and encounter the legendary Goose of Goose Manor. It looks you right in the eye, lays an egg filled with sawdust, and speaks.

“Now you shall allow me to tell you the plot of The Lion King,” says the Goose.

“You must prepare yourself,” says the goose. “I am going to tell you the whole story of The Lion King.”

It is a widely known ancient legend that there is a goose in this castle that wanders through the hallways biting people and incorrectly describing the plot of The Lion King. This is that goose, and he wants to give you a summary of The Lion King that is extremely off base.

The Lion King is a movie about a big lion named Mufasa and his landlord who is a lion named Simba, who is also his son and his driving teacher,” says the goose. “One day in the jungle, Mufasa finds a T-shirt that says, ‘I’m the Fuck Rooster’ on it, and he says, ‘I like this good shirt, and now it is mine. Because of this shirt, I’ve become the Fuck Rooster.’ But when Mufasa brings it home to his landlord, Simba (his son), Simba says, ‘If you do not give me that amazing T-shirt, I will triple your rent this month.’ Mufasa says, ‘No, I am keeping this shirt. I am the Fuck Rooster, and now I have a shirt that says so.’ Simba becomes furious, so he calls up his radioactive boyfriend named Scar (also a lion) and he says, ‘You need to kill my father, Mufasa, so I can have his shirt.’ Scar is also Mufasa’s boyfriend AND he is also Mufasa’s landlord, which means Mufasa pays rent to both Simba and Scar, and Scar kills Mufasa by putting his brain in the microwave. Now that Mufasa is dead, Simba gets to have Mufasa’s cool shirt, and he shows his shirt to Rafiki the baboon and Rafiki loves the shirt so much that he gives Simba the Stanley Cup of hockey, and Simba uses the Stanley Cup to hold his teeth, which fall out all of the time because he’s very sick with mouth problems. And Scar gives off so much poisonous radiation that he is basically a walking uranium plant, and Scar and Rafiki go to the bathroom next to each other and Scar’s radiation makes Rafiki give birth to a three-headed monkey named Bus Diva. And Simba spends the rest of his lion life wearing the T-shirt that says, ‘I’m the Fuck Rooster,’ and at the end of the movie, Pumbaa the warthog comes up to Simba and asks, ‘Are you the Fuck Rooster?’ and Simba says, ‘Read the shirt, asshole,’ and then the movie ends.”

“I don’t want to talk about your wine,” says the goose. “I want to talk about The Lion King. The Lion King is a movie about a big lion named Mufasa and his landlord who is a lion named Simba, who is also his son and his driving teacher,” says the goose. “One day in the jungle, Mufasa finds a T-shirt that says, ‘I’m the Fuck Rooster’ on it, and he says, ‘I like this good shirt, and now it is mine. Because of this shirt, I’ve become the Fuck Rooster.’ But when Mufasa brings it home to his landlord, Simba (his son), Simba says, ‘If you do not give me that amazing T-shirt, I will triple your rent this month.’ Mufasa says, ‘No, I am keeping this shirt. I am the Fuck Rooster, and now I have a shirt that says so.’ Simba becomes furious, so he calls up his radioactive boyfriend named Scar (also a lion) and he says, ‘You need to kill my father, Mufasa, so I can have his shirt.’ Scar is also Mufasa’s boyfriend AND he is also Mufasa’s landlord, which means Mufasa pays rent to both Simba and Scar, and Scar kills Mufasa by putting his brain in the microwave. Now that Mufasa is dead, Simba gets to have Mufasa’s cool shirt, and he shows his shirt to Rafiki the baboon and Rafiki loves the shirt so much that he gives Simba the Stanley Cup of hockey, and Simba uses the Stanley Cup to hold his teeth, which fall out all of the time because he’s very sick with mouth problems. And Scar gives off so much poisonous radiation that he is basically a walking uranium plant, and Scar and Rafiki go to the bathroom next to each other and Scar’s radiation makes Rafiki give birth to a three-headed monkey named Bus Diva. And Simba spends the rest of his lion life wearing the T-shirt that says, ‘I’m the Fuck Rooster,’ and at the end of the movie, Pumbaa the warthog comes up to Simba and asks, ‘Are you the Fuck Rooster?’ and Simba says, ‘Read the shirt, asshole,’ and then the movie ends.”

“That’s too bad,” says the goose. “I’m going to tell you the plot of The Lion King anyway. The Lion King is a movie about a big lion named Mufasa and his landlord who is a lion named Simba, who is also his son and his driving teacher,” says the goose. “One day in the jungle, Mufasa finds a T-shirt that says, ‘I’m the Fuck Rooster’ on it, and he says, ‘I like this good shirt, and now it is mine. Because of this shirt, I’ve become the Fuck Rooster.’ But when Mufasa brings it home to his landlord, Simba (his son), Simba says, ‘If you do not give me that amazing T-shirt, I will triple your rent this month.’ Mufasa says, ‘No, I am keeping this shirt. I am the Fuck Rooster, and now I have a shirt that says so.’ Simba becomes furious, so he calls up his radioactive boyfriend named Scar (also a lion) and he says, ‘You need to kill my father, Mufasa, so I can have his shirt.’ Scar is also Mufasa’s boyfriend AND he is also Mufasa’s landlord, which means Mufasa pays rent to both Simba and Scar, and Scar kills Mufasa by putting his brain in the microwave. Now that Mufasa is dead, Simba gets to have Mufasa’s cool shirt, and he shows his shirt to Rafiki the baboon and Rafiki loves the shirt so much that he gives Simba the Stanley Cup of hockey, and Simba uses the Stanley Cup to hold his teeth, which fall out all of the time because he’s very sick with mouth problems. And Scar gives off so much poisonous radiation that he is basically a walking uranium plant, and Scar and Rafiki go to the bathroom next to each other and Scar’s radiation makes Rafiki give birth to a three-headed monkey named Bus Diva. And Simba spends the rest of his lion life wearing the T-shirt that says, ‘I’m the Fuck Rooster,’ and at the end of the movie, Pumbaa the warthog comes up to Simba and asks, ‘Are you the Fuck Rooster?’ and Simba says, ‘Read the shirt, asshole,’ and then the movie ends.”

“Leave me alone,” says the goose.

“How dare you question me?” cries the Goose of Goose Manor. “You dare speak with such insolence to the world’s ninth most important goose? I am going to punish you! I am going to lay my heaviest egg on your foot!”

The goose waddles over to you and hovers his ass over your foot. He begins to lay his heaviest egg. “My heaviest egg is filled with a mixture of salamanders and rice,” the goose explains to you as he squirts the big heavy egg out of his body and onto your foot.

The sad news for you is that you put your brain in your foot so that you could get shot in the head and still survive. Unfortunately, that means that when the goose lays his extremely heavy egg on your foot, it crushes you brain and you die. You are unable to discover which monkey stole your wine.

The heavy egg filled with salamanders and rice hatches and the salamanders eat the hair off of your corpse. Your hair makes them grow enormous, and they destroy San Francisco.

The End

Share Your Results

“Yes, it sucks. Do you have any other questions?”

“I’m frowning because my 600-year-old husband won’t let me chase him through a dark maze with an ax.”

You leave Goose Manor and walk back out into the jungle. “Look who came crawling back!” yells Princess Neil Armstrong. “I knew you wouldn’t find anything. I didn’t steal your wine!”

“I suppose, but make it quick.”

“Any other questions for me?” asks Princess Neil Armstrong.

“How dare you continue to accuse me of such a terrible monkey crime!” screams Princess Neil Armstrong. “I have a very good explanation for why I was carrying a plastic bag this morning!”

“Because that is the plastic bag that I call my Olive Pouch. Every day, I fill that plastic bag with olives and bring it on Antiques Roadshow. And I take my plastic bag up to the hosts, who hate me, and I say, ‘Good morning, you rank fucks, how much is this antique worth? It’s a plastic bag filled with olives,’ and the hosts say, ‘For fuck’s sake, it’s worth nothing, just like yesterday. Just like every day. Please stop bringing us this plastic bag filled with olives,’ but I will never stop bringing it to them because I like to be on TV.”

“Wonderful, because I didn’t steal your wine. I have a clean soul that has done no crimes, and it won’t go to Donkey Heaven (hell for monkeys) when I die. My innocent soul will go to Pig Hell (heaven for monkeys). Now go away from me and go snoop around somewhere else.”

“How dare you!” screams Princess Neil Armstrong. “If you don’t believe me, go ask Ancient Dusty Mark, the host of Antiques Roadshow! He’ll back me up!”

You travel to the set of Antiques Roadshow. The host of the show, Ancient Dusty Mark, is standing around looking at all the antiques and telling people how much money he thinks they’re worth. “Welcome to Antiques Roadshow,” says Ancient Dusty Mark. “Do you have an antique for me to look at so that I can tell you how much money it is?”

You take out your oldest treasure, which is a traffic cone from 1994. You have kept it in the dark to let it age for many years. “Oh, nice,” says Ancient Dusty Mark. “This is an amazing traffic cone. It’s worth billions of dollars because it’s orange.”

“Yes, congratulations. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“You’re going to need to be way more specific,” says Ancient Dusty Mark. “You see, thousands of monkeys bring plastic bags onto Antiques Roadshow every single day. Every morning I wake up and come to the show and there’s a line of monkeys out the door and they all have plastic bags, and they hold the plastic bags right up to my face and they say, ‘Tell me that my plastic bag is worth $1 million,’ but I have to tell each monkey, ‘Sorry, it is worth nothing. It is a plastic bag.’ And then the monkey becomes angry and punches me in the stomach and goes back to the jungle. This happens thousands of times every day.”

“Yes. I hate it so much. But unfortunately, I can’t tell you if any one specific monkey came by with a plastic bag today.”

Rats. It looks like there’s no way to prove or disprove Princess Neil Armstrong’s story. Maybe there are more clues about which monkey stole your wine somewhere in the jungle.

“Actually, it’s the worst. I hate it very much. And unfortunately, since so many monkeys have shown me their plastic bags today, I can’t tell you if any one specific monkey came by with a plastic bag today.”

Rats. It looks like there’s no way to prove or disprove Princess Neil Armstrong’s story. Maybe there are more clues about which monkey stole your wine somewhere in the jungle.

You journey back into the jungle where you meet one of the saddest monkeys in the world. His name is Honest Leroy, and he only ever tells the truth. His inability to lie has made all of the other monkeys hate him because he is constantly reporting their monkey crimes to the authorities.

“Hello, Monkey Detective,” says Honest Leroy.

Even though you’re still suspicious of Princess Neil Armstrong, your Monkey Detective instincts tell you that the best thing to do is to leave Goose Manor and look for more clues about your stolen wine somewhere else.

You travel deep into the jungle, where you meet one of the saddest monkeys in the world. His name is Honest Leroy, and he only ever tells the truth. His inability to lie has made all of the other monkeys hate him because he is constantly reporting their monkey crimes to the authorities.

“Hello, Monkey Detective,” says Honest Leroy.

You greet Honest Leroy by giving him a firm handshake and establishing direct eye contact. From a professional standpoint, this was a good idea, since a firm handshake and direct eye contact are useful for establishing a good working relationship with a colleague. Unfortunately, monkeys use direct eye contact to threaten one another, so Honest Leroy immediately goes insane with rage and kills you.

He tears you in half.

The End

Share Your Results

You wave to Honest Leroy from a far distance. “I need to be honest with you,” Honest Leroy says honestly. “I’m a little bit offended that you didn’t shake my hand and make eye contact with me to establish a professional connection with me.”

“That’s probably for the best,” says Honest Leroy. “As a monkey, I probably would have interpreted your eye contact as a threat and killed you immediately. Just being honest.”

“I’m always honest because I can never lie. It is a big problem for me. Today my son, Small Delicious Benjamin, ran away from home because I told him that I was going to eat him because I’m sick and have parasites that have scrambled my brains. Monkeys are insanely stupid and very disgusting, so sometimes when we get sick we think the best thing to do is eat each other. I didn’t mean to hurt my son’s feelings, but I had to be honest and tell him that I was going to devour him and then crawl into a stagnant pond and die. Now Small Delicious Benjamin lives in Greenwich Village where he eats garbage with his girlfriend (who is a bug named Mrs. Cockroach), and he doesn’t talk to me.”

“That is very true,” says Honest Leroy. “Your friend is wise indeed.”

“Monkey Detective, I must be honest,” Honest Leroy says with very big honesty, “I do know who stole your wine. I was there when it got stolen. But I was told never to reveal who did it.”

“They told me not to tell you! But I need to be honest!” says Honest Leroy. “That is the curse of Honest Leroy. I must now tell you who stole your wine. Lean in close and I will whisper it in your ear.”

You lean in close so that Honest Leroy can whisper in your ear the name of the monkey that stole your wine, but before he can tell you, you hear a voice behind you say, “Hello! It’s me! Natural Simon!”

Yes, you are correct, it is everyone’s favorite nature documentarian, Natural Simon. There’s a camera crew following him around filming his every move. “Today on Skittles Safari we will see what happens when we feed a lot of Skittles to a monkey,” Natural Simon says into the camera. He approaches Honest Leroy with a big bucket of Skittles. “Hello, monkey. You must eat these Skittles,” says Natural Simon.

You turn around and find yourself face to face with everyone’s favorite nature documentarian, Natural Simon. There’s a camera crew following him around filming his every move. “Today on Skittles Safari we will see what happens when we feed a lot of Skittles to a monkey,” Natural Simon says into the camera. He approaches Honest Leroy with a big bucket of Skittles. “Hello, monkey. You must eat these Skittles,” says Natural Simon.

“Yes, it’s honestly a big honor to be on such a popular show,” Honest Leroy says honestly. “And now I’m going to eat this whole big bucket of Skittles so that I can give the folks watching at home what they want: animals getting sick and dying after a big bucket of Skittles.” He eats all of the Skittles. “My guts feel like winter,” says Honest Leroy. He falls over and dies.

“As you can see,” Natural Simon says to the camera, “when monkeys eat a lot of Skittles, they die. Science is wonderful.”

Ah, jeez! Honest Leroy was just about to tell you which monkey stole your wine, but now he’s dead.

You look at Honest Leroy’s body. All that’s left of him is one single bone. You seem to have hit a dead end.

You look at Honest Leroy’s body. All that’s left of him is one single bone. You seem to have hit a dead end.

You yell at Natural Simon. You call him an idiot. “If I’m an idiot, then how come I’m a scientist who feeds candy to monkeys and kills them?” asks Natural Simon.

Clearly Natural Simon is blameless in all of this. What would you like to do now?

With your head bowed in shame, you trudge out of the jungle. You are extremely depressed. In all your years as the Monkey Detective you’ve never failed to solve a case, and now, when your wine was on the line, you completely blew it.

On your way out of the jungle, you run into your old friend Dennis the Lion.

“Why are you looking so sad, Monkey Detective?” he asks you.

“Well, if Honest Leroy died, then doesn’t that mean his soul is in Donkey Heaven, which is hell for monkeys? Why don’t you just go talk to him there?”

It’s a long shot, but you’re going to try to travel to Donkey Heaven, which is hell for monkeys, in order to speak to the spirit of Honest Leroy. You put on a gorilla suit so that the universe will think you’re a monkey when you die and send you to Donkey Heaven, which is hell for monkeys, instead of sending you to Lobster Purgatory, which is heaven for detectives.

Now that you look like a monkey, you will have to find a way to die. How would you like to become dead?

You decide to become dead by getting smacked in the foot by a huge meteor, so a big meteor comes from outer space and smacks you in the foot. Since your foot is where your brain is, the meteor turns your brain into soup, and you become dead. Your soul is sent directly to Donkey Heaven, which is hell for monkeys.

You wake up in Donkey Heaven, which is hell for monkeys. You can see one donkey and every monkey who has ever died. The donkey is standing there yelling, clearly in a state of absolute euphoria. “I’m having a great time!” the donkey shrieks. “I’m having a terrific day all day long!”

“Quiet! Be quiet!” one of the monkeys yells at the donkey.

“Shut the fuck up! Zip your terrible lips all the way up!” screams another monkey.

“Your joy makes me MISERABLE!” shrieks another monkey.

The donkey just keeps smiling and wiggling around with joy. “Everything is just the way I like it forever!” he shrieks.

You spend the next 6,000 years searching Donkey Heaven for Honest Leroy. Since Donkey Heaven is hell for monkeys, there are lots of monkeys there, and it’s hard to find one specific one. Finally you find him, though. He is sitting in a corner trying to rip his head off so that he doesn’t have to listen to the donkey scream about how happy he is anymore.

“Hello, Monkey Detective!” says Honest Leroy. “I’m dead, and I’m in hell. What can I do for you?”

“I don’t want to tell you which monkey stole your wine,” says Honest Leroy. “But sadly I must because I need to be honest all the time. It was every single monkey in the whole world. All of them teamed up to steal your wine.”

“Believe it, bucko, that’s honestly how it happened,” says Honest Leroy, honestly. “Every single monkey in the world wanted some of your wine, but you wouldn’t give it to us. So we hatched a plan, and the plan was, ‘Steal the wine.’ We took the wine out of your neighbor’s car and split it up amongst all of the monkeys, and all the monkeys put their share of the stolen wine in a plastic bag and came up with their alibis. But they had stolen your wine.”

You leave Donkey Heaven, which is hell for monkeys, and return to Earth. You immediately arrest every single monkey in the entire world for stealing your wine. Every monkey immediately gives you a full confession and admits that they stole your wine, except for Pervert-Pervert Gumbo, who just hands you the wine he stole and tells you that monkeys and bugs can go to prom together and have a…special night together when prom is over. He is truly the worst monkey you’ve ever known.

No, you’re wrong. Look at him. He is horrible. He sucks so much.

You put all of the monkeys in the world in big public prisons. There are so many monkeys that you need to put in jail for stealing your wine that you need to build these prisons all over the world. People come from all over the world to look at these monkeys in their prisons to learn about what happens when people steal the Monkey Detective’s wine. These prisons where you keep the monkeys who stole your wine are called “zoos,” and this is why zoos exist today.

You did it! You solved the case! And because every single monkey in the world is now in prison, there is no longer a need for a Monkey Detective to solve monkey crimes! You retire and spend the rest of your life winning awards and going on vacation to a Sex Place, which is a place where you have great sex for free with plenty of interesting people. It’s a wonderful life, and you deserve it because you solved the mystery of your stolen wine. Amazing job, Monkey Detective!

The End

Share Your Results

“Yes, it’s true, I am being honest,” says Honest Leroy. “Every single monkey in the world wanted some of your wine, but you wouldn’t give it to us. So we hatched a plan, and the plan was, ‘Steal the wine.’ We took the wine out of your neighbor’s car and split it up amongst all of the monkeys, and all the monkeys put their share of the stolen wine in a plastic bag and came up with their alibis. But they had stolen your wine.”

You decide to become dead by getting smacked in the head by a huge meteor, so a big meteor comes from outer space and smacks you in the head. Unfortunately, a fun fact about you is that you took your brain out of your head and put it in your foot, so getting hit in the head by a meteor doesn’t kill you at all. If anything, it makes you stronger and healthier.

No, sorry, space is all out of meteors. Space is empty now, and so you have no way to become dead.

You are completely defeated. You are a failure. You are a bad Monkey Detective who couldn’t even save his own wine. You go home to be sad. The government found out that you were a failure, and as punishment they replaced your nice house in the suburbs with an empty basket in the desert. That’s where you have to live now.

The moral of the story is that sometimes a monkey will steal your wine, and if you can’t figure out who it is, the government will make you live in a basket in the desert.

The End

Share Your Results

You look at the bone. “Who stole my wine?” you ask. The bone just lies there on the ground. You feel stupid for asking a bone a question.

“I honestly would like to eat all of these Skittles first,” Honest Leroy says honestly. He eats all of the Skittles. “My guts feel like winter,” says Honest Leroy. He falls over and dies.

“As you can see,” Natural Simon says to the camera, “when monkeys eat a lot of Skittles, they die. Science is wonderful.”

Ah, jeez! Honest Leroy was just about to tell you which monkey stole your wine, but now he’s dead.

“I honestly don’t care that Skittles are poison. I’m still going to eat them,” Honest Leroy says honestly. He eats all of the Skittles. “My guts feel like winter,” says Honest Leroy. He falls over and dies.

“As you can see,” Natural Simon says to the camera, “when monkeys eat a lot of Skittles, they die. Science is wonderful.”

Ah, jeez! Honest Leroy was just about to tell you which monkey stole your wine, but now he’s dead.

You give Honest Leroy a big can of garbage, which is all monkeys’ favorite food. “Ah! Garbage! My favorite food!” says Honest Leroy. He eats all of the garbage and gets lots of parasites in his brain. “I love to get parasites in my brain!” says Honest Leroy.

Before Honest Leroy can answer you, the world’s only FBI agent arrives. “Hello, I am from the FBI, and I love to arrest people, send people to jail, have big gun fights, and gain weight on the weekends from eating too much. I received reports of someone committing the felony crime of bribing a monkey with garbage.”

“That’s not true,” says Honest Leroy. “I need to be honest, sir. The Monkey Detective just tried to bribe me with garbage.”

“I don’t know what that means,” says Honest Leroy.

“I’m sorry, Monkey Detective! I need to be honest all the time! It is a horrible curse to be Honest Leroy!”

“Monkey Detective, you’re under arrest for bribing a monkey with garbage,” says the world’s only FBI agent. “I hereby sentence you to life in prison.” The FBI agent takes you to jail and puts you into a cell. Then he gets into the cell next to yours and locks himself inside. “I need to go to jail, too, because I murdered 1,000 people with an ax,” explains the FBI agent.

You and the FBI agent spend the rest of your lives in prison, and you die of old age at the exact same time. You never find out who stole your wine.

The End

Share Your Results

“I was born on July 21, 1969, which is the date that Neil Armstrong famously set the world record for ‘Fattest Man Ever To Be On The Moon.’ In honor of Neil Armstrong’s incredible achievement, my monkey dad and my mother (an ape) named me Princess Neil Armstrong.”

You run out of the room before the goose can lay his heaviest egg on your foot. You run through the twisting and turning hallways of Goose Manor until you find yourself back outside in the jungle. Princess Neil Armstrong is right where you left her.

“Look who came crawling back!” yells Princess Neil Armstrong. “I knew you wouldn’t find anything. I didn’t steal your wine!”

The second reason is that, according to an ancient legend, there’s a goose in this castle that wanders through the hallways biting people and incorrectly describing the plot of The Lion King.

You decide that trying to kick the wall down isn’t going to work. What would you like to do instead?

It is time to infiltrate Goose Manor using force.

You have chosen to break into Goose Manor using force. You approach the castle wall. The stone fortifications are sturdy, and it will take considerable strength to get inside. How would you like to knock down the wall?

You kick the wall a lot, but your foot is not strong enough to knock down a castle wall.

You kick the wall a lot more, but your foot is not strong enough to knock down a castle wall.

You kick the wall again, but you’re still not strong enough to knock down a whole wall.

You kick the wall again, and this time you completely shatter your foot. This wouldn’t be too much of a problem, but unfortunately, your foot is where your brain is. When you became a Monkey Detective, you had doctors relocate your brain to your foot so that you could get shot in the head without dying.

As a result, your brain is turned into soup, and you die right there in the jungle. A porcupine from the jungle finds your body and buries you under a gravestone that reads “Foot Brain Guy (brain in his foot): DO NOT MOURN.” It’s the most expensive gravestone in the entire jungle. You never figure out who stole your wine.

The End

Share Your Results

You reach into your Detective’s Pocket and pull out the biggest missile in the world. You fire the the huge missile at the castle wall, and it completely obliterates everything in a 50-mile radius. You survived because you were wearing sunscreen, but Goose Manor is completely destroyed, along with every living thing inside of it. Every shred of evidence, every suspect, and every clue is incinerated. You have botched this case beyond repair, and now you’ll never find out who stole your wine.

You go back to your Monkey Detective office and fire yourself. You did not solve the mystery about monkey crime.

The End

Share Your Results

“A-ha! Yes! The yellow wine!” says Pervert-Pervert Gumbo. “I have seen it! I found your wine in the mud today! I know all about it! Hold out your hand or open your mouth, and I will give you your wine back!”

You hold out your hand, expecting Pervert-Pervert Gumbo to give you your wine, but instead he plops a banana into your hand. “This is a yellow thing, and you said your wine is yellow, and so that means that this is your wine,” says Pervert-Pervert Gumbo.

“No, that yellow thing is your wine! I can’t hear otherwise! You say your wine is yellow, and I find for you what is yellow! I found the wine! I solved the mystery! I answered the riddle of ‘Where Is It?’ Me! I am good detective! I have overnight business trip with bugs, and in the hotel room our friendship become…something so much more!” yells Pervert-Pervert Gumbo. He shakes his disgusting smiling face back and forth and splashes around in the River of Nasty Ideas.

“No. It is your wine. I found it. I am the best. I am the hero,” says Pervert-Pervert Gumbo. “It is time for there to be a parade for me as a prize for solving the mystery.”

Pervert-Pervert Gumbo screams, “It is time for a parade!” and a big-rig truck speeds into the jungle and runs you over, killing you immediately. “Congratulations, Pervert-Pervert Gumbo!” yells the truck driver as he speeds past.

“A parade of just one truck,” Pervert-Pervert Gumbo says to himself. He splashes around in the river and continues to smile his horrendous grin.

You did your best, but you weren’t able to solve the mystery of which monkey stole your wine. Instead, you were trampled to death by a parade of just one truck.

The End

Share Your Results

Hello. You are the Monkey Detective.

Even though this banana is not your wine, you politely tell Pervert-Pervert Gumbo that it is so that you don’t hurt his feelings.

“I fix the problem! I find the wine! I go on special vacation with many bugs and…things happen in the hotel room between me and the bugs! Bugs and monkeys can be more than just friends! I solve the wine mystery!” yells Pervert-Pervert Gumbo as he wiggles around in the River of Nasty Ideas and flashes his joy-obliterating smile.

Well, great. Now you’re stuck with a banana, and you still never found out who stole your wine.

To make matters worse, since you don’t want to hurt Pervert-Pervert Gumbo’s feelings, you have to spend the rest of your life pretending that this banana is your wine, and when people point at the banana and say, “What is this banana?” you have to say, “It is my wine. It’s the romance juice I drink when it’s time to have sex with one of my many husbands and wives.” You’re forced to live this lie forever, and you never find out who stole your wine.

Looks like you botched this one, Monkey Detective. Hopefully you can do better and find your wine next time!

Share Your Results

You open your mouth, expecting to receive your wine, but instead Pervert-Pervert Gumbo puts a banana in your mouth. He must have gotten confused when you said that your wine was yellow, and thought you were talking about bananas instead. The sour taste of the banana kills you, and Pervert-Pervert Gumbo lays his eggs in your corpse. They are the #ApeEggs of a #BoyMonkey, and they stink to high heaven and hatch into mosquitos. You shouldn’t have described your wine as yellow! It confused Pervert-Pervert Gumbo, and he caused you to die. You never found out who stole your wine.

Better luck next time, Monkey Detective!

The End

Share Your Results

“Holy shit, you have gone inside with #WinePanic!” yells Dennis the Lion. “You need to stay far away from me, because you have become a Fuck-Man of Heck with all the yelling that you do!”

Dennis the Lion runs away into the jungle. You pissed him off because you flew off the handle in a loud kind of way. Now he’s gone.

You courageously decide to become delicious. You dip your hands in a bucket of milk, which many animals believe to be the most delicious thing in the world. Now your hands smell like milk. Great!

Good question. President George H.W. Bush put this bucket of milk in the jungle as part of Operation Desert Storm. He wanted to feel useful, so the army let him hide some milk in the jungle and he felt like he was helping, even though it didn’t really have a lot of strategic benefit. It was just some milk in the jungle.

That’s correct.

Now that you smell like milk, Dennis the Lion comes sprinting back to you. “Hey, did you get way more delicious or something?” asks Dennis. “You seem way more delicious. I want to be your friend again.”

“Oh yes, my delicious friend. I have seen a very suspicious monkey,” says Dennis the Lion.

Before Dennis the Lion can answer you, a Prehistoric Mouth Creature swoops out of the sky and devours you. “I smelled it from the sky!” yells the Prehistoric Mouth Creature. “I smelled the delicious odor of milk, and now I’ve got the delicious thing in my guts! I ate it!”

The Prehistoric Mouth Creature falls over and goes extinct, but you have already become juice in his guts. “I don’t care about any of that,” says Dennis the Lion. He goes back into the jungle to eat lizards and get plenty of diseases. His life is gross because nature is gross. You remain juice forever, and you never find out which monkey stole your wine. It’s very sad. You didn’t do a great job as the Monkey Detective.

The End

Share Your Results

I am 18 or over and willing to view sexually explicit material