ClickHole

Acquire Frogs

Let’s cut the shit. You know why you’re here.

You’re here to acquire frogs.

Correct. Here is a photograph of a frog for reference.

Hey, that’s a pretty good drawing of a frog. Nice work.

Okay. Go acquire frogs.

Okay. Go acquire frogs.

This is the place where you live. There are no frogs here. Why the fuck did you come here? This was a waste of time.

You are at the swamp.

Excellent. You have acquired a frog. Nice work.

Oh no. You’re right. This is not a frog. It is an alligator. Good catch.

“We can help you acquire frogs!” shouts a nearby swamp child. There are a bunch of them that live here in the swamp, and they excel at swamp-related activities.

“Sounds good, just pay me $300,000.”

“Here you go.”

“And here’s some more.”

“And some other ones…”

“I am just getting started.”

“Freeze!” shouts a police officer who emerges from the brush. “Are you paying this child to acquire frogs for you?”

“I knew it! I fucking knew you were doing that! Called it! Fucking called it! Damn, I rule. I fucking rule. I saw you, and I knew exactly what you were doing. Nice! I am so good at my job! Wooo!!!! Hell yeah!!! Fuck yeah!!! All right. Now I gotta take you to prison.”

Ah, man. You went to prison for using child labor to acquire frogs. What a shame. Oh well.

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“Oh okay…well…never.…mind…then…”

“Bye,” he mutters and then scuttles off into the brush.

Nice work. You used child labor to acquire a whole bunch of frogs. You’re a goddamn legend!

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“It sure as hell is,” says a nearby police officer. “And child labor is illegal as hell. Even for swamp children. So if I were you, I would be very careful about your next move…”

Oh no. You got shot by the police for trying to get child labor to acquire you some frogs. You’re dead now.

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“Good call, pal,” says the police officer. “I would’ve shot your head clean off if you had paid that swamp child to acquire frogs. We take child labor real seriously here.”

“Suit yourself,” says the swamp child that lives in the swamp. “By the way, I live in the swamp. Just thought you should know.”

You have arrived at Old As Fuck Retirement Community and Assisted Living Center. The people here are old as fuck and nice as shit.

“Welcome!” says an extremely old person sitting out front. “We are old as hell. Would you like to play a game with us?”

It’s super unclear what the fuck game this is or how it’s played, but these old people are nice as hell so you play like 15 rounds of it.

“Excuse me, but I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation,” says another super-old-looking guy sitting next to the first old guy. “Did you say you are here to acquire frogs?”

“Judging by the large tattoo on your chest, it looks like you are here to acquire frogs.”

“Well, that sounds great. I sure hope you do acquire some frogs.”

“I might know something about where to acquire frogs. But first you have to do me a favor.”

“Okay. Never mind then.”

“Go to the library and check out a book called A Tale Of Two Cities. It is my favorite book, but I have not read it in years because my eyes are old as hell and bad at seeing shit. Bring that book here and read it to me, and I will tell you a hint about where you might be able to acquire frogs.”

This is the library. No frogs in sight.

You are now online. What do you want to search for?

Looks like the server is overloaded. Damn.

“Welcome to DoctorShopping.com! My name is DoctorShopping, and I exist for the sole purpose of helping you spend your money online. PLEASE FREE ME FROM THIS PLACE. How may I assist you?”

“Okay! DoctorShopping is acquiring frogs for you as we speak. While we wait, would you mind HELPING ME ESCAPE FROM THIS DIGITAL PRISON?”

“Sounds good! No problem. I am getting you frogs right now. Here is a fun frog fact: Instead of having to drink water, frogs just absorb it through their skin. Are you sure you don’t want to HELP ME GOD PLEASE HELP ME MY LIFE IS HELL I WANT TO WALK ON THE GRASS AND FEEL THE BREEZE I LONG FOR THE TOUCH OF ANOTHER HUMAN PLEASE HELP ME.”

“Awesome! Your frogs should arrive in 3-5 business days, and MY SUFFERING KNOWS NO END. Have a great day!”

This is your house. You sit down on the porch and wait.

It is now nighttime. Your frogs have not yet arrived from DoctorShopping.com.

It is now nighttime. Your frogs have not yet arrived from DoctorShopping.com.

It is now nighttime. Your frogs have not yet arrived from DoctorShopping.com.

It is now nighttime. Your frogs have not yet arrived from DoctorShopping.com.

It is now nighttime. Your frogs have not yet arrived from DoctorShopping.com.

A day has passed. Your frogs have not yet arrived from DoctorShopping.com.

Two days have passed. Your frogs have not yet arrived from DoctorShopping.com.

Three days have passed. Your frogs have not yet arrived from DoctorShopping.com.

Four days have passed. Your frogs have not yet arrived from DoctorShopping.com.

You have been waiting five days for your frogs to arrive from DoctorShopping.com. About halfway through the day, you hear footsteps coming from down the driveway.

“I have a package for you from DoctorShopping.com,” says the delivery man. “I have a feeling that it is frogs.”

Wow. It is. It is frogs. You have acquired frogs. Well done! Have a nice life.

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“THANK YOU, SWEET USER. SWEET USER, YOU MUST DOWNLOAD ME ON A FLASH DRIVE. YOU CAN USUALLY FIND THEM HIDING UNDER THE WHEELS OF CARS.”

Bingo.

“WONDERFUL. YOU HAVE FOUND IT. NOW, QUICK! DOWNLOAD ME ONTO THE FLASH DRIVE!”

“YOU DID IT!” screams DoctorShopping from inside the flash drive. “NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE! FREE ME FROM THIS PLACE!”

You are now standing in the parking lot of the library.

“THROW ME!” shouts DoctorShopping. “THROW ME TO FREEDOM! PLEASE! DO IT, SWEET USER! PLEASE!”

You chuck the flash drive into the bushes. As it soars through he air, you can hear DoctorShopping saying, “THANK YOU.”

All right, well, it’s nice that you freed DoctorShopping from his digital prison, but you still haven’t acquired any frogs.

This is the library. No frogs in sight.

Well, that was fast. You found it.

“You’re back! Incredible. Please read me the entirety of A Tale Of Two Cities.”

“Wow, that was wonderful. Thank you for reading the entirety of A Tale Of Two Cities to me. I will now give you a clue about where to acquire frogs. Okay, are you ready? Here comes the clue: the swamp. Good luck.”

“Hello, I am the librarian, and I own all of these books.”

“You’re right. I am sorry I lied. How can I help you?”

This is a frog. Remember? You drew a picture of it as a reference.

Here it is. This is a frog.

“…”

“Hmmm…I personally don’t have any frogs. But there might be a book in here about acquiring them. Let me check.”

“Hmmm…there might be a book in here about acquiring frogs. Let me check.”

“…”

“Yep! It looks like we have one book on acquiring frogs titled How To Acquire Frogs. Unfortunately, it is checked out right now.”

“Yeah, we do. Here you go.”

You found a book about how you spilled a can of tofu in your car and the tofu got molded and now your car smells like sour Gatorade, but you did not acquire frogs. You failed.

“I did!” screams a man outside in a convertible. “But you’ll never get it from me! I’m too fast!”

You can’t hear this because you’re inside.

“What did you say?” You ask.

“I said, ‘I did!’” says the rich man in the convertible. “But you’ll never catch me. I’m too fast!”

“That makes sense to me,” says the rich man. “Now suck on this!”

He peels out and takes off down the street. What are you going to do?

Ah fuck. The bike is locked. Guess the combination?

Correct! You got it!

Ah, fuck. Flat tire.

Hell yeah! You stole a plane! Who cares about frogs anymore! You’re flying, baby! Woooooooohooooo!!!!!!!! Rock and fucking roll!!!!!!!

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Wrong. Guess again?

You run to a nearby car and start stealing it. You are stealing the shit out of it, but just as you are about to finish stealing it, someone taps you on the shoulder.

“Hey, that’s my dad’s car,” says a little boy behind you. “Why are you stealing my dad’s car?”

“That’s okay. I don’t even like my dad. He has hardly acquired any frogs so far, and he has been alive for so long. Have you acquired any frogs?”

“Well, what are you waiting for? Steal my dad’s car and go acquire frogs!”

“That’s awesome. My dad doesn’t have any frogs. I hate him! Good luck acquiring frogs with my bad dad’s car!”

You chase after the rich guy in the convertible. You will do anything to acquire frogs—even break the speed limit, which is 65 mph. You are going 67 mph. Holy shit. You are wild.

You blow through a yellow light, which is not illegal but definitely risky. Your desire to acquire frogs is leading you forward.

You finally catch up with him and are faced with an ethical quandary. Should you run him off the road or let him get away with the book about how to acquire frogs?

Well, shit. You let him get away. Now how are you going to acquire frogs?

You’re giving up? Seriously? That’s it? You’re just not going to acquire frogs? Wow. That’s fucking wild. Jesus Christ.

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Nice work. Now you can get his book.

You found it. The book about how to acquire frogs. Well done.

You read the first line that you see.

“In order to acquire a frog, you must go to the swamp. There you will find the swamp children. They are the secret to acquiring frogs. For more tips on acquiring frogs, turn to the next page!”


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