ClickHole

Why Do Pro-Choice Liberals Say People Should Be Able To Do Whatever They Want With Their Bodies But Then Get Mad When I Circumcise Myself In A Coinstar Machine?

“My body, my choice.” This is the rallying cry of pro-choice liberals everywhere, who argue that women should have total freedom over what happens to their bodies, even if it means ending the life of a baby growing inside them. Not only is this argument rife with logical fallacies, but it’s also breathtakingly hypocritical. Case in point: These liberals saying people should be able to do whatever they want with their bodies are the very same ones who get mad at me when I try to circumcise myself in a Coinstar machine.

I just don’t get it. How, exactly, can you say you support autonomy over one’s body but then cry foul as soon as I walk up to the Coinstar kiosk in my local Kroger, feed my penis into the machine with a jar of change, and slap the “GO” button? How can you advocate for the right to kill unborn babies but then scream in disgust at the sight of a metallic coin hopper stretching my veiny foreskin taut and translucent like a bat’s wing? It’s beyond self-righteous.

By liberals’ own logic, I should be allowed to insert any part of my body into any Coinstar machine I “choose.” And yet last time I did, my fellow shoppers—invariably wearing that unmistakable smug lefty look—went ahead and offered their opinion on where I can and can’t circumcise myself, calling me hurtful names like “pervert” and “that psychopath who is ripping his penis off in the Coinstar machine.” Seeing how cavalier the so-called Tolerant Left tends to be about things like terminating pregnancies, and how fiercely opposed they are to body-shaming, you’d think they’d think twice before pepper-spraying me during a voluntary Coinstar-assisted surgical procedure.

How can you advocate for the right to kill unborn babies but then scream in disgust at the sight of a metallic coin hopper stretching my veiny foreskin taut and translucent like a bat’s wing?

If anything, they should have been cheering me on, or perhaps even helping me find my newly severed tip-flesh amid the pile of Canadian coins, arcade tokens, and other foreign objects rejected by the machine. But alas, no. Apparently liberal tolerance only extends to gender-confused individuals who want to use the wrong bathroom.

Look, yes, I understand that the loud, playing-card-in-spokes-like thrum of my penile excess shredding off in the Coinstar gears might have sounded a bit unpleasant. And, yes, I’m sure the woman perusing Redbox titles next to me didn’t enjoy me accidentally spritzing her purse with foreskin blood. But you know what else is unpleasant and unenjoyable? Being a defenseless fetus getting murdered by an abortion doctor. So maybe don’t act so sanctimonious about what I choose to do with my body, okay?

After all, with the way my premiums have skyrocketed under Obamacare, circumcision via Coinstar was really my only economical option. If liberals can enjoy free taxpayer-funded reproductive care from Planned Parenthood, shouldn’t they be all for a person like myself pursuing this similarly accessible option? Hell, shouldn’t volunteers be lining up in the Kroger parking lot to safely escort me to the Coinstar kiosk, just like they do at Planned Parenthood? Nope. Sadly, when it comes to liberals, you’re either with them or against them, and if “my body, my choice” doesn’t extend to those who wish to clip their wangs in automated coin-counting machines, then I choose to be against them.


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