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Whoa: Lush Has Created A Long-Range Shea Butter Missile Capable Of Moisturizing Targets Up To 6,000 Miles Away

Lush is absolutely dominating the beauty landscape, and apparently, nothing is going to stop it. To prove that it sets the rules and everyone just follows, the company just unveiled its newest, most powerful skin care product to date: Lush has created a long-range shea butter missile capable of moisturizing targets up to 6,000 miles away.

Whoa, that’s some serious firepower.

According to anonymous sources within the company, the shea butter missile weighs more than 100 tons and stands 70 feet tall, and at the click of a button could be used to deliver a deeply hydrating payload almost anywhere in the world. Not only does the missile have a moisturizer capacity of several thousand gallons, but should it be fired from the company’s London headquarters, it would easily be capable of rejuvenating dry, flaky skin as far as the continental United States.

Physicists and cosmologists alike are warning not to take the company’s new skin care technology lightly, and say that if it fell into the wrong hands, the shea-equipped ICBM could easily moisturize the entire population of a city as far away as New York. Experts say that once someone decides to fire the missile, it would only take a matter of hours for this deeply fortifying weapon to travel across the Atlantic Ocean and deliver a blast so nourishing that any dry skin within a 50-mile radius would be smoothed.

“Not a single person on Earth should consider their cracked, neglected skin out of reach from Lush’s new, self-guided shea butter missile’s deep, penetrating cleanse,” announced the CEO of Lush this morning, adding that the weapon’s rockets are strong enough to transport age-defying serums into space if it wanted. “The missile defense systems of the United States and other powers could never stop a moisturizing ICBM of this speed, size, or scale from entering international air fields and lubricating millions. Here at Lush, we are unmatched.”

Just last month, it seemed that Lush’s advances had stalled when a moisturizing test missile exploded upon reentry into the Earth’s atmosphere and sent a cleansing spray of lavender-scented body cream off the coast of Japan. However, according to new reports, Lush has discovered how to hand-craft oils luxurious enough that they no longer burn up when rocketing toward targets more than 6,000 miles away, signaling trouble to many.

Even more alarming, the company is reportedly only a few months away from developing an apricot-scrub warhead small enough to fit on one of its moisturizing ICBMs, which could penetrate targets with scrub on a deeper, longer-lasting scale than ever seen before.

Wow. One thing’s very clear: If you get in the way of Lush, you’re going to be staring down the barrel of a moisturizing missile no matter what continent you’re on. The beauty world should be treading very lightly right now, because Lush is on a quest for world domination, and there’s no way it’s going to stop.


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