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Silencing Dissent: The Catholic Church Has Beheaded Neil deGrasse Tyson For His Heretical Claim That The Earth Revolves Around The Sun

Celebrity astronomer Neil deGrasse Tyson has spent his career building up a loyal fan base, but it looks like not everybody loves his signature brand of popular science. Yesterday morning, the Catholic Church beheaded Neil deGrasse Tyson for making the heretical claim that the Earth revolves around the sun.

Yikes. Looks like Neil just found out the hard way that you should never contradict church doctrine!

For most of his career, deGrasse Tyson has provoked the fury of the Catholic Church by openly supporting a model of astrophysics based on the heretical idea that the Earth orbits the sun in an elliptical arc—a belief that the popular scientist would frequently reaffirm on Twitter and his popular Netflix documentary Cosmos. This is a belief that directly contradicts Holy Scripture, so you know the church wasn’t happy! Just take a look at this vicious Twitter exchange between Neil and Pope Francis from last year:

So, yeah, there definitely wasn’t any love lost between Neil deGrasse Tyson and the Catholic Church, and now it looks like after years of enduring the celebrity astronomer’s blasphemy, the papacy has finally gotten its hands on him and beheaded him as punishment for daring to suggest that the Earth doesn’t remain stationary in space while the sun and all heavenly bodies rotate around it.

After being kidnapped from his apartment in the dead of night, DeGrasse Tyson was dragged before a papal tribunal at the Vatican to stand trial this morning for the crimes of heresy and corrupting the youth. When asked if he pleaded guilty or not guilty, deGrasse Tyson simply smirked and said, “Ignorance is like a tomato sauce stain on your shirt and science is like Clorox maximum-strength stain remover. Sadly, humans rarely care about their collective shirt enough to go out to the CVS of Intellectual Curiosity, which is the only store where you can buy the Clorox of Science that will keep your shirt looking fresh and clean,” at which point he was sentenced to die and was immediately beheaded on the Vatican balcony.

“Gaze now upon the dead and sightless eyes of this blasphemer!” Pope Francis shrieked as he held up deGrasse Tyson’s severed head above St. Peter’s Square, in front of a crowd of thousands. “The punishment that has befallen the heretic Neil deGrasse Tyson shall befall any who would dare to contradict God’s holy decree that the Earth sits in the center of the heavens, encircled eternally by all heavenly spheres!”

The pope then placed deGrasse Tyson’s head on a spire on the Vatican wall as a warning to any other enemy of the church who would dare subscribe to the heresy of a heliocentric model of the solar system.

Wow. When you talk a big game about heretical scientific beliefs like Neil deGrasse Tyson, you better be prepared for the full wrath of the church! Maybe more scientists will think twice before publicly claiming that the Earth revolves around the sun if they don’t want to meet the same gruesome end as Neil deGrasse Tyson!


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