ClickHole

The Saga Continues: Disney Has Announced That The Next ‘Star Wars’ Movie Will Be Entirely About Punishing Chewbacca For Trying To Be Human

With films like Rogue One and Solo, Disney has ambitiously set out to explore never-before-seen corners of the Star Wars universe, and now it looks like that universe is about to get even bigger. Grab your lightsabers and turn off your targeting computers, because it has been officially revealed that the next Star Wars movie will be entirely about punishing Chewbacca for trying to be human.

Too cool! It’s really about time.

Slated for November 2019, the untitled Chewbacca movie will center on Han Solo’s big fuzzy co-pilot as he’s punished over and over for behaving like a human being instead of the huge unsettling ape-thing he actually is. Set as a side story in the current Star Wars trilogy, Chewbacca will embark on a galaxy-spanning adventure where every friend, foe, creature, and droid will team up to make him pay for his vulgar imitations of man, zapping and whipping and cursing him wherever he goes until he is sufficiently shamed and broken.

“For decades, Star Wars films have flown audiences to a galaxy far, far away where Chewbacca arrogantly defies his nature by sitting upright in a chair, making eye contact with humans, and wearing a bandolier, which we can all agree is inappropriate and wrong,” said Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy in a statement this morning, adding that, in the hierarchy of species, Chewbacca ranked somewhere between a muskrat and a water buffalo at best. “With this next chapter of the Star Wars franchise, the Dark and the Light sides will join together to give this heinous, moaning hell-beast the comeuppance he’s deserved for far too long. We can’t wait to show fans every step of Chewbacca’s journey from a wily starship pilot to a thoroughly humiliated, chastened mongrel who’s been painfully reminded of his place in the world.”

“Chewbacca’s sin is hubris, and he will answer for it tenfold,” Kennedy continued. “He will be neutered in both loin and spirit, and the glorious light of justice will shine throughout the universe once again.”

While Disney has yet to offer up many specifics, rumors have already started to swirl about the recently announced project. Leaked casting calls for roles like “CRUEL BUT FAIR CORUSCANT JUDGE, 50s” and “CACKLING ELECTROSHOCK-LEASH SALESMAN, 30s” have set the internet abuzz with speculation and fan-casting, and big names like Brian De Palma, Lars von Trier, and Werner Herzog are already being floated as possible directors.

Finnish actor Joonas Suotamo will be reprising his role as Chewbacca from 2018’s young Han Solo movie, and he’s excited to get back in the fur.

“It’s a very interesting story, I think,” said Suotamo. “The animal who pretends he is human finally is told, ‘Stop this right now. You are a fraud, and everyone agrees that you deserve to live in the dirt.’ It’s a challenge, but I am looking forward to it.”

If it sounds awesome now, imagine how great it will be in theaters. 2019 can’t get here soon enough!


I am 18 or over and willing to view sexually explicit material