Citizens, to arms! China’s bloodthirsty battlehound is coming to consume Americans and their livelihoods!
1. Behold the ferocious Chinese battlehound, 300 pounds of fangs and muscle coming straight for the American jugular!
2. As we speak, this savage Asian war dog is paddling across the Pacific so it can sate its appetite on the bones and meat of U.S. steelworkers! Once it is done eating the steelworkers, it also eats all the steel, leaving the entire American metalworking industry in ruins! No hardworking, red-blooded American is safe from the venomous fangs of the Chinese battlehound!
3. China takes these man-eating pooches from the dark and murky jungles where they roam and gives them a taste for United States flesh by showing them pictures of John Wayne, the patriotic cowboy, every day for years until they are slavering with hunger! The battlehound will not rest until its belly is full and the Dow Jones is in shambles!
4. It has donned its skull war paint to terrify American workers before it devours their bodies and lays its humongous eggs inside the gears of our majestic factories! This will make our factories explode and cause the Dow Jones to become extremely sick! We must become extremely afraid of this feral canine that China is sending to our shores. All true and patriotic Americans must gather together to hold hands and shriek in fear as we watch the unstoppable march of the Chinese battlehound infiltrating the heartland!
5. Our nation’s only hope is to fire straight and true with our beautiful and very old muskets from the Revolutionary War! Take keen aim, for beneath its horrible fur the Chinese battlehound is protected by an impenetrable shell that can repel any bullet, save for one shot directly through its glaring eye! Underneath its shell it has even more fur! And beneath its second layer of fur lies its soft, delicious meat, which tastes like lobster, but it is poisonous so do not eat it! Any patriot that slays a Chinese battlehound will receive a Dog-Slaying badge from the Boy Scouts of America, for they shall have helped save American lives and American jobs! We will honor their courage in the face of this horrific pooch!
6. To arms, citizens! To arms! Lady Liberty needs her sons today, for the maniacal battlehound of China has almost reached freedom’s shore! Its snarling roar grows louder by the second! Guard your flesh and professions! To arms!