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A New Perspective: A Tall, Pale Senator Nobody Has Ever Seen Before Has Proposed That Healthcare Be Available To Anyone Who Can Offer Up Their Weight In Precious Locust Wings

Could this be the fresh perspective on healthcare that Washington so desperately needs?

With the embarrassing and sudden death of the ACHA, Republicans have their work cut out for them to develop a plan that will pass muster among their fellow congresspeople and constituents alike. The fate of millions hangs in the outcome of these efforts, but today, a tall, pale senator nobody has ever seen before proposed a healthcare solution remarkable for its simplicity: Healthcare should be available to any American who can provide to him their weight in precious locust wings.

“Ladies and gentlemen, good evening. It is the witching hour, and I grow weary of these crude deliberations,” uttered the chilling voice of the unknown senator earlier this afternoon, standing from his ornate wicker desk no one could remember ever seeing before, causing many to crane their necks to get a look at the curious lawmaker.

“The answer to the question at hand is simple,” the pallid senator continued, gliding confidently across the floor in long, graceful strides. “Healthcare in this country should be afforded to whosoever can offer before me his body’s weight in the translucent wings of the locust. And not an ounce less.”

The mysterious senator briefly paused to grab Orrin Hatch’s shoulder firmly with his long, slender fingers, saying, “I can already tell you will have no problem coming up with more than your share, young man,” to the speechless Utah senator. After no one else in the chamber spoke up regarding the plan, the ghastly, skeletal senator continued.

“Have we no… humanity?” he asked the senators, arching his wan brows to imbue the final word with an increased significance. “Give me the wings at once, and I will finally bring an end to the interminable suffering of the American mortals under this inadequate plan. Ask not what I intend with the waxy appendages.”

With a promise like that, it seems like this mysterious senator’s plan is at the very least worth some consideration. Whether or not you think amassing a hefty abundance of locust wings is the best choice for the general public, you’ve got to admit that it’s refreshing to see an outside-of-the-box approach to this long-contested issue!


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