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The Best We’ve Got: Until Any Scientists Show Up, This Man In A ‘Life Is Good’ Tank Top Is The Foremost Theorist On What This Dead Thing On The Beach Could Be

Here’s an interesting situation currently unfolding at a beach in Ocean City, MD.

Just minutes ago, a lifeless, translucent blob of grayish-pink organic matter washed up onto the shore, and a crowd of curious beachgoers circled around it to speculate about what kind of creature it might be. People wanted answers, but without any marine biologists or other scientists nearby to offer a legitimate opinion on the matter, conditions were ripe for an amateur investigator to step up to the plate and assume the role of expert. And sure enough, that’s exactly what happened. So, until any scientists show up, it’s looking like this older man in a “Life is Good” tank top is the foremost theorist on what the dead thing on the beach could be.

Yep. Until someone who knows what they’re talking about shows up to assess the situation, looks like the Life is Good guy will have to do.

Upon spotting the dead creature, the Life Is Good guy immediately asserted his authority over the scene by warning other people not to get too close, saying, “Careful, these things can still sting you even after they’re dead,” before crouching down next to the deceased animal for closer examination. After a cursory appraisal, he reported his findings to the crowd of bystanders, telling them, “Yep, looks like an eel or a sea snake—we used to get these all the time back home,” as he nudged the creature with the toe of his Teva sandal.

“Could also possibly be a baby seal or even a sea turtle whose shell got bit off by an alpha predator,” the self-appointed marine-life expert observed, producing a penlight from his cargo shorts to further inspect the corpse. “Whatever it is, looks like the fish have been having at it for a few days.”

“They chewed this sucker up pretty good,” he added.

Whatever you say, Life is Good dude!

Greatly relishing the attention, the sunburned stranger then proceeded to loudly beckon for several children who were watching from a safe distance to come over to take a look. Upon their arrival, he suddenly lurched the dead creature in their direction with a loud roar to make them think it had come to life. While the children did not seem particularly startled or amused, the man nonetheless appeared to get a huge kick out of his prank.

Well, hopefully a marine biologist, or at the very least someone from animal control, will arrive soon and relieve the Life is Good man of his duties, because it is becoming increasingly clear that he has no real qualifications to support his conjectures. But until then, it’s looking like he’ll be leading the charge in determining the dead creature’s species, and he’ll continue to do so as long as there is anyone standing around to listen to him.


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