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All The People On Liam’s Bachelor Party Planning Email Thread Ranked By How Un-Fucking-Helpful They Are Being

These fucking guys are goddamn useless.

9. Liam

Liam’s coming in last in unhelpfulness simply because he’s barely said anything at all since the thread was started, like, two fucking months ago. He chimes in every now and then with “Whatever you guys wanna do is cool by me” or “Just remember I have to be back by noon Saturday to get ready for the rehearsal,” but it’s hard to tell if he’s even been reading the thread. He’s probably got a lot of other shit on his mind right now, but it’d be nice if he’d at least act excited about his own bachelor party instead of making it seem like it’s some kind of chore.

8. Ryan

Ryan keeps trying to take control of the thread and actually make a plan, which would be great if the fucking guy didn’t type everything all lowercase in a blue 14-point font. What the fuck email program defaults to that font? He’s a teacher, for god’s sake. Ryan actually dealt with reserving the party bus, which is cool, but the fact he sent out everyone Venmo requests the second he did it rubbed a few people the wrong way. Still, actually accomplishing something earned Ryan his spot at number eight.

7. Pete

Pete’s enthusiasm is great, but his ideas are so unrealistic that it’s unhelpful as fuck. He’s just gotta reply to every solid idea with “What about Thailand?????” or some shit. And the fact that it seems like Pete’s gearing up to bail at the last minute anyway since he keeps bring up his kid’s soccer tournament that “hopefully will get rained out” makes his impossible ideas all the more unhelpful. He’d be ranked higher than seven on the list for suggesting “Indoor skydiving!!!!” like three fucking times, but he is lending his pontoon out for the party, so at least he’s contributing something.

6. wilson.peter.t@bankofamerica.com

Who the fuck is this guy even? He wasn’t on the original email thread back when the subject line was “Liam’s B-Party Plans,” so somebody must have added him around when the subject line became “Liam’s B-Party 9-9-17 MOTHER FUCKERS.” He seems to be a nice guy, which is why he’s only coming in at number six, but his presence on the thread is freaking everybody out. He keeps chiming in with “Can’t wait to see all you guys again!” and “Better not let Pete anywhere near the Jameson, we all know what happened last time!” like he knows everyone really well, but no one is responding because no one has any idea who the fuck he is. Plus now that this guy’s on the thread it seems like no one wants to talk about strippers or drugs anymore because they’re freaked out he might be someone’s dad or something.

5. Geoff, Liam’s friend from high school

Geoff seems to prefer cracking inside jokes about his high school in Wyoming that only Liam will get to actually contributing anything constructive to the party plans. He’s not even reading the fucking thread. No one else knows who Mrs. Gordon is, and it’s highly fucking unlikely she’s available for hire as a stripper, so how about Geoff just shuts his fucking mouth? What the thread needs to know right now is what time his flight is landing and if he needs to get picked up at the airport. That’s it. Flight landing, airport. We can listen to his jokes that we’d have to have attended his junior prom to understand once we get to Shooters. The only reason Geoff’s getting away with fifth is there’s four others who are somehow less helpful.

4. Mike

Coming in at fourth place is Mike. Inviting Mike seems like a gamble that is so far not paying off. Honestly, based on the fact that most questions directed toward Mike involve weed, he was probably mainly invited because he’s got weed. Unfortunately, no amount of free weed is worth all the Rick And Morty GIFs this fucking guy keeps emailing to the thread. Now everyone’s gotta wade through 10 stupid fucking memes just to get to a single substantive email about what they’re doing after paintball. Mike’s weed better make all his BS worth it.

3. Chris

Deciding on the top three was tough, but after much deliberation, Chris ended up with the number three slot. Apparently this party is going to be the single most important activity Chris has ever done in his entire fucking life. He’s just gotta know every last detail about every single place we’re going and then throw in his own suggestion at the last minute after we’ve already all agreed on something. Awwww, Desire doesn’t have the greatest reviews on Yelp? Sorry, Chris, tell you what: Let’s open up a new fucking strip club for you that’s way classier than Desire in time for the party. Maybe Chris should consider CCing his fucking mom on this email so she can make sure everything checks out for him. Fucking baby.

2. Steve

Runner-up for most-unhelpful is Steve. Steve just seems to love asking questions when all he’d have to do to find the answers is read the goddamn email. How many times is this fucking guy going to ask when the party is? It’s in two fucking days. He’s asked this, like, seven times, and four of those times he responded, “OK, cool. I think I can get off work that day.” The date is LITERALLY IN THE EMAIL SUBJECT LINE. HE’S THE FUCKING BEST MAN. How can Steve ask, “Are we going to a strip club?” when the thread just went back and forth about whether Liam’s fiancée would be cool with it for, like, two weeks? Ugh.

1. Roger

And the grand champion of unhelpfulness is Roger. Roger’s stupid fucking out-of-office autoresponse has triggered a reply-all from Roger to the thread approximately 150 times, with no sign of slowing down. The most baffling part is Roger is clearly not away from the office, because he keeps replying to the thread with URLs to YouTube videos that don’t have any preview thumbnails or titles and are somehow not even clickable. As unhelpful as Roger’s “youtube.com/watch?v=c8zTHS9r6E4” and “Hey hey, it’s Roger! If you’re reading this I’ve probably been kidnapped!” over and over are, he really earned his spot at number one when he responded to being asked if he could be the designated driver with a 1.2 gig photo of his own ass. So. Fucking. Unhelpful.


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