Look at these gorgeous women. They’re all for you. Yes, you.
1. Oh, man, this Natalie Portman photo is practically perfect. There’s no way you can look away. And now that we’ve got you here, let’s discuss how it’s been a few years since you purchased, let alone thought about, floss.
2. Smokin’! Now that this picture of Mila Kunis got your attention, let’s talk about your inability to wear anything but basketball shorts when you leave the house. Why? There has to be a reason.
3. Look at this picture of Alison Brie standing on the red carpet. Look at the fashion and the pageantry. And look at yourself while you’re at it, because everyone can tell you’re not even washing your hair anymore.
4. Oh, GOD. Can’t. Stop. Looking. Sofia Vergara is just so incredible. I bet she’d find you incredible, too, if you’d realize that a few overgrown hairs on your face don’t make a beard.
5. Yup, this pic of Rihanna oughta do it for anyone, but now that we’re on the subject, what have YOU done for yourself lately? Clearly not much, in terms of general grooming habits and basic displays of self-respect. You actually go out in public looking like this? Time to grow up, bud.
6. Whoa! Will anyone ever be hotter than Beyoncé is right now? Or maybe a better question is: Have you given up? Because it looks like you’ve given up.
7. Emma Stone is cute in that “girl next door” kind of way. And, hey, if you want us to go out and buy you a razor, we’re happy to do that. Just let us help.
8. Look at Scarlett Johansson. SO hot, right? Now, look down at your shirt. Mustard-stained, right? You’re pathetic.
9. Yep. That’s Kate Upton, all right. Tomorrow, she’ll wake up and she’ll still be Kate Upton, and she’ll be totally perfect. But tomorrow, when you wake up, you won’t be perfect. You’ll barely even be passable. You should try to be better. Cut your hair, glance at a mirror, put on some deodorant, actually look at other people when they’re talking to you, and get a good night’s sleep for once. Think about the way you present yourself. We’ll talk in the morning.