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5 Tips To Fall Asleep That Are No Match Against The Cold Brew You Drank At 4 P.M., You Idiot, Why Did You Do That, You Do This Every Time

With so many distractions keeping us up, it’s no wonder sleep can be so elusive. These quick tips will help you ensure rejuvenating and uninterrupted sleep that will be absolutely useless since your stupid ass drank that cold brew at 4. What were you thinking?

1. Put your phone away 30 minutes before you fall asleep: Scientific research has proven that the glow from screens inhibits the sleeping process, just like that 20-ounce cold brew you housed near the end of work today for no reason because you’re an idiot who doesn’t learn from their mistakes. You can turn your phone off 30 minutes before you go to bed and it won’t do shit because that cold brew is still coursing through your veins. Hell, you could turn your phone off three hours before and it wouldn’t matter because you are who you are.

2. Take a warm shower at night: Not only does it feel great, but the difference in temperature when you leave the shower helps prepare your body for sleep, a thing that will elude you all night because you’re a dumbass who wanted a burst of energy at 4 p.m. that you ultimately did nothing with. Here’s a helpful tip: Make sure you don’t drink another cold brew during your night shower, you dipshit.

3. Use a white noise generator: Remember that you drank a late-afternoon cold brew two days ago and it totally fucked your sleep schedule. Two days ago. Did you already forget? You don’t even like cold brew that much. It’s just because it’s there. White noise will be a fun, relaxing thing to listen to while you contemplate how you don’t learn from your mistakes at all but still totally act the martyr when you can’t go to sleep.

4. Pay your coworker to hit you with a hockey stick if he sees you headed for an afternoon cold brew: It shouldn’t have to come to this, but you obviously can’t help yourself because you do this afternoon-cold-brew shit all the fucking time. You will need to pay your coworker and provide him with a hockey stick that he will brutally flog you with every time you even get near the communal cold-brew jug in the office kitchen or head to the nearest coffee shop.

5. Just stay up until you pass out from exhaustion at 5 a.m.: For babies without self-control like you, this is probably the only real option. You’ll get an hour and a half of sleep before you have to head back to work and inevitably reach for that 4-p.m. cold brew again because you’re an idiot who never learns their goddamn lesson.


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