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5 Healing Herbal Teas That Will Have To Do Some Heavy Fucking Lifting If The Affordable Care Act Is Repealed

Sometimes the natural remedies are the best, and if Congress guts the ACA, they’re about all you’ve got.

1. Chamomile: Containing natural oils that relax the soft muscles of the stomach, chamomile is the perfect tea to calm an upset tummy. And because there’s no earthly way anyone going through chemo uninsured will be able to afford anti-nausea medication, too, it better start pulling its damn weight. Every Affordable Care Act provision that gets repealed is another burden on the shoulders of soothing chamomile.

2. Sage: It’s not just for cooking! Sage has been used for centuries as a tea to ease menstrual cramps, so if and when Congress decides regulating your period with birth control or an IUD should be prohibitively expensive, it’s going to have to step its shit up as a permanent pinch hitter for your Yaz. Can sage pull it off? Hell no. That said, since getting dropped by your insurance would mean having to choose between birth control and groceries, it’s slightly better than nothing.

3. Passion flower: Can a tea substitute for Xanax? It’s time to fucking find out! The beautifully named passion flower brews into a delicious tea that doubles as an anxiety-easing sedative, and it’s gotta be a pretty goddamn strong one if it’s going to take your mind off the fact that refilling the pills that let you get any sleep at all just got fucked up to a hundred dollars a pop following whatever half-baked Band-Aid Congress slaps on the carcass of the ACA.

4. Lemon balm: Say goodbye to tension, malaise, and access to affordable antidepressants thanks to healing lemon balm and an intense partisan rancor in D.C. that has somehow manifested itself as cutting health care for millions of Americans. While this mild mood-lifting medicinal tea stacks up against some honest-to-god Lexapro about as well as a butterfly kiss does to a chainsaw, maybe brewing it double strong could help. It’s not like you’ve got many other options.

5. Lipton tea: Yeah, it’s just generic fucking Lipton tea, but it’s three bucks a box, and if you think you’ll have the budget for hand-rolled loose-leaf medicinal herbs from that specialty store with all the jars once the ACA’s dead, you might want to check your math. Better hope it’s got some healing properties we don’t know about!

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