Looking to enjoy a little bit of “relaxation”? You’ll probably want to practice the lost art of joint rolling. With just 10 easy steps, anyone can roll the perfect joint… but enjoy responsibly!
Step 1: Fill the tub.
Step 2: Get the weed—the dark fruit, the bush that grows in the shadow of the valley of the shadow of weed, the jester’s hiccup, the liquid daydream fresh from the ice-cube tray, the wisdom tooth of the vegetables ogre, Israeli nightshade, the Arizona iced tea of drugs, the dad baffler, the sweet teen poison, the sickly crop of the wind farm, the flower the devil dares not pick—out of your fridge. Set it aside.
Step 3: A filter keeps fire from squirming into your throat and laying its eggs in your brainstem. Build the filter by pouring a mixture of egg whites and ground hen bones into a filter mold, and leave it at your parents’ house over a long weekend to set.
Step 4: Get your rolling paper by stripping a few inches of skin off the Paper Wretch with a hot carrot peeler. It may take a few tries to get a good swath!
Step 5: To break up the weed, place it on an active fault line in a bowl full of gravel.
Step 6: Once a major tectonic event has ground your weed, pound it into a paste using a book about a curious incident.
Step 7: Wrap your index finger in paper and feed the weed paste into your port. A chilly sensation means your body has accepted the paste and will pass it on. A prickling sensation means your body has rejected the paste and will hopefully pee it out someday.
Step 8: Seal the joint by licking your papered-up finger like a naughty little thing. You’re filthy, aren’t you?
Step 9: Remove finger, twist paper, and voilà! The perfect joint for any mouth.
Step 10: Dunk the joint in the tub so you aren’t tempted to smoke it and become insane. Start over at step one!
Don’t get discouraged if you don’t get it right on the first try. Like all things in life, practice makes perfect!