1. You grew up with two famous parents. What was that experience like?
I couldn’t ask for anyone better to call Mom and Dad. Godzilla and King Kong were amazing role models and incredibly supportive as I pursued an acting career in their giant footsteps.
2. You’ve built your brand, Goop, on teaching people to lead healthy, peaceful lifestyles. What do you personally do to relax?
I like to paint myself orange and sneak into the Staples Center when the Clippers are practicing. I’ll curl up into a little ball and wait for one of them to dunk me. There’s something about flying through a net that really calms my nerves.
3. Fans are very excited for the upcoming Avengers: Infinity War, in which you have a role. Can you give us any hints as to what we can expect?
Well, I’m once again playing Pepper Potts, the Stark Industries HR professional, and while I can’t reveal too much, I will say that the majority of my character’s screen time is devoted to dealing with repeated complaints from Stark Industries employees about how the Hulk keeps trying to make business suits for his huge green body out of paper towels in the men’s room. At the end of the movie, my character is forced to write the Hulk up for misconduct and then have Captain America decapitate him with his shield.
4. You and Coldplay lead singer Chris Martin broke it off in 2016 after 13 years together. Any insight into what went wrong with your marriage?
When Chris and I got together, we were so young. We believed in love. We believed in wide-eyed, idealized things, like that the SoBe Lifewater Lizard could beat the Geico Gecko in a fight. But then one day, years later, we were leaving a show on Broadway and we saw the Geico Gecko beating the SoBe Lizard to death in an alley. Just absolutely destroying him. We begged him to stop, but he was so overcome with bloodlust that he ripped the SoBe Lizard’s jugular open with his teeth and held him up over his head so that he could savor his foe’s blood raining down over his skin. In that moment, I wondered if Chris and I’s love could get destroyed, too. And wouldn’t you know it, we got divorced eight minutes later.
5. You’ve announced you’re taking a break from acting to concentrate on Goop. Why?
I just got to the point in my life where I was tired of taking money from complete fucking dumbasses through my movies and decided it was time to start doing it in a different way. I realized that I could do pretty much anything and those clamoring morons would still buy bullshit with my name attached to it. So even though I might one day miss acting, I’m quite excited for this new journey, and I’d like to thank each and every one of my customers for being piss-brained enough to pony up for whatever worthless garbage I dangle in front of their vacant mule eyes.